The World You Love
by caskettinacastle
Summary: When Castle gets life altering news, he has to decide whether to make a stand alone, or to involve Kate. He's always been able to tell Kate anything, but this time, he finds himself driven by his own emotions. Will he figure it all out? Caskett
1. The World You Love

Title: **The World You Love**  
>Category: TV Shows » Castle<br>Author: caskettinacastle  
>Language: English, Rating: Rated: T<br>Genre: Drama

_**Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe. This is just me writing for the heck of it. (I'm not making any profit from it. I promise!)**_

_**Spoilers: Through part of Season 4**_

_**Rating: (Not really sure what its going to be. For now, I'll rate it T!)**_

_**A/N: So this chapter is me putting my feelers out there. I have no idea how this will be received, but I seemed to be possessed and hashed this all out over the last few days. Seriously, this scenario would not get out of my head until I put it down on paper. This probably has been done before, and will be done again, but whatever... I figured it couldn't hurt anything to post it. A lot of the stuff that has been posted involves Kate's trials and tribulations (probably because she's such an awesome character in general). I wanted to try and change it up. This seems like a pretty cool place to share stories. Anyhow, I hope you like it. I'm working on chapter 2 because I know people don't like to wait too long for updates. It might be obvious, but I just want to take a moment to say that it will be Caskett, and even though there isn't much Ryan and Esposito in the first chapter, they will definitely play a big part in the story later on (So will Lanie, Martha, and Alexis). Without further ado, I'll let you get to the good stuff. If you could take a minute at the end to leave a review, I'd appreciate it. I'd really like to know whether people are interested.**_

It was a warm summer's day as Castle crouched down next to Kate while Lanie showed them a few peculiar, but undoubtedly very important inconsistencies about their young murder victim. Lanie walked them through everything she'd found during her brief examination of the body, starting with the most important facts first before moving onto other minute details that might factor into their case. She typically did this for Castle's benefit, due to the fact that he really did seem have the attention span of a five year old. It was tragic, Castle thought as he looked at the tiny lifeless body sprawled over the concrete in a pool of dried up viscous blood. His throat felt uncomfortably tight, and it was hard to swallow. Castle squinted as he stared at the defensive marks on the girl's arms and hands. She had fought back, struggled for survival, but had ultimately lost. Castle squeezed his eyes shut. He knew that he would never be able to get the image out of his head. Her body was particularly battered. As he stared at the young girl, with so many thoughts whizzing through his head, he caught about every other word that came from Lanie's lips. Sometimes he was lucky enough to catch two. _Massive Contusion._ _Hairline fracture. Abdominal Distension. Petechiae. Baseball bat. _Castle studied the areas Lanie pointed to with her gloved fingers, and cringed. Whoever it was that had murdered this girl, had been ruthless. It was clearly a crime of passion, and of rage. Perhaps it was even committed without premeditation. But those things that mattered. All that Castle knew was, whoever it was deserved to go to prison for the rest of their lives. He struggled not to look away, despite how hard it was to take in.

Often, the bodies he saw haunted him for a long time. The girl would be no exception. Castle swallowed again. And although he was trying desperately not to think about it, the girl with strawberry blonde hair looked so much like Alexis it was hard not to think about his own daughter. Through his own estimation, there couldn't be more than a year or two differentiation between the two women.

Castle's hand darted to his midsection as he fought against his gag reflex. His stomach was churning and seemed to be tying itself into knots, causing him to feel like he might get sick at any moment. Castle was used to feeling a little nauseous at crime scenes. In fact, he had never really gotten used to the smell and the gruesomeness of crime scenes. Castle was left swallowing repeatedly as he fought his body's very visceral reaction to the body and the crime scene around him. The sun was high in the sky at the peak of the afternoon and he could practically smell the iron, as the blood baked in the intense heat of the afternoon. Castle gagged again, earning a curious glance from Kate, who looked concerned.

"You okay?" she asked, meeting his eyes. Castle slowly lifted his hand to his mouth, taking a few deep breaths through his mouth and letting it out of his nose. Usually, it helped with the nausea. This time, however, it wasn't helping much.

"Y-Yeah," Castle gulped, forcing himself to swallow again. "I… For some reason the smell is kind of making me sick. I'm…umm… I'm just going to go over there." Kate's expression faltered and he could see that she cared. She nodded in his direction before turning back around to address one of Lanie's comments.

He could feel the warm rays of the sun across his face, and the heat diffusing from the pavement into the air around his body. Sweat pooled at the base of his back and slowly slipped down, causing a shudder to shoot up his spine. It was hot, humid, and Castle, felt suddenly as if he were suffocating. He took a deep breath through his mouth, hoping to avoid the smell, and stood. He stole another quick glance at Kate before taking a few steps away from the body. With a sigh, he wiped the sweat from his brow using the back of his sleeve He blinked away the salt from the sweat that was currently stinging his eyes and looked around.

He walked in a small circle, as he lifted his arms above his head to stretch out his back. His legs were also still cramped from crouching for an extended period, and he wanted to stretch out the uncomfortable kinks, and their stiffness. It was a typical day in late July; only, it was extremely hot for the time of year. The sky above them was a radiant sapphire blue, with only a few clouds dotting the horizon. It was a beautiful day, the sort of day he could imagine would be a perfect day for the ocean. He thought briefly of his place in the Hamptons; of the warm sand between his toes, and the soft sound of waves crashing on the beach. He raked in a large breath. And in his mind he could practically smell the ocean wafting around him and the warm breeze gathering around him. He sighed wistfully. It would be absolutely wonderful to just take a long weekend and do absolutely nothing but enjoy the sun and the water. The truth was, he had been contemplating asking Kate to join him for a little weekend getaway. However, it seemed that, at least for the time being, that life had other plans. Kate was working harder than ever. And in all truth and honesty? So was he. 'We'll go sometime soon,' Castle resolved silently. Castle took another deep breath, and coughed slightly as he tasted the stale and suffocating mixture of air from the city.

Unfortunately, the air in New York City was thick with smog, making Castle feel as if he were suffocating. Subconsciously he reached up to loosen his tie and the collar around his neck. The fabric felt as if it were growing tighter and tighter around his neck with each passing minute that he spent in the stiffling heat. Castle closed his eyes again, taking another deep breath as his stomach lurched again. His stomach still felt like it could betray him at any given moment. Castle had no desire to get sick in front of Kate, Lanie, and the others, and so he fought it with everything that he had.

Castle swallowed as he let his eyes linger on the body. Despite his best efforts to repress it, he gagged again, and very nearly became sick. He felt people look at him with curious glances, and he imagined that they took him for an outsider. Castle tried to ignore the looks and forced himself to look away before he truly became ill. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Lanie drape a blanket over the body, concealing the young girl and freeing her from the prying eyes all around them.

"Well, that's all I can tell you guys for now," Lanie announced as she stood up. "Or rather, that's all I can say until I can get her back to the ME's office to perform the autopsy." Kate's voice droned on in the background as she and Lanie shared some sort of verbal exchange about time of death. He jumped slightly as his phone started buzzing in his pocket. With another deep breath he reached into his suit pocket and pulled out his phone. He paused to check its display, only to realize that he didn't recognize the number.

"This is Castle," he answered as he lifted the phone to his ears. He felt curious eyes on him as he accepted the call.

"Richard Castle?" the voice on the other end of his phone was one he recognized instantly. Castle's stomach lurched slightly. Perhaps it was like a sort of sixth sense, but Castle immediately knew that something was wrong. It was too soon.

"Uh," Castle cut in. "Just a minute."

"Excuse me," Castle mumbled to Kate as he sought to get away. "I have to take this." Kate's brow furrowed, and Castle could only surmise that his expression had betrayed his own discontent. He quickly slipped away from Kate and the others and ducked under the yellow police tape, seeking to find somewhere a little more private. The small crowd that had gathered to witness the excitement parted and let him through. He could feel eyes linger on his back as he walked briskly down the sidewalk. It took a little while before he ultimately found an empty stoop to sit down on. When he found one, he gratefully plopped down onto the bottom step, leaning forward as he propped his elbows on his knees.

"Sorry about that," he quickly apologized. "I needed to find somewhere a little more quiet."

"It's no problem," the voice on the other end replied.

He reached up to prod at the muscles in his forehead with his fingers. He started kneading at the muscles in a vain effort to release the tension in them. Then he squeezed his eyes shut and let out a deep quavering breath.

"I'm guessing you already know by now," the man spoke. "But in any case, this is Dr. Reynolds." Castle's heart was pounding furiously. The biopsy had been only two days ago, and from what Castle understood, he wasn't supposed to hear back from his doctor for another few days. Castle knew that hearing back from his doctor this soon couldn't be a good sign.

Castle suddenly felt incredibly restless and jumped back up, starting to pace back and forth on the sidewalk in front of an old brick building. His mind was reeling, and he couldn't be still. Castle let out another ragged breath, as sweat continued to streak down his face in the warm sunlight. Castle let out a low humorless laugh, as his emotions start to get the better of him.

"Yeah," Castle swallowed, "I umm... I recognized your voice." Castle cleared his throat. Castle had to remind himself to be polite. "I just have to say that I uh... I wasn't really expecting your call for another couple of days yet." Castle admitted as he looked around, observing the people walking up and down the street. "Usually it takes a lot longer for you to get back to me." He held the phone to his ear as he continued to walk back and forth.

"I know," Dr. Reynolds replied calmly. "I'm sorry to bother you so soon, but…"

"It's bad news, isn't it?" Castle inquired, beating him to the punch. Castle closed his eyes for a moment.

"Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to come in to the office, so we can talk," Jake suggested. Castle stopped breathing.

"N-No," Castle whined. "It's okay. Just give it to me straight." Castle nearly choked on his own saliva. "Is it the results? Did they come back already?"

"Yes," he conceded, "And they… they came back positive, Rick." A beat. Castle ceased breathing again, and time seemed to stop altogether. "There was an extremely high number of immature white band cells in the bone marrow. Most of them have mutated. I'm so sorry." Castle's lungs started to burn, and he was forced to take a breath. The deafening whooshing of Castle's blood in his ears quickly drowned out and overshadowed the doctor's words. Castle's mouth was suddenly as dry as the desert. Everything came rushing back at once. He didn't know how to process it all. The fact was, he couldn't. Castle staggered over to the steps, and sank back down onto them. He no longer trusted his legs to support him.

This conversation was definitely not one he was ever prepared to have. His eyes started to burn as tears threatened to seep from his eyes. He felt shocked. "Richard? Are... Are you still there? Can you hear me?" Castle clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut before managing to choke out a few words.

"Yeah," Castle's voice cracked roughly, "I... I'm here." He let out a deep shattered breath. "Sorry. What is it you were saying?"

"Your biopsy results were positive," he repeated slowly. Castle shook his head in denial. There had to be some sort of mistake. There just had to be.

Flashes of what Castle had imagined to be his future started racing through his mind at an overwhelming rate. He often dreamed about waking up next to the love of his life, of raising another daughter with beautiful green eyes and wavy brown hair.

"Richard?" the voice on the other end of his phone brought him back to the present. Again, Castle tried to swallow, only to find his throat was excruciatingly dry. He looked up from where he had been staring at the stained white concrete of the sidewalk.

"I'm sorry," Rick managed to choke out finally as he rubbed at his jaw with his hand. "I...I just don't understand," he whispered as his jaw clenched and unclenched repeatedly. He was struggling for words. "There has to be some sort of mistake, Dr. I mean…I'm 38 years old. I'm healthy. And I _feel_ fine."

"Rick," Jake sounded surprisingly sympathetic. It was always hard to explain it to his patients. The fact is, that most of the patients that he diagnosed were asymptomatic at the time. "There's no mistake," he sighed, feeling Castle's pain. "I'm so sorry. I really am. But the results don't lie." Castle's face scrunched up in anguish as it became harder to hold back the tears.

Castle lifted his head and looked up, his eyes darting around. His world felt like it was collapsing around him. Silence reigned between the two men as Castle took to observing all of those around him that seemed so completely oblivious to the world around them. He envied them so. Castle had just gotten what could only be described as life altering news. His life was falling apart at the seams, and not a single soul around him knew. They were blissfully ignorant. They all had their own agenda, places to visit, and people to see. They went to and fro, waking past him without so much as a curious glance. He felt like he was about to be sick.

He raked a hand furiously through his hair. Castle felt like he just wanted to disappear, to run as far from his problems as he could. He was desperate for a small break from his own life. Unfortunately, there was no running from it anymore. Whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not, he was now in the throes of an epic battle, a fight for his life.

Castle flashed back to a week ago, when it had all started. It had been time for his yearly physical and he went in for the routine check-up. As a part of that, he'd taken a trip to the lab and had had some blood drawn. The examination went well. His doctor said that everything seemed fine. There had been no reason to be worried. That is... Until a couple of days later, when Castle had gotten the first phone call. Even then, it hadn't been a big deal. Sure, his blood counts had been abnormal, but from what his doctor told him, it happened quite frequently and was nothing to worry about. In fact, the bone marrow biopsy had been more of a necessary precaution than everything else. And now? Now everything seemed to be falling out from right beneath him. He had cancer.

"Rick?" Dr. Reynolds sounded worried, his voice a bit higher than the last time he had spoken. "Are you there?"

"Y-Yeah," Castle clenched his jaw before managing to choke out a few words. "Yeah I'm here."

"You have Acute Myeloid Leukemia," Dr. Reynolds said slowly, hoping that Castle could handle hearing the words out loud.

"Okay," Castle breathed, repeating the word over and over as he tried to process the diagnosis.

It was cancer. Leukemia.

"Look, Rick," Jake spoke in a soothing voice, "I know that getting news like this is frightening, and that you probably feel like everything is falling apart right now, but I want to be clear about something. We're going to figure this out. I promise you. I know a really great hematologist and oncologist. Dr. Anders. He's the best in the field." Castle swallowed, struggling to keep his breathing normal. "I really think it would be a good idea for you to come into the office so we can run some more tests and we can talk about treatment options. Do you think you can come in tomorrow so that we can do that?"

"Uh…tomorrow," Castle whispered, as he wracked his brain for any conflicts. He couldn't come up with any. "Tomorrow? Uhh…sure, I think I can come by tomorrow."

"Good. How about we plan on 3:00 tomorrow afternoon?" Dr. Reynolds replied. "I'll call Dr. Anders and see if he can make it over to my office."

"That sounds like a plan," Castle replied numbly.

"Good," Jake replied. "Okay then."

"Sorry, Dr. Reynolds, but I have to go," Castle breathed as he reached down to run his fingers over a depression in the concrete at his side. "I'll be by tomorrow afternoon after I get out of work."

"Okay, take care, Rick," the voice was cut off as Rick pulled the phone away from his ear. He was tempted to hurl it across the street, but knew that would only earn him unwanted attention. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes, but he held them back. The pain was so raw, and it made him want to scream. He felt so devastated. He knew how much this would affect his family. God, how on earth was he supposed to tell his Mother and Alexis? How on earth was he supposed to tell Kate and the others? It felt like a nightmare. His head ached as he cradled it in his hands. He slumped down further, and couldn't bring himself to move.

'I'm fine," he tried to tell himself. 'I'm fine.'

Castle's stomach, as if it had a mind of its own, protested violently. He felt it as it clenched painfully, and then rumbled, reminding him that he hadn't been able to eat anything the past couple of days. He was starting to wonder if the nausea was part of it. Sipping on ginger ale had hardly helped with the upset he'd been having.

Another buzz of his cell phone had Castle letting out another groan, as he lifted his head and looked at the display. 'We still on for lunch?' Castle breathed out harshly as he inwardly kicked himself. He swore silently as he realized that he had promised Alexis he would take her to lunch. And he had completely forgotten. Castle quickly unlocked the display of his phone and opened the texting app.

'Raincheck?' he texted back, hoping that she would understand. 'Beckett and I caught a murder case.' Castle hit send and then waited. With shaking hands he clutched the phone, and waited some more. Finally after about a minute or so, he got a reply.

'Sure. No problem,' Alexis replied. 'See you later?' Castle let out a sigh of relief, but the feeling was very short lived. Because he quickly remembered that he was going to have to tell his little girl he had cancer.

'Yeah,' he typed with agile fingers. 'Love you!'

Castle let out a deep anxious breath as he slipped his phone back into his pocket. His heartbeat pounded in his ears. And despite his best efforts not to go to that dark place in his mind where he often dwelled on all of his own faults, he found himself drowning in them. Castle shook his head resolutely, trying to calm himself down before he made a scene. He figured that if he didn't head back soon, Kate might just leave without him (though in the past four years, she had never done that). Castle rubbed furiously at his face, trying to hide the pain that he was so sure was etched there. He needed to be professional and get back to work. He needed to steal his expression, to guard himself against the emotions building inside him. He felt devastated, but most of all, he was incredulous. It all felt like it was some sort of sick joke. The fact was that Castle didn't get sick. He just didn't. In fact, in some ways he prided himself on that. Castle struggled not to imagine what things would be like once he started treatment. At this point, he didn't even know what his odds were exactly. Were they 50/50? Better? Worse? Everyone knew that the worse part about cancer wasn't the disease itself really, but rather, the chemotherapy. He knew the treatments would ravage his body and leave him a shell of who he was physically, but he had no choice. After all, the alternative was death and he didn't want to die.

Castle closed his eyes, and let out another deep quavering breath. How could he hide something like that from the others? It was awful that he even thought about it in the first place, but he just wasn't sure he could tell them, especially Kate. Whether it was an awful notion or not, maybe he didn't need to tell them. Chances are that in time, his body would give him away. Once he started chemo, he knew his hair would fall out. He would probably lose weight.

"You have to tell her, you idiot," Castle groaned softly, as he ran his hands over the back of his neck. "You love her. She's more than a friend and a partner to you, and she _deserves_ to know." He warred with himself, going back and forth between whether he should conceal it, or tell her outright.

But just how on earth could he tell Kate? She was the one person he immediately thought of, when it came down to it. She was the one person he would have picked to fight alongside him. She was strong, fearless, and he knew that she could help him through the worst of it. What's more is that he knew that she would never think less of him, even when he was at his absolute worst. Over the past few years, they'd had ample opportunities to see each other at their worst. And all those times, they'd always been there for each other. Castle knew that she would never forsake or abandon him.

But telling her… asking her to hold his hand while he waned away? It felt like it would be crossing some sort of boundary to ask such a thing of her. She had already faced too many horrors in her lifetime. It wasn't fair for him to ask her to face his too. It was his battle to fight, not hers, and Castle figured that Kate would probably be better off not knowing. He loved her, and a part of him was sure that maybe…just maybe she loved him too.

The problem was that she still wasn't ready to commit to him in the way that something like this would entail. He was fortunate enough just to have a relationship with her at all. Kate had told him, implicitly, more than a year and a half ago, that she wouldn't be able to have the sort of relationship that she wanted to have with him until she got the closure she needed.

Castle knew he was lucky to have her, and he frequently thanked his lucky stars that he even got the change to be with her at all. However, there were still a lot of things to overcome. Even now, Castle knew that Kate still had a lot of impenetrable walls built up around her, walls that even he can't bring down. Sure, things had changed, but he almost wondered if she'd ever be able to take them down. One of the things that had opened Castle's eyes up to just how much she cared, had been Kate's decision to stop pursuing her mother's murder case. She had decided that she wanted Castle more than anything else in her life and he took everything she was willing to give him. Castle knew that he didn't have all of her, that perhaps she would never let him into her heart completely. But he was willing to take what she would give him. Hell, he was willing to wait forever to be with her if he had to. Luckily, she had come around. She had come back to him, heart in hand, and he took it. He loved her. And he had to believe that she loved him to. Now, It was all about overcoming the obstacles between them.

Initially, Castle had been incredibly optimistic that things would work out for them. But now? Now he wasn't so sure. Now he felt like maybe fate, destiny, or whatever the hell you'd like to call it wasn't on their side at all. Because as much as he hated to admit, it seemed like the pile of obstacles between them only seemed to be getting bigger.

For the past year or so, Castle's gift to Kate had been time. He knew how important it was to be patient. And so, he'd given her space when she'd asked for space, support when she asked for support. She'd asked him to keep their relationship under wraps. And he'd given her everything. And when she finally wised up and went back to work (after temporarily resigning), he'd been genuinely happy for her. The universe just didn't seem right when Kate wasn't doing what she was meant to do, which in Castle's opinion, was be a detective. It wasn't that he thought she couldn't be anything else, but it just didn't seem right, if you know what I mean. Kate's passion and dedication for her job seemed like the one thing that was right to him. She was just so good at what she did, that sometimes he wondered if she took it for granted.

When Kate had finally gone back, Castle had given her all of the time she needed to get back into the swing of things at work before resuming his role as her (his words) plucky sidekick or (her words) partner.

There had been so many times over the last few months where Castle had just wanted to tell the world he was with Kate Beckett. But every time he so much as thought about it, he quickly pushed it back down. He didn't want to change things, mainly because he was so afraid that doing anything might upset the status quo. The truth was, she might not be ready to be anything more. She might not be ready to tell the world. And he was still so afraid that one day she might change her mind about him, and start to push him away. And if she did, he wasn't sure that they couldn't make it back from that.

Now Castle was starting to feel like time was the one thing he didn't have to give.

Castle swallowed, rubbing at his eyes with his thumb and forefinger as his own words echoed around in his head. The big question was, 'Does she care about me enough to stick around?' Castle just didn't know. She still hadn't said the three words he most longed to hear. They certainly cared about one another, but Castle was really the only one who had put his feelings into a verbal context. He wanted to know if she loved him, but once again, they had always made a point of actively avoiding that particular subject. Now, more than ever, Castle thought he needed to know. Because this was the sort of thing that broke a relationship. She'd have to love him a hell of a lot to stick around.

"Hey," Kate's voice had him breaking out of his thoughts and jumping slightly as she suddenly appeared in front of him. Slowly, he retracted his hand from his face and looked up, hoping that his expression didn't betray his thoughts. "I was wondering where on earth you'd disappeared off to." She looked around them, quickly taking in their surroundings. "If you're ready to go, it looks like we're done here." He must have looked like he was feeling ill because she took one look at the expression on his face and quickly asked him. "Hey, is something wrong? Are you okay?" Castle opened his mouth to speak as he reached up to run his hand over his face again. He exhaled as he struggled to keep himself composed.

"Y-yeah," Castle managed to get out after a great effort. "Yeah. I-I'm fine." Kate looked unconvinced, but she bit down on her tongue. "Let's get out of here," Castle spoke as he stood up on wobbling legs. Kate nodded. Together they walked back to Kate's unmarked cruiser without exchanging more than a couple of words. Castle slipped into the passenger seat, and was already staring out the window as Kate started up the car. He could feel her eyes on him periodically as she drove back to the precinct.

"So…" she tried finally, after the silence started to get on her nerves, "Who was on the phone?"

"Nobody important," Castle lied, his voice was hardly a whisper.

"Really?" Kate's brows rose on her forehead as she chanced a glance his way. "Huh." She breathed out as she quickly looked back to the windshield, studying the old beat up car in front of her. "Why don't I believe you?"

"Don't know," Castle replied reservedly. "I think the real question is... Why would I lie to you?" Kate sighed again. Something in the way he was acting just didn't settle right with her.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Kate asked sadly. Castle was clearly upset about something.

"Hey, you know I'm here to talk, if you ever need it, right?" Castle nodded wordlessly, trailing his finger up and down on the windowpane absentmindedly. Kate kept a close watch on him for rest of the drive, trying to figure out what had caused her usually annoying partner to become so silent. She tried to press him for ideas or theories regarding their new case, and even then, he hardly said a word.

She asked him to head down to the morgue with her so they could get more details from Lanie. Kate hoped that it would give them a place to start. Within minutes of their arrival, they finished going over all of the forensics involving their victim and all of the abnormalities or anomalies that Lanie had expertly picked up on. They finally had a name to go with a face. Apparently one of the officers had pulled the victim's wallet out of a dumpster only a couple of blocks away from the crime scene. Castle swallowed as his eyes skimmed over the driver's license. God, she was so young. Castle had been right in his earlier estimations. She was only seventeen.

They were riding the elevator back up to the fourth floor when Castle felt Kate's eyes on him again. What surprised him was that she wasn't even trying to be subtle about it. Castle closed his eyes and leant back against the back of the box, gripping the railing with his hands on either side of him. He was completely exhausted, and wanted nothing more than to go home. He couldn't even think straight. It seemed like all of his thoughts were in such disarray. And It was no wonder that Kate was worried about him. After all, by this point in the case, Castle had usually spouted off countless theories in regards to the motive and the murder weapon, no matter how ridiculous they were. Now, she couldn't even get him to mutter a coherent sentence.

The roller coaster of emotions Castle had been experiencing since the phone call, coupled with the energy he'd spent running back and forth to various places with Kate, had left him physically and emotionally drained. He took a deep breath and expelled it slowly, struggling to focus on the task at hand. Castle jumped when Kate's hand jumped out to hit the emergency stop button and the elevator lurched to an unexpected stop between floors. Castle's eyes sprung open to find Kate staring him down, a torn expression on her features.

"Okay, look, I've been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt all afternoon, but something is obviously wrong. So… what the hell is up with you today?" she asked, trying to look intimidating. "What's got you so distracted?"

"Nothing," Castle spoke weakly. Immediately he could tell that it wasn't convincing enough so he tried again "Really, Kate," he asserted emphatically, "It's nothing…"

"Really?" Kate hissed, her eyes flashing skeptically. "That's what you're going to go with? Do you honestly expect me to believe that?" He went for the, let's answer a question with a question approach.

"Why should you have any reason to doubt me?" Castle asked frustratedly.

"Look," Kate threw her hands up in exasperation, "Castle, I know you _better_ than that. So please…" Kate pleaded. "Something is obviously wrong with you, and it's not nothing. I mean… you've hardly said a word to me all afternoon. So tell me. What's wrong? What can I do to help?"

"You can't," Castle growled out finally, letting his hurt and anger get the better of him. "You can't help, okay?" He burst out, "So just drop it!" Castle stepped around her and hit the button, starting the elevator's ascent again.

"Castle...Rick," Kate tried again, reaching for his arm. She also hoped that using his first name, would identify with him on some level. It was much more personal than his nickname. Kate could see the pain in his eyes as he looked at her and shook his head. "Whatever it is… What you're feeling right now? It's… It's probably only going to get worse if you can't talk about it."

"Kate," Castle breathed as his eyes shimmered. "I can't," he nearly whispered. "I just can't."

"Rick," Kate tried again. Her hand running down his arm in a gesture that was meant to be comforting. Instead, it made him feel even worse. She wouldn't be touching him like that once she knew. She'd be too busy running away. _NO._ The voice in his head won. He couldn't tell her. He could never tell her.

"Stop!" Castle nearly yelled as he pulled away. Kate looked at him as if she'd been slapped. "Just stop it, okay?" Then. "I don't want to talk about it. And i really need you to _b__elieve_ _me_ when I say that I _really_ don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," Kate conceded.

"The fact is, that I'm not _ready_ to talk about it. Not right now," Castle paused to take a calming breath. "Look. When I _am_ _ready_ to talk about it? I promise that you'll be one of the first people that I talk to. But until then?… Please just respect my privacy and back off!" Castle pushed his way off the elevator as soon as the parting doors would allow, leaving a very stunned and bewildered looking Kate Beckett standing in his wake . When she finally gathered up her wits enough to walk to her desk, she found Castle slipping his coat over his arm. Her heart dropped into her stomach.

"Cas…Rick," she said reaching out to gently grasp his arm, "Wait! Where are you going?"

"Home," Castle replied in a sort of clipped voice as he pulled away from her yet again. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest as he saw the look of hurt and rejection that flashed across Kate's face. He let a deep calming breath. "Look, Kate, I'm tired, and clearly not in the best of moods. I think that it would probably be a good idea that I get out of here before I say something or do something that I regret." Kate felt like everything was falling apart. It felt like a chasm had suddenly grown between them and she was left standing on the other side. The worst part about it all, was that she had no idea what she'd done wrong.

"Castle," Kate reached out for him before he could get too far. "Wait! Please don't shut me out like this. Please," she pleaded. "What's wrong?"

"I...," Castle searched frantically for the right words. She deserved sort of explanation, at the very least. Castle swallowed painfully. "Look, I just…. Something happened today, and I just need a few days to clear my head. Okay?" Now she knew how it felt. He was asking her for space. Kate could only hope that he didn't shut her out completely.

"What about the case?" Kate couldn't keep the sound of hurt from her voice.

"Kate," he sighed, his expression apologetic, "Let's be honest for a minute. Do you _ever_ really need my help?"

"Sure I do," Kate argued. "Look, I… I really don't know what I did to upset you, but whatever it is, I'm really sorry."

"Kate," Castle shook his head, suddenly feeling like a complete jerk. "You didn't..." He cut himself off for a moment as he realized just how awful he had been to her. He was taking out all of his pain on her when she hadn't done anything wrong. He took a calming breath, realizing the need to make sure that Kate knew it wasn't her fault. How he could ruin this situation any further at this point, he didn't know. But he had to do a little damage control before he ruined everything beyond the point salvation. "You didn't do anything wrong, Kate. And It's… It's not you, okay? Honestly… it's not." Kate stared back at him, looking as if she were about to cry. "Look, if anyone should be sorry, it should be me. And I…I am. I'm really sorry, okay?" Castle's voice craked with emotion, and if it were possible, Kate looked even more torn up before. Because now she knew something was ripping him apart. "But I really… really need some time to get my head on straight, and there's some important stuff that I have to take care of. Stuff that can't wait." _Like telling Alexis and Mother that I have cancer… _ "You guys will do just fine without me. I know it." Deciding that he owed her some comfort, he pulled her in for a quick hug. The embrace, which was only meant to be fleeting, lasted a lot longer. Kate wanted nothing more than to hang on for dear life and never let go. Castle squeezed his eyes shut. God, it felt so good to feel her arms around him. He breathed in the sweet scent of cherries, his breathing gradually leveling out. "And hey… If you really need my help, you know how to reach me."

"Okay," Kate whispered quietly as she finally pulled away. "I… I guess I'll talk to later?" Castle nodded, heading for the elevator. "Hey, Castle?" He stopped and swiveled around, his eyes warm and expressive. Kate found a little hope in the way that he still looked at her with love in his eyes.

"Yeah?" he asked, his tone a lot more patient than it had been only a minute ago.

"Just… Just feel better, okay?" Kate said in a meek voice. Castle nodded, incredibly grateful for her kindness. Slowly, he turned around and headed for the elevators. She watched him step in, hit the button, and sighed as the doors slowly slid shut. She waited for a long moment, wishing that they would part again and that he would come back. But he didn't.

"Hey," a voice spoke quietly from behind her, causing her to jump a little as she was broken out of her thoughts. "Where's Castle off to?"

"He's…umm… heading home," Kate replied, slowly turning around to face an expectant looking Esposito and Ryan. Their eyes turned sympathetic immediately after seeing the sadness in her eyes.

"He cutting out this early?" Ryan's brow furrowed as he looked down at the face of his watch, "That's not like him."

"No. No it's not," Kate replied evenly, "But I think that he wasn't feeling too well. He thought that he should go home and get some rest." Kate felt bad for lying, but the truth was that she didn't know what was wrong and she didn't want Esposito and Ryan to worry too.

"Oh, okay," Esposito muttered. "Well, umm...Lily's parents are here. They're waiting for you in the interview room."

"Alright. Thanks, guys," Kate smiled as she headed to her desk to grab her legal pad and headed off to find out more about their victim. Work would help her take her mind off things. (At least she hoped.)

Kate spent the rest of the afternoon trying not to let herself get too distracted. After all, she had a job to do. It's just that she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Castle had always been able to talk to her about anything. Now he was shutting her out, and Kate silently resolved to figure out what it was.

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><p><em><strong>AN: Kay. That's it for now! Take a minute to hit the review button to let me know what you think! Love it? Hate it? I won't know if you don't tell me! Thanks again for reading!**_


	2. Times Like These

Title: **The World You Love**  
>Category: TV Shows » Castle<br>Author: caskettinacastle  
>Language: English, Rating: Rated: T<br>Genre: Drama

_**Chapter 2: Times Like These**_

_**Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe. This is just me writing for the heck of it. (I'm not making any profit from it. I promise!)**_

_**Spoilers: Through part of Season 4**_

_**Rating: (Not really sure what its going to be. For now, I'll rate it T!)**_

_**A/N: Okay, so here is the next update. I'm sorry it took me so long to post this, but it took me a while to write it. I had a hard time discerning what Martha and Alexis' reactions would be. I kind of did it in two stages. There's the initial shock, and then the emotional follow up. Read it and you'll see what I mean. I really hope that you like it.**_

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><p>Upon arriving back at the loft, Castle promptly sequestered himself in his office, shutting and locking the door behind him. At that moment, he wasn't sure if he could bear to face anyone else. It seemed like he had carried enough on his shoulders lately. This was just too much. There were a lot of things he had to face, but he knew that he needed to gather himself first. He needed to put some of the pieces back together so that he hold himself together enough to tell Alexis and his mother without making a dramatic scene. Once it was over, he could let the pieces break apart again. On trembling legs, Castle slowly walked across his office, teetering slightly. He walked around his beautifully crafted writer's desk and sank into the chair behind it with a deep exhalation. He sat for a minute, staring at his dark computer screen. It wasn't until his phone buzzed in his pocket that Castle came back to life. Without any more pause, Castle brought his finger to the power button with the goal of booting up his computer. It came to life with a chipper chime, and he watched the screen flicker from black to white and then back again before it finally took. He needed to know what he was facing. He needed to find something that gave him hope.<p>

As Castle waited for his computer to boot up, Castle grew impatient. Fingers drummed on the desk in irritation as his eyes strayed from the computer screen, doing a quick once over of the place he knew to be his sanctuary. Perhaps it was foolish to think so, but Castle truly felt as if nothing could touch him here. Without fail, his office was the one place he could think. It was also the one place that he could fall back to if he needed a place to hide and wallow in self-misery. He always found an immense sense of comfort amongst his books. This was the place he'd made his own over the years. The large collection of photographs dotting the wall all meant something important to him. They both documented his success and his failures, while reminding him of the kind of person he was. His photographs showed the transition he'd made from a young author to becoming a New York Times Bestseller.

Castle swallowed thickly as his eyes landed on one of the pictures from his college graduation ceremony. He had been so young then, so naïve. He'd gone out into the big wide world with all sorts of expectations, and he'd gotten one hell of a wake up call. He still had the countless rejection letters that he'd gotten back from publisher's, all of which he'd used for constructive criticism. Some of the letters were actually quite pleasant. They all skirted around things that they felt Castle needed to do with his writing, without sounding cold and harsh. Some letters, however, were more direct, and clearly had no qualms about telling him why they weren't interested. To say that it hadn't been disheartening would be lie. In fact, it was quite hard to persevere. But Castle had stuck it out. He kept writing, editing, and trying to improve on his work. The more rejections he got, the more he was determined to prove them wrong. And guess what? He did… Castle held back a chuckle as he thought about his enthusiasm for writing back then. It had been no easy feat, finding a publisher to print his first book, but once it landed on the prestigious best seller's list, everything had just fallen into place.

'You can do this,' the words sounded silently in his head. He could hear, even feel the determination in them. He'd been in rough positions before, but none were ever quite this scary. Even at times where he was sure he was going to die, he didn't fear it, mainly because he'd never really had time to contemplate his own ending. Now he did.

The real reason the idea of him having a life-threatening illness was so unbelievably scary was because it was so utterly and completely out of his control. His mother had once told him, that he had gotten through most of life on his wit, charm and talent, but that he couldn't charm his way out of a bullet.' That's just it. Castle knew he had no control over this. He couldn't rewrite the ending, whatever it might be. That was what scared him the most. His fate was in God's hands now, and in the hands of his doctors.

Inevitably, his eyes came back to the desk in front of him and onto the few treasured photographs he always kept within arms reach. It was these photographs that he felt really served as a testament to who he was, as a son, a father, a friend. Castle felt a swell of emotions as one photograph, in particular, drew his gaze. His breathing became labored, inconstant as he picked up the photograph. He cradled it in his shaking hand. He didn't know why, but this time, he couldn't fight the tears. His eyes started to burn as he ran his fingers over it. His vision blurred as tears filled his eyes and spilled over with a blink of his eyes. The photograph had been taken nearly a year ago.

Castle shook his head in wonder. A year? Had it really been a whole year since Alexis had graduated from High School and went off to college? It was hard to fathom such a thing, but there was no denying it. The last year had flown by. Castle had kept himself busy, of course. He'd buried himself in work; frequently shadowing Kate at the precinct, and writing another book on the side. In some ways it was like having two full time jobs, but he didn't mind it. In fact, it was one of his greatest coping mechanisms. It had been hard to let his little girl travel off to Columbia. Yet, he knew that no matter how much time he had to prepare himself for the moment he'd had to let her go, he would never be ready. No parent was ever really ready.

A sob nearly broke through as he thought about it. It wasn't fair. Castle ran his finger gently over the glass. Through the sheen of his tears, he stared at the smiling people in the photograph. His heart constricted as he realized how very much like a family they all looked. He'd remembered corralling a stranger to take the photograph of him, his mother, Alexis, and Kate. On the far left, Kate leant inwards with Castle's left arm wrapped around her shoulders. Castle's right was wrapped tightly around a beaming Alexis, who in turn had her arm wrapped around Martha, who completed the group on the far right. The photograph was one of Castle's favorites because of so many reasons, the main of which was that they looked like a true family. Family. They were a family. Castle was surprised as a small bead of water dripped from his chin and landed on the glass below. He reached up to his cheeks with his free hand and discovered moisture. He didn't usually cry, not like this, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. God, Alexis looked so beautiful in her dress, and he still remembered feeling as if he might burst with pride that day… Was he going to be around for her college graduation? Would he be around to walk her down the aisle at her wedding? Those questions that kept popping up in his head only had his shoulders shaking that much harder.

Castle set the picture down on his desk and buried his face in his hands for a long moment. 'Easy. Easy there, Rick,' he tried to tell himself, 'You're getting way ahead of yourself. You have to stay positive…' His phone started buzzing incessantly again, and Castle pulled it out to look at the display.

Over the course of the last year, Kate had become someone he knew he could count on for comfort. When he missed Alexis to the point of extreme loneliness, Kate was there to remind him that he wasn't alone. They had movie nights and countless dinners. It seemed like she always knew just how to cheer him up. He was so grateful for her. For him, life with Kate Beckett was about as perfect as he was ever going to get.

There had been rare moments over the course of the last year where they'd shown affection toward one another. Still, their relationship leaned more towards friendship than anything else. There were times that they had gone out on pseudo-dates, but they'd never committed themselves to one another exclusively. Even after a year, Castle and Beckett were still working diligently on taking down the walls that separated them brick by brick.

Castle opened the browser, and typed in three words that still sounded so foreign to him. Due to his experience as a writer, which required him to do extensive research for all of his novels, Castle knew exactly where to look for appropriate sources. He knew that it would be hard to read about what he would be going through, but he needed answers. He needed to know his chances.

Castle couldn't seem to breathe as he typed in his diagnosis into one of the most reliable medical databases that he used for medical research, whenever his books required it, and completed the search. He sifted through information slowly, deciding to read through it all a bit more carefully than he did typically. He was used to speed-reading, but this was different.

He swallowed, his fingers freezing over the track-pad of his laptop computer. It hadn't occurred to him that there were other factors that would determine his prognosis. There were things that he didn't know yet, and that made it impossible to know what lay in store for him. However, at the very least he could view the overall picture. He spent hours sifting through information about the disease, and the typical treatments. What he found was encouraging. There were eight main subtypes of AML. The cure rate for people with Leukemia that were under 60 was fairly promising. It was about 70-80%. Still, Castle knew there would be a rough road ahead, and he doubted that Alexis and Martha would find the numbers very comforting. None of them would be okay, at least, not until he beat it completely, and they were able to put it all behind them. Castle let out a sigh as he cleared his computer's browsing history, and started to pace in his office.

One look at his face and Alexis would know something was wrong. He could deny it, of course, but as his daughter, she would know better. He had forced Kate to concede, and she hadn't had the right to push him any further because she had no 'official' claim on him. Alexis had more of a right to demand the truth.

Finally, after contemplating several different ways in which to tell them, he decided to do it over dinner. He'd make Alexis' favorite. He only hoped that cooking would temporarily take his mind off of everything.

* * *

><p>He found Alexis on the couch, curled up with her legs bent to the side. Castle smiled, hoping that his expression was normal and that he didn't give anything away.<p>

"How's the book?" Castle asked as he sat down next to her and ruffled her hair affectionately.

"Dad!" she whined as she ran her fingers through her hair, trying to fix any of the damage that Castle had just done. He chuckled and leaned forwards to place a kiss on her cheek. "It's good," Alexis smiled as she peered over the book at him, touched by the affectionate gesture.

"So," Castle swallowed letting his hands fall into his lap as he sat down next to her, "I was thinking that I'd make your favorite for dinner tonight. How does that sound?"

"Oh," Alexis' smile faltered and she set down her book in her lap. "Well, I… I kind of already made plans to have dinner with Derek. We haven't seen eachother in nearly a month now, and he's in town. I really..."

"Miss him," Castle finished for her. Castle swallowed and cleared his throat, shifting so that he was facing Alexis directly. "Not that I mean to crash your date, but I really need you to stay for dinner tonight. There's something important that I need to tell you."

"Dad," He could see her eyes flash in annoyance. "Why can't you tell me right now?"

"Because I need to tell you and mother, together," Castle grunted in frustration. "Derek will still be here tomorrow, won't he? So you can reschedule. I'll even make reservations for you at your favorite place, and pay for the meal."

"Even though it's outrageously expensive?" Alexis asked sheepishly. Castle nodded.

"Okay," Alexis sighed, "Fine. I'll stay for dinner, but I hope that whatever it is that you need to tell me is good, or I'm going to feel cheated." Castle's throat suddenly grew very dry, and he gulped down a swallow of air, nearly choking on it. Alexis didn't seem to notice his heartbeat falter in his chest. "I'm going to call Derek and tell him that I can't make it tonight," Alexis announced as she snapped her book shut and set it down next to her on the couch. He watched as she righted her legs, stood, and started walking for the stairs.

Castle let out a sigh of relief as he dropped his head into his hands. It took a minute for his breathing and heartrate to return to normal. Castle jumped as another voice filled the air around him.

"You all right, kiddo?" his mother's concerned tone echoed through the living room.

"Yeah," he forced out as he straightened up into a sitting position. He stood slowly. "Fine. I'm uh… I'm going to go and start dinner," he spoke as he crossed the room. "You'll be here for dinner, won't you?"

"Yeah," Martha replied. "You need help with the food?"

"No," Castle replied all too quickly. "It's okay. I...I've got it on my own." The next couple of hours passed in a blur. He listened to music while he cooked, letting it calm him. It took a lot of coordination to time everything just right, but he managed not to burn anything. He worked methodically, while intermittently setting the table. Finally, he was putting the finishing touches on the meal when Alexis came bounding into the kitchen.

"It smells really good," she smiled encouragingly. "Thanks for this, Dad."

"Anything for you, pumpkin," Castle replied, feeling as if he might start to cry again at any moment. Castle's throat started to burn, and he forced himself to swallow and look away. He needed and escape, and so he quickly grabbed the main dish off of the counter and made a mad dash for the table. Alexis brought in the side dishes and set them on the table.

"Mother!" Castle called, "Dinner's ready!" There was a brief pause before the red-haired gem strolled into the room with a glass of wine. They all sat down, gave thanks for the foor, and started to eat. Castle held off on the conversation, making small talk as he asked his mother and Alexis about their day. It worked for a while, but even so, it only worked for so long. Eventually, Alexis asked the question he had been dreading.

"So," Alexis cleared her throat, deciding to broach the topic as the silence hanging over the dinner table became too much to handle, "What is it that you wanted to talk about?" Castle was too busy jabbing his potatoes with his fork to realize that Alexis was talking to him. "Dad?" Castle jumped to life, his eyes darting around as his mother reached over to squeeze his arm.

"What?" he breathed distractedly. As his eyes met the inquisitive blue eyes of his daughter, it was then and only then that he realized he'd been addressed at all. "Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking. What did you say?"

"I was just wondering what on earth you wanted to tell us that was so important that I needed to cancel my dinner date with Derek tonight," Alexis said softly. "I mean… Did you and Kate finally make things official, or something?" Castle swallowed thickly, not sure if he trusted his voice. He only wished that were the case.

"No," Castle replied. "She's still not ready for that." Alexis frowned, seeing the lines in Castle's forehead. Something was upsetting him.

"Dad, what's wrong?" Alexis was genuinely concerned now. She was worried that she'd upset him somehow, and now all she wanted was to ease his pain.

"I…" Castle set down his fork, holding Alexis' gaze for a long moment. He was attempting to gauge her mindset. "Okay, well, it's not exactly good news… In fact, I umm… I'm not really sure what to say or how to say it. I just wanted you two to be the first to know." Alexis and his mother stared back at him expectantly. He could see that they were both waiting for him to get on with it. From the looks on their faces, they had no idea what was about to be dropped on them.

"I…" Castle choked out, his voice sounding incredibly unlike his own. Castle's jaw clenched, locking down as he struggled for the words. He shut his eyes for a long moment and took a deep quavering breath. Finally, he opened his eyes, facing reality once more. Silence built for a long moment, until finally, Castle took one final breath and the words came pouring out as he exhaled. "I have cancer." He was prepared for raised voices, for tears, not silence. Silence. Utter and complete silence. It was tortuous. "I..I have Acute Myelogenous Leukemia." He could feel Alexis' eyes boring into him, but she didn't say a word. Her jaw fell open, almost as if she were going to say something, but nothing came out. Alexis' eyes broke away, instead settling for staring down into the tablecloth. It was Martha who found her voice first.

"W-When," her voice broke. "When did you find out?"

"Today," Castle managed to choke out. "This afternoon to be exact."

"I… I thought that you said that everything was fine," Martha sounded upset, betrayed, and confused. "You told me that everything was fine."

"I…I know I did, mother," Castle spoke calmly, while meeting her eyes. He could only hope she could see how sorry he was. "And I'm sorry, but I just didn't want to worry you."

"Worry me!" Martha bit out incredulously. "Don't you think that I _should_ have been worried? Richard, you have cancer!"

"It was just the blood work that was cause for concern," Castle argued. "Doctor Reynolds assured me that it was a common occurrence. I went for a bone marrow biopsy, thinking that it was just another routine procedure. I never even realized just how serious things were. If I had, then I would have told you. Mother, I'm so sorry." Castle flinched as his mother raised her hands to her face, her body starting to shake. "Mother…" For a long moment, his mother wouldn't acknowledge him, but when she finally managed to calm dow a bit, she dropped her hands, and looked him in the eyes.

"I...I'm sorry," she tried to apologize. "I just... you're too young. You're my wonderful, perfect boy... This isn't right. It can't be."

"Mother," Castle was having a hard time not breaking down himself.

"How bad is it?"

"I… I don't know yet," Castle, admitted, "I have an appointment with a hematologist tomorrow." He swallowed thickly. "I guess that they need to run more tests." Castle raked a hand over his face. "I tried to do some online research. Only, it's hard to know what the prognosis is until we get more details first."

"What about treatment? Can it be treated?" Castle was surprised to hear Alexis' meek voice.

"Yeah. It can be treated, even cured. I guess that chemotherapy is the usual treatment," Castle replied. "There are usually two rounds, induction and consolidation chemotherapy. Induction chemotherapy usually brings about remission in 70-80% of patients. Some relapse."

Castle watched as Alexis stared down into her plate. She slowly shoveled food around her plate. Before, she had been eating, now she wasn't touching her food. Castle watched as Alexis dropped her fork and pushed back her plate, looking quite pale.

"Can I be excused?" Alexis asked finally, without looking at Castle. She didn't think she could bear to look at him in that moment. She was barely holding herself together as it was.

"Pumpkin," Castle tried, "Don't you think that we should really talk about this?" He was still hoping that they could comfort each other. He wanted more than anything to reassure her that it would all be fine, because he knew what she must be thinking in that moment. He knew exactly what she was thinking, because deep down, he was feeling the exact same way. Without pause, Alexis was pushing back her seat and running from the table before he could even finish his question.

Castle's head dropped into his hands, a pained breath falling from his lips.

"This is not exactly how I planned for this conversation to go," Castle murmured finally.

"I think it's safe to say that this is just something you can't prepare for," his mother's voice was meant to be soothing. "Just give her a minute to calm down."

"Mother," Castle's broken voice filled the room, "She can't... My own daughter can't even look at me right now."

"Try to imagine what she must be feeling right now," his mother spoke wisely. "Give her a minute and then go talk to her." Castle nodded, not lifting his head. "Show her there's no reason to be afraid."

"Believe me when I say that I want to just gather her in my arms and tell her that it's all going to be okay," Castle swallowed, "But what if… what if that's not my promise to make?"

"We're going to get through this," Martha spoke with conviction. "Richard, whatever happens… We're a family. We're going to make it through this together. No matter what."

"Mo-Mother," Castle's voice broke. His shoulders shook with suppressed sobs and he felt a warm pair of arms wrap around him. He buried his face in her shoulder. His other words were left unspoken. He wanted to say, 'I'm scared,' but his pride wouldn't let him do it.

"I know," she breathed, seemingly reading his thoughts. "I know. Me too." Castle took a couple of calming breaths and let go. "I love you," she spoke honestly as she met his eyes.

"I do too," he managed a weak smile. "I should…"

"Yeah," Martha replied glancing towards the stairs Alexis had used when she fled. "I'll be up in a little bit." Castle nodded, grateful his mother seemed to know what to do.

Slowly he ascended the stairs, one by one. It felt like he was scaling a mountain, but he made it to the top nonetheless. He padded down the hallway, his heart clenching painfully as he heard the muffled sobs coming from Alexis' bedroom. He paused just outside, leaning against the wall for support. He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath, as he braced himself for the next few minutes. Somehow, he had to keep himself together. He never imagined he would be in this situation. As a father he wanted nothing more than to shield her from all of it, just as he did with all of the horrors of life, but he knew that this time things were simply out of his control. He needed to be strong for her, but more importantly he needed to show her that he wasn't afraid.

He knocked on the door, expecting her to tell him to just go away. But Alexis didn't even try turning him away. She needed him. Castle took a deep breath and slowly eased open the door. A pained gasp escaped his lips as he saw Alexis curled up on the bed, her head buried in the pillows. Her body shook with violent broken sobs, and it pulled at his heart in the most agonizing way. It killed him to see her hurting so badly. On shaking legs, Castle walked over and eased himself down onto the bed. He brushed several stray tendrils of hair behind Alexis' ear. Her shoulders started to shake harder as she looked up to meet his eyes. Castle's next actions were instinctive. He quickly gathered Alexis in his arms, holding her tight against him.

"Shh," Castle whispered as he ran his fingers through her hair in a soothing, but slightly repetitive manner that he knew would calm her. "It's okay... It's going to be okay."

"You don't know that! You can't... You can't promise me that," Alexis choked out brokenly, while reaching out for him. Her body was still shaking violently with her cries. She fisted the fabric of his shirt in a vice grip of her hand, just as she did when she was a young girl. It was her way to ensure that he couldn't leave her. Of course, Castle had no intention of leaving her alone. He needed the comfort just as surely as Alexis did. Castle kissed the top of her head.

"I know," he conceded, "I know I can't make any promises, but I have to believe that it's all going to be okay. I'm going to see one of the best doctors in the entire country tomorrow, and we're going to come up with a plan." Alexis nodded. She pulled back slightly so that she could look at him as he continued. "I love you, pumpkin. God, I love you so much," he said with a certain conviction, "We're going to get through this. We will." Castle tried to keep his voice even when he said. "I'm not going to leave you. Not if I have anything to say about it. In fact, I'm going to stick around for a very _very_ long time. And I'm betting that there are going to be times in the distant future when you will almost wish that I'd leave you the heck alone."

"Never," Alexis breathed with equal conviction, as she held him tighter. "I will never get sick of you. I love you, Dad." Castle chuckled softly.

"You say that now, but you will," Castle replied while thinking silently of his mother, "Trust me." Then he paused. "But I hope I can make it worth your while."

"Will you… stay with me tonight?" Alexis pleaded softly. "And just h-hold me?" Castle settled himself in her bed, offering her his arms. She made herself comfortable and scooted into his open arms, settling comfortably against his chest. "I want to go with you tomorrow."

"Are you sure?" Castle asked. "Sweetie, it might be kind of rough tomorrow. They want to do more tests."

"I don't care," Alexis breathed. "I'm not leaving you to do this by yourself." Castle closed his eyes. "H-Have you told Kate yet?" she asked, and Castle's eyes snapped open. His breathing became shallow, as he struggled to come up with an adequate response.

"No," he shook his head, "I... I wanted you and mother to be the first to know."

"Are you going to?" Alexis asked as she lifted her head to look into his eyes.

"I… I don't know," he sighed. "I've thought about it, but I just don't know…"

"Do you love her?" Alexis' eyes flashed. "I mean… you still do, don't you?"

"Of course I do," he replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "But it's just not that simple."

"Then I think you're making things more complicated than they need to be," Alexis spoke wisely. "You need to tell her, Dad. She loves you. She loves you, and she deserves to know."

"Pumpkin…" Castle sighed dejectedly. "Let's not worry about that right now, okay?" Alexis let out a similar sigh, and snuggled up to his chest so that she could feel his heartbeat against her cheek. Her eyes fluttered closed as a comfortable silence filled the air around them. They both drew comfort from one another, until Alexis' cries faded into nothing. They were both extremely exhausted from the emotional ordeal and drifted off into sleep.

When Martha came to check on them later, her heart was warmed by the sight of them together. Both were dead to the world and for a moment, Martha felt as if it were all going to be okay. After all, they all had eachother and that had to count for something. She tip-toed carefully into the room, trying not to make a sound as she covered them with a large fleece blanket. With a pained heart, she placed a kiss to both of their foreheads, and brushed the hair from their eyes. Alexis didn't stir at all, but Castle stirred slightly, his eyes fluttering open briefly. Martha could tell that his eyelids were quite heavy, because they hardly opened.

"Go back to sleep," she whispered with another kiss to his forehead. "I'll wake you two up in the morning," she promised. Castle muttered a sleepy reply that sounded a lot to Martha like an 'I love you,' before falling back into sleep. Martha wiped away a few tears of her own before quietly padding from the room and heading back downstairs. It was going to be a long night.

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><p><strong><em>AN So that's it for now. Sorry if it's a bit depressing. Hopefully, you'll forgive me! I'm already well into chapter 3 and will continue working on it. Chapter 3 is mainly going to consist of the doctor's appointment, and a couple of other extras. Kate will make another appearance soon! I promise! Please hit the review button below and make sure to leave a little comment! I'm really not picky! Thanks again for reading!_**


	3. Remember When It Rained

Title: **The World You Love**  
>Category: TV Shows » Castle<br>Author: caskettinacastle  
>Language: English, Rating: Rated: T<br>Genre: Drama

_**Chapter 3: Remember When It Rained**_

_**Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe. This is just me writing for the heck of it. (I'm not making any profit from it. I promise!)**_

_**Spoilers: Through part of Season 4**_

_**Rating: (Not really sure what its going to be. For now, I'll rate it T!)**_

_**A/N: Okay, so here is the next update. I'm sorry it took me so long to post this, but it took me a while to write it. I wanted the third chapter to be Rick's doctor's appointment. I wrote the whole thing and it wound up being 28 pages long. I thought that posting a 28 page long chapter would be too long. Maybe you disagree, but I did. So I wound up dividing up the chapter into two parts. The good news is that the next 17 pages are written. So I should be able to post this part today and the next tomorrow. I had a hard time writing this one. I put a lot of my own emotions into it. I won't go into the sort of things I've been through, but a lot of this comes from the heart. I really hope that you like this chapter. Feel free to point out any mistakes. I've read through this so many times my head hurts, but I always seemed to miss something. Without further delay, I'll let you get on with it.**_

_**I just want to say that the positive responses you guys have given this so far are absolutely amazing! I want to thank you all so much for your kind words. They really do mean the world to me. I'm sorry I haven't been posting as frequently as you might like. I'm really trying to put out quality chapters that I'm proud of. I think that because I'm somewhat of a perfectionist that it takes a lot of editing and effort before I'm comfortable posting. I'll try to be better about updating. Thanks again for reading! You guys are awesome! :D**_

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><p>The next morning Castle awoke to find himself enveloped in gentle rays of sunlight. The beams cast a warm orange glow on Castle's eyelids. He stirred, making the lengthy transition between his serene dream-like state and what he knew now to be cold harsh reality. Richard Castle was somewhat of a morning person. In fact, Kate had made many comments about Castle's very high-spirited disposition on the mornings when she had a headache. He usually managed to win Kate's good graces on the days where she was overly drained by getting her morning latte. Castle's mouth started to water slightly as he thought about coffee. He spent a long minute trying to decide if he wanted coffee and breakfast enough to get out of bed. Normally, there was no hesitation and Castle would go bounding downstairs to the kitchen. However, this morning Castle found that he was in the midst of one of those rare occasions when he would rather spend buried under the protection of the covers. If only the covers could truly protect him from the reality. Castle let out a groan, not wanting to have to face what he knew was coming. With a sleepy groan and a gruff sigh, Castle turned away from the windows and rolled onto his side. Knowing what lie in store for him, only made him want to bury himself deeper. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that he might be fortunate enough to fall back into sleep. His hope was that in sleep, he might be able to escape from all of the things that seemed to be pulling him apart.<p>

Despite his best efforts not to think about those things, however, Castle let his mind wander, and he unknowingly fixated upon them. He knew that there would be little chance of him returning to his previous dream of Kate and paradise. He tossed and turned for the next ten minutes ago, but finally gave up fighting and settled on his back. Castle threw his forearm over his eyes, letting his breathing even out. He'd finally made it back into sleep, but unfortunately, his nirvana didn't last long. Alexis' alarm clock started going off with a shrill chirp. Castle realized that she must have forgotten to turn it off. He threw back his forearm, rolled over, and silenced it. Castle decided to take it as a sign from the universe. Castle rolled back onto his back, opened his eyes, and pushed himself into a seated position. A quick once over of the other side of the bed, told him Alexis was awake already. Castle let out a low chuckle, and shook his head in amusement. From experience, Castle knew that nearly every other college student that was currently on summer vacation would probably be sleeping well into the afternoon, but not Alexis. In fact, some days, she was up before him. Castle got up and padded down the hallway towards the stairs.

He paused at the top of the stairs, hiding behind the bend in the wall. He could hear the murmurs of soft conversation. Whatever was being discussed sounded important. Her could hear the underlying alto of Alexis' voice that she used when she felt very strongly about something. Castle closed his eyes and concentrated harder.

"Alexis, sweetheart," Martha spoke calmly. "Your father wouldn't want you to give up school." Martha took a short pause.

"I wouldn't be giving it up, grams," Alexis replied, "But someone has to be here to take care of him. Every single time I've been sick, he's waited on me hand and foot. He's gone to every possible length to give me whatever I wanted or needed. I think that at the very least, he deserves the same from me!"

"What makes you think that I can't take care of him?" Martha challenged. "He's my son." Then she added. "Sweetheart, you worked so hard to get into Oxford. It's been your dream since you were a little girl."

"I know, but Dad is more important," Alexis spoke, her voice cracking under the weight of her emotion. He closed his eyes, feeling his heart skip a beat in his chest. 'God Bless her,' he thought. There were no words for the amount of love he had for his daughter. He knew she'd give up everything if she could just spare him from what was coming. Unfortunately, he knew that no one could alter what had to happen. He found himself agreeing with his mother. "Please don't let her give up everything for me," Rick pleaded in a whisper. "She has the whole world waiting out there for her. She could do or be anything she wanted. I don't want to keep her from her dreams..."

"Dear," Martha spoke wisely. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay? At this point we don't even know how bad things are, or what the treatment is going to be like," Martha argued. "I just think that you might want to wait a little longer before making such a radical decision." There was another pause. "But no matter what happens, I promise you that he'll be taken care of."

Castle took another step, praying that nothing would give him away. Apparently luck wasn't really on his side. He muttered a curse under his breath as the floorboard underneath his left foot squeaked. Abruptly, the two women stopped conversing. Castle strode around the corner and then descended the stairs to the happy chiming of his mother's warm voice.

"There he is! The man of the hour," Martha smiled, wrapping her arms around him in greeting. "How did you sleep?"

"Good," Castle replied as he returned the fierce embrace. Once he pulled away, he reached up to rub away the sore kink in his neck.

"Sit," Martha directed him to sit down on a chair at the bar in the kitchen. He watched her pour him a glass of orange juice, and thanked her as she set it down on the granite in front of him. "I made you that egg dish that you really like. Do you know which one I'm talking about? It's umm… the one that has the pieces of bacon and the creamy american cheese in it?"

"The egg strata?" Richard asked, feeling rather surprised, "You mean the one that we usually reserve for Christmas morning brunch?"

"Yes," Martha replied excitedly, "It's your favorite, isn't it?"

"Of course," Castle replied, "But I really wish you wouldn't have gone through all that trouble, mother." Castle sighed sadly. "I know from past experience just how much work goes into making it."

"Ah, nonsense," Martha waved her hand dismissively, "It wasn't hard to make at all." Martha turned around to look at the timer. "It should be done any minute now." A beat. "Besides, I figure that we all have a fairly long day ahead of us," Martha argued, "You deserve a nice nutritious breakfast." Castle couldn't stop the chuckle from coming out. He met Alexis' eyes and she smiled. Martha, however, was a little confused.

"What's so funny?" the elaborately dressed, older woman asked.

"Nothing…" Castle replied, "It's just… Nutritious isn't exactly how I would describe the dish, mother. There's got to be like a thousand calories in it."

"As if you ever worried whether something was healthy before," Alexis joked. "I mean… whipped cream from a can, dad? And that's not even mentioning those smorlets that you make." Castle chuckled again.

"You're right," Castle replied. "I should start eating better."

"Nah," Alexis shook her head. "I think you're entitled to eat anything that sounds good to you before…" Alexis suddenly realized what she was about to say and cut herself off. Still, she'd said enough for Castle to fill in the rest. 'Before the chemo,' or 'Before you're so sick you can't eat anything.' Castle swallowed uncomfortably, struggling to lift the unbearable weight that seemed to settle over the room. He thanked the lord for his mother when she broke the silence.

"Richard," his mother's voice cut in, shifting his attention from Alexis and onto her instead. "Why don't you go get dressed? I should have this on the table by the time that you get back out here."

"Sure, mother," Castle nodded as he took one long pull from his orange juice, set the glass back down on the counter, and slid off of his stool with a certain finesse. He could feel Alexis' apologetic gaze on him as he slipped from the room. He walked into his bedroom and into his walk-in closet. There he leant against the door jam and closed his eyes. How much more was the cancer going to take away from him? It was already ruining the usually wonderful dynamic of his family in a way that he hated. Were they ever going to be able to joke around without feeling like they were breaking some sort of rule? It felt like there was some invisible elephant in the room just looming over everyone. Castle took a deep breath and then opened his eyes. He was more determined than ever to get on with his life.

He returned to the primary task of getting dressed. He ruled out his dress shirts, and his sport coats as possible options, mainly because it was too hot for them. For once, Castle didn't really have to worry about looking professional, mainly because he didn't have to worry about going to the publisher or the precinct. In the end, Castle wound up dressing a little more casually than he would normally, and decided on a pair of nice Khaki Dockers, and a button up flannel shirt.

He set them on the rack closest to him, and started to unbutton his shirt. He fumbled with a few of them, and let out frustrated puffs of air as he did so. In a short time, however, he was free from the very wrinkled piece of clothing. He scrutinized it carefully, wondering if the sweat stains would come out of it. He wasn't terribly optimistic, and so he settled for chucking it in the wastebasket. In no time, he was pulling his white undershirt over his head, and was tossing it into the trash with its partner. He reached down to his belt, and unbuckled it. When he looked back up to his reflection in the mirror, he froze. His hands fell away from his body for a brief moment. It had to be some kind of trick of the light. Slowly Castle reached up to his chest, his fingers prodding at discolored skin. He winced a little as he felt a dull throbbing as a result. He swallowed thickly. How had he not noticed them before? Quickly, his eyes scanned over his arms, finding a fresh bruise and some faded ones. Castle squeezed his eyes shut for a long moment, let out a deep breath, and then went back to dressing as if nothing had happened. By the time he waltzed out into the great room, he had a smile on his face.

They had a relatively normal brunch, and then gathered in the living room to watch a movie. It was mainly just to pass the time until they inevitably headed to the hospital for the biggest doctor's appointment of Castle's life. He had no idea what tests were in store for him, but he could only imagine it would be rough. Finally, the grandfather clock chimed on the hour, signaling that it was time for them to go.

Within minutes, they were in a rented car, and were navigating through the crazy New York City traffic as they headed to Castle's doctor's appointment at Mount Sinai. Richard was fascinated by the divergent weather outside. Rain pelted down in sheets on the windshield as the driver continued slowly and cautiously to the hospital. As beautiful as the day before had been, this one was ugly. It was such a remarkable dynamic, that he had a hard time accepting the dreary weather. Every once and a while a flash of lightning and a loud crack of thunder would adorn the city sky. A big storm had rolled in over the course of the morning. To Rick, there was something right about the fact that it was raining; it seemed to fit his mood quite exceptionally. Alexis knew that Rick liked the rain. She could imagine that Castle had spent a lot of time as a young boy, jumping into puddles, and watching storms pass before his eyes. Alexis shared her father's fondness for storms. She loved everything about the rain, and the way the musky scent drifted into the air as the sky opened up and dumped on the world. In fact, Alexis even kept her car window cracked open during the drive, trying to enjoy the smell that it left as watched her father doze in the back seat. The rain splashed through the window and onto her face felt very soothing on her warm forehead. She watched her father carefully, and bit down on her lip as she prayed that they could get through this.

Finally, they made it to the Doctor Reynolds' office. Fortunately, the building was actually connected to the hospital through a small walkway. The driver pulled up to the curb, and Martha, Alexis, and Castle all climbed out the passenger side. When Castle turned, he let his eyes sweep up the monstrous building. He froze, seemingly unable to take another step. If it wasn't for Alexis, he might've stood there all day, just staring at the building in front of him. Castle jumped slightly as Alexis' hand slid into his own. Castle quickly pulled himself together, shaking his head to clear out the cobwebs. Together he and Alexis walked hand in hand to the main doors. Again, Castle paused for a minute outside. He stood there, just feeling the rain pour down on them. It felt like he was being cleansed. Alexis' hand gave Castle's a reassuring squeeze, although inside she was just as much of a wreck as her father.

"It'll be fine," Alexis whispered aloud, deciding that she needed to be brave for him. "Whatever happens, we'll get through it."

"We'll get through it," Martha echoed, before reaching up to give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"Okay… Let's go," Castle breathed, while taking the liberty of stealing a little glance over at his amazing daughter, who he already knew to be incredibly strong. Although, if the look on his daughter's face was any indication she seemed more nervous about than the appointment than he did, and that told him that she was in fact quite scared. Castle tried to ignore the way that Alexis' hand held his so very tightly. He didn't know why, but the anxious expressions flitting across the young woman's delicate features instilled some sort of pain in him, deep in his chest. He felt guilty for putting his own daughter through this. Finally, after seeing his mother check her watch for the tenth time, Castle decided to stop over analyzing everything, and get on with it.

Castle walked slowly through the massive and rather intimidating front doors of Mount Sinai Hospital. He swallowed over the sudden dryness in his throat that felt comparable to a golf ball being lodged in his throat. The hospital seemed like a completely different place now that he was a patient. He had been to hospitals all over the city due to his status as an important benefactor. He'd donated a significant amount of money to the children's hospital. Now, Rick was in need of its services. Castle felt his stomach churn as he started to look around. He hoped no one recognized him. He was uncomfortable and felt so much like he didn't belong there. He'd never admitted it out loud, of course, but Richard Castle absolutely despised hospitals. All the bright lights, and the smell of bleach, made his head spin. It also carried memories with it. Kate. Castle's heart skipped a beat as the vivid memory of Kate lying motionless on a gurney as he chased after it. He could still remember the blood that dripped down onto the floor.

"Dad? You okay?" Alexis' worried voice pulled him out of the horrifying memory, and saved him from more grief. Castle nodded, leading them towards the walkway located to the left of the lobby.

As he walked, Castle allowed his senses to reunite with the familiar scent of disinfectant and the usual surroundings as he made his way through the corridors.

"It's this way," he swallowed, tugging Alexis in the right direction. They turned around a couple of corners, and then it was there in front of them. Castle led them through the glass walkway and into safer territory. Alexis frowned as Castle let go of her hand.

Castle walked up to the receptionist's desk and gave her his name, Dr. Reynolds' name, and the time of the appointment. She made a brief phone call and then told him the doctor would be out soon. Then she handed him some paperwork to fill out and asked him to take a seat. He took the clipboard from her hands and stepped away.

Castle crossed the expanse of the waiting room, weaving his way through the chairs while Alexis followed closely behind with his mother. He hadn't meant for it to turn out this way, but he figured that it would be good for them to be there. That way they could ask any questions they wanted. Castle picked a small gap, where several adjoined chairs were vacant. He sat down in one and pulled his fountain pen from his pocket and uncapped it. He read the first question, and brought his pen to the paper as he started on the small questionnaire that queried about his medical history.

He finished the packet rather quickly. Although, when he was done, he almost wished he had taken longer because he really needed the distraction.

His stomach felt as if it were tied in knots, and the feeling only seemed to be getting worse. He knew that it was the nerves taking over, but he couldn't do anything to top them.

Castle couldn't seem to stop fidgeting as he continued to wait in his chair in the lobby. His hands started out in his lap, then on the armrests, and then to his knees. His leg bounced up and down in a jittery and highly repetitive movement that he was sure looked quite ridiculous. Castle swallowed as he felt a hand envelope one of his. His heartbeat grew stronger as he looked next to him to see Alexis. She gave it a squeeze, so as to say that she too knew what he was going through. She also wanted to remind him that he wasn't alone in this.

"Richard Castle?" A voice called out for him, and it tugged him out of his own tumultuous thoughts. He jumped up rather quickly, and walked over towards his doctor while being flanked by his mother and Alexis. He was surprised that Dr. Reynolds had taken the time to walk out to the waiting room since most doctors were either too busy, or too important to do so.

"Hi," Castle greeted with a forced smile, as the two exchanged a handshake.

"Good afternoon," Dr. Reynolds replied. "Thanks for coming."

"Thanks for squeezing me in on such short notice," Castle offered, knowing that it must have been difficult.

"It's not a problem," Jake continued with the exchange. For the first time he acknowledged Martha and Alexis. "You brought some company with you, I see."

"Yes, as a matter of fact I did. This is my mother, Martha, and Alexis, my daughter. I hope that's not a problem," Castle replied all too quickly, "But given the circumstances I thought that it would be good to have them here."

"I don't mind at all," Jake replied honestly, "I'm glad to see you have such a good support system." He turned to Martha and smiled. "It's good to meet the both of you, although I wish that it were under better circumstances."

"Me too," she replied honestly. "But it's good to meet you too."

"Well, how about we head back to my office," Jake suggested, "It seems that we have lots to talk about." Castle nodded. Dr. Reynolds led them down a hallway, and down another before finally coming to his office. He waved them inside, and then followed them in, shutting the door behind them for privacy.

"Please sit," the doctor implored them as he walked around his desk. Castle, Martha, and Alexis each procured a seat and sank down into it. "I know that you must have a lot of questions, but I feel as if I should start out with a little bit of information first." Jake paused for a moment, as he sat in his chair and leant forwards, propping his elbows on the desk. He cleared his throat. "Rick, I told you yesterday have Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. What you should know, is that it's the most common type of Leukemia. Leukemia is a cancer of the blood and the bone marrow. It's characterized primarily by malformed or immature leukocytes, or white blood cells. In this case, the band cells that are supposed to mature into healthy functioning white blood cells don't do so. As a result, the amount of healthy cells in the blood decreases, and the body loses its ability to fight off infections. In addition to malformed leukocytes, it is also possible to have abnormal red blood cells and platelets. The disease usually presents with flu-like symptoms such as fatigue, night sweats, nausea, weakness, and dizziness. It also results in increased bleeding such as bruising and nosebleeds. Untreated, the disease is fatal. But with treatment, it is completely curable." Castle heard his mother and Alexis let out an audible sigh. "As a cancer, Leukemia is extremely aggressive, but I'm happy to say that timing has worked out in your favor and that we caught it early."

"What would you say my prognosis is?" Castle asked as Dr. Reynolds took a pause.

"Well," Dr. Reynolds folded his hands, looking slightly uncomfortable. None of this was easy. "We still need to run a few more tests before we can accurately determine your prognosis, but I expect you to have a fairly good prognosis. You're young, and have no history of other serious illness." This time, it was Castle who let out a small sigh of relief. "I spent a fair amount of time on the phone this morning with Dr. Anders. We discussed the histology results from the bone marrow biopsy, and I'm happy to say that he was able to pinpoint which of your cells have been affected. I'm not sure how much you know, but there are eight main subtypes of AML. These subtypes are typically characterized by chromosomal abnormalities, and are usually identified by the type of cells that are involved. You have what we call M5, or Monocytic Leukemia." Castle's jaw clenched.

"I umm… I remember reading some information on the various subtypes of Leukemia, but I don't really remember which one is which," Castle admitted. "So uh… is that good or bad?" Castle asked calmly.

"Well," there was a long pause, during which they all held their breath, and then, "It's not favorable, but it's not highly unfavorable either." Then he elaborated. "What I mean by that is that there are subtypes that are considered to be more treatable and those that are considered a little more difficult to be treated. You don't have either."

"So I'm in the middle somewhere," Castle clarified.

"Yes," Dr. Reynolds replied confidently. "Although, I'd like to stress that your prognosis is still dependent on a lot of other factors. I stand by my first statement, which is that you should have a relatively good prognosis." Castle nodded. He was happy to get any reassurance that he could. It made it less likely that the negative thoughts would creep in later on when he was back home. "That being said, the disease can progress very quickly, so Dr. Anders and I feel as if it is very important that we do some more tests so that we can come up with more conclusive answers. Then we'd like to start your treatment as soon as possible."

"I agree with that approach," Castle said with a resolute nod.

"Good," Dr. Reynolds replied, happy that they'd reached a consensus. "Because when I talked to Dr. Anders this morning, we agreed to set up an appointment for you to have the tests done today at the hospital. So once we're done here, Dr. Anders will help you get most of the important tests out of the way, and we can get started on making those important decisions for you." Castle swallowed. He was grateful that both of the doctors seemed to be looking out for his best interests. Still, it felt like a lot to go through in one day. He had a feeling it would be one hell of an afternoon and an evening.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," Martha finally spoke, "But what sort of treatment would something like Richard's illness involve?" Martha asked.

"Well, typically, chemotherapy is used. This is all hypothetical, of course. But first, Castle will undergo a round of induction therapy in an effort to bring him into remission. The goal is to greatly reduce the number of cancer cells in the body. A single cycle of induction chemotherapy usually brings about remission in 70 to 80 percent of patients. Then once the amount of cancer cells that comprise the blood are reduced to less than 5%, Castle would undergo another round of consolidation therapy to kill all of the remaining cancer cells in his blood. A very small number of patients relapse after obtaining remission, but those that do often have pre-existing high-risk factors that indicate a potential for relapse. Rick shouldn't have those."

"How do you determine whether the patient is at high risk for that?" Castle asked calmly.

"Well," Dr. Reynolds replied slowly, trying to figure out how he would explain it. "It really depends on Cytogentics. Cytogentics allows us to identify the subtype of AML, which in your case we already know. But there is also another thing we have to worry about. There is a particular gene, called the FLT3 gene, and when it is present, it indicates a higher risk of relapse." Jake paused, watching all three of the people sitting across from him analyze his words. "It also depends on how advanced the cancer is when we find it, and whether any cancer cells are present in the spinal fluid and the rest of the central nervous system."

"Now you talk about two rounds of chemotherapy," Alexis spoke up. "How many days a month would my dad actually have to have chemo treatments?"

"That's a good question," the doctor replied. "Leukemia is actually treated a bit differently than other cancers, since radiation isn't typically utilized as part of the treatment. In your dad's case, he would probably undergo a single cycle. The first week he'd have medications administered every day for seven days, and then the following four weeks to six weeks to recover. If the induction chemotherapy doesn't bring him into remission, then another cycle of induction chemotherapy is administered." Castle swallowed. It was a lot different than he had been expecting.

"Now," Castle managed to choke out. "Would I have to stay in the hospital for that week, or…" Castle let his voice trail off. He decided to leave it as an open-ended question.

"Well," Dr. Reynolds replied, "Actually, most patients are hospitalized for the full five weeks." Castle's stomach sank as he realized just what an ordeal this was going to be. "That's the thing about treating Leukemia. The drugs that we administer to treat it are very potent. And unfortunately? They are also non-discriminatory. They kill healthy cells in the blood and bone marrow as well as the cancerous ones." He paused briefly, taking in the look on the faces of the people sitting across from them. He could tell that they hadn't been expecting that response. "Unfortunately chemo will leave you extremely vulnerable to infection. You won't be able to fight anything on your own. That's one of the main reasons why patients are hospitalized. When patients are in the hospital, we can control their environment and make it less likely for them to contract a severe and potentially fatal infection or virus."

"What about home care?" Castle asked quietly.

"I would be happy to consider such a possibility, but I would need to consult with Dr. Anders first before deciding one way or the other," he replied. "I think that he's the one who will ultimately be making those choices, since he's the specialist." Castle nodded.

"Well, there's one other thing that I think is important to mention," Dr. Reynolds spoke finally. "But I wouldn't want to presume anything, and I'm not really sure if you'd like to discuss it in front of your family."

"It's fine," Richard assured him.

"Dad," Alexis spoke up, "If you want grams and I to step out for a minute, we can."

"No," he shook his head. "It's okay."

"Okay," Dr. Reynolds nodded. He looked a little uneasy before asking, "Have you… Have you given any thought as to whether or not you might want to have children in the future?"

"No," Castle stuttered, as he struggled to order and compose his suddenly chaotic thoughts, which seemed to be all over the place. He didn't know why, but the question made him feel very emotional. He suddenly understood why the man had given him the option of having this conversation in private.

"No. Not really," Castle replied. He knew that his answer was kind of a lie, so he decided to be a little more forthcoming, "Of course I always hoped that maybe someday, you know, if I met the right person, that I would like to maybe…" Castle's voice broke, and he let out a frayed breath. "I'm sorry," he quickly apologized as he squeezed his eyes shut. He suddenly felt as if he were on the brink, and was about to fall. His shoulders slumped forwards and he reached up to try to rub away the burning in his eyes with his thumb and his forefinger. He felt his throat start to close up on him completely, and wasn't sure if he could finish. Alexis, sensing his distress, piped up to say.

"I think what my dad is trying to say," she spoke softly, "is that he'd really like to be able to pursue that option in the future if…err...when he marries the love of his life."

"Pumpkin, it's okay you don't have to…" Castle breathed, feeling awful. Both of them seemed to be skirting around the fact Castle only had one person in mind when it came to ever marrying again. Kate was Castle's one true love, and up until now, he had always dreamt about the amazing possibility of starting a family with her. The fact was, if Kate wanted kids, he wanted to be able to give her a daughter or a son. If things didn't work out, and he couldn't do that, he was sure he would feel pretty devastated. At the same time, however, Castle loved Alexis dearly, and he knew that if she was the only child that he ever had, that he would still be more than happy. He had already been so blessed as to have her.

It was just hard to think about something that up until now, he'd taken for granted.

"Okay," Dr. Reynolds cut in softly. "Rick, I know that it's a pretty loaded question, and an emotional one at that."

"I'm sorry," Rick apologized as he dropped his hand and blinked away tears. Castle looked away, feeling embarrassed.

"Don't apologize," Jake replied warmly. "It's a difficult question."

"I guess it's just hard because I'd never thought about it before," Castle choked out.

"Yeah," the doctor agreed. "You know why I'm asking though, don't you?"

"Yeah," Castle swallowed. "Because the chemotherapy drugs affect fertility in men and women." He nodded.

"Which means that if you do want to be able to have children," Jake spoke slowly, "That you're going to want to plan for it ahead of time." He paused to take a breath. "And you're probably going to want to do something about it soon, because we'll probably initiate chemotherapy within the next few weeks."

"Okay," Castle nodded, his mind suddenly racing. He closed his eyes again as he thought about how much more complicated this made everything. He couldn't do anything the way that he wanted. In the past, when Castle thought about having children with Kate, he imagined it as being a sort of unexpected surprise, where Kate would show him the pregnancy test and he would be overcome with sudden joy. He imagined picking her up and spinning her around, all the while shouting to the world that he was going to have a baby with the woman he loved. Anything else just seemed wrong to him.

The next hour, they spent talking over the smaller details until they were all sure that they knew what to expect in the coming months. At around 4:30, Dr. Reynolds walked them out into the waiting room, and gave them directions on how to get to the Outpatient Registration desk so that they could do the testing they needed.

They made their way back to the lobby and headed towards the main elevator. Alexis, never releasing his hand, matched him step for step. Together, Castle, Martha, and Alexis entered the elevator and Martha pressed the button for the appropriate floor and rode it up with a small sigh. Castle shifted from foot to foot, and Alexis could see that he was growing anxious. She watched him continue to fight his own demons, sadly. After stopping at several other floors, the elevator finally reached the floor they needed. The doors finally parted and Castle, Martha, and Alexis filed out behind the large group of patients, doctors, nurses and an assortment of other individuals that made up the group. When the hallway cleared in front of them, they were left to get their direction from the large sign on the opposite wall. Castle watched the chaos in keen interest as all of the people from the elevator ran off in different directions. They all had a mission and a purpose, and by some miracle, they managed to avoid collisions. Castle's eyes darted back to the sign. He was looking at it, but his mind seemed to be in another place. He stared, waiting for the white letters to form into something he understood. They all seemed to move around, jumbling into different combinations in front of his eyes that made absolutely no sense to him. Rick shook his head. Now he was sure that he was officially losing it.

Castle had no idea how he was going to make it through the rest of the day. He was already so emotionally and physically exhausted. He knew that the tests would only make that feeling that much worse, but he had to trudge on. He was more determined than ever to get through it. He knew that with Martha and Alexis at his side that he could do anything. Somehow, they would make it through. Castle wondered how many times he'd have to say those words before he actually believed them.

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><p><em><strong>So that's the first part! Depending on how it's received, the second part should be up at some point tonight or early tomorrow. Thanks so much for reading. If you can, please take a second to hit the review button and leave a short comment! It only takes a second!<strong>_


	4. Shadow of the Day

Title: **The World You Love**  
>Category: TV Shows » Castle<br>Author: caskettinacastle  
>Language: English, Rating: Rated: T<br>Genre: Drama

_**Chapter 4: Shadow of the Day**_

_**Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe. This is just me writing for the heck of it. (I'm not making any profit from it. I promise!)**_

_**Spoilers: Through part of Season 4**_

_**Rating: (Not really sure what its going to be. For now, I'll rate it T!)**_

_**A/N: Okay so I've been pretty sick all day and I am just getting around to posting this now, but I did make it before midnight. Here is part 2! I hope that you like it!**_

_**P.S. I just want to thank you guys for all of your encouragement and your wonderful reviews! I appreciate it all so much, and hope that I don't disappoint. Thanks again! :D**_

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><p><em>They made their way back to the lobby and headed towards the main elevator. Alexis, never releasing his hand, matched him step for step. Together, Castle, Martha, and Alexis entered the elevator and Martha pressed the button for the appropriate floor and rode it up with a small sigh. Castle shifted from foot to foot, and Alexis could see that he was growing anxious. She watched him continue to fight his own demons, sadly. After stopping at several other floors, the elevator finally reached the floor they needed. The doors finally parted and Castle, Martha, and Alexis filed out behind the large group of patients, doctors, nurses and an assortment of other individuals that made up the group. When the hallway cleared in front of them, they were left to get their direction from the large sign on the opposite wall. Castle watched the chaos in keen interest as all of the people from the elevator ran off in different directions. They all had a mission and a purpose, and by some miracle, they managed to avoid collisions. Castle's eyes darted back to the sign. He was looking at it, but his brain seemed to be stuck on something else. He stared, waiting for the white letters to form into something he understood. They seemed to move around, and jumble into different combinations in front of his eyes. Rick shook his head; he was sure that he was officially losing it.<em>

_Castle had no idea how he was going to make it through the rest. He was already so emotionally and physically exhausted. He knew that the tests would only make that feeling that much worse, but he had to trudge on. He was more determined than ever to get through it. He knew that with Martha and Alexis at his side that he could do anything._

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><p>"Richard?" Martha's calm voice spoke from his left. "You okay?" Castle swallowed.<p>

"Yeah," he replied in a grated voice, "Sorry. I was just thinking." The letters finally shifted into place. He turned to the right and led them down a narrow hallway towards Outpatient reception.

Without breathing, Castle wandered up to the outpatient registration desk. A very sophisticated looking receptionist, who had the look down to a T, looked up from her paperwork. She straightened her glasses subconsciously while offering him a warm and rather welcoming smile.

"Good Afternoon," she smiled. "How can I help you?"

"Hi," Castle attempted to smile back, "I'm umm…here for my appointment with Dr. Anders." Castle swallowed nervously. "He umm wants to do some tests."

"What's your name?" the receptionist asked while looking up something in the computer.

"Richard Castle," Castle replied, while fiddling with a pen that was left on the counter.

"And your birthday?" she asked as she finished typing in his name into the computer.

"Umm, March 27th, 1973," he replied.

"Ah yes," she smiled. Alexis stood by, watching with detached interest as Castle answered the necessary questions regarding insurance and address changes. A few minutes went by. Alexis watched as the woman slipped a bracelet around her father's wrist.

"A nurse will be out in a couple of minutes to collect you and take you to the exam room. Feel free to have a seat in the waiting room across the hall." Castle nodded, leading Alexis and his mother across the hall. They sat down inside. Alexis sighed, and Castle wrapped a protective strong arm around her shoulders. Alexis found that she valued moments like this, when her father could make her feel safe, protected. She closed her eyes, and Castle did the same. They waited like that for a few minutes before a nurse entered and called out Castle's name. He felt himself gently shaken awake. His mother spoke gently into his ear.

"Richard, dear?" Martha's gentle voice whispered again. "Richard, they're ready for you." Rick opened his eyes, groggily waiting for everything to return for him.

"Wha?" he breathed softly, rubbing his eyes.

"They're ready for you," Alexis replied, waiting as Castle took a quick glance around the room. Suddenly it registered. Castle was up and on his feet in no time, walking towards the nurse with his mother and daughter in toe.

"Mr. Rodgers?" the nurse asked. Castle nodded in confirmation. "If you'll follow me, I'll take you to your room."

"Can my mother and daughter come with?" he asked, not wanting to be alone.

"Of course," she nodded, "They're welcome to stay with you until the doctor gets there, but they may have to step out during the exam. Just as long as they don't mind."

"Not at all," Martha found herself breathing.

"Okay," the nurse nodded, "Well, if you would please follow me this way…" Castle, Martha, and Alexis followed her through the winding halls of the hospital. The bright white floors and yellow walls seemed obtrusive to Castle's eyes, and so he squinted as he tried to block out some of the light. Finally, they reached a small exam room, and the nurse led them inside.

"The gown and a pair scrub bottoms are on the bed there," she indicated the usual hospital clothing. "If you could just change out of your clothes and into the gown, then the doctor should be in only a couple of minutes." Castle nodded. He figured when she said "a couple of minutes" that she meant something more along the lines of 'half an hour.' Everything always seemed to move slower in New York.

"Thanks," he said as she gave them a nod and shut the door softly behind them with a click. Castle took a long look around the small exam room and let out a deep breath in a rush of air.

"We'll be just outside," Martha announced, as she and Alexis slipped back out the door.

Castle took off his shirt, and let out a violent shiver as the cool air of the hospital met his bare torso. He then immediately proceeded to kick off his shoes and pull off his loose pants. He slung the pants over the plastic chair in the room, and scooped up the scrub bottoms. He slipped them on, before reaching for the gown. Finally, he pulled on the gown. It was then that Castle ran into a little bit of trouble, and had to wrestle with the back of the fabric in order to tie the small strings that would hold it in place. He'd just finished with the last one when a light rap on the door startled him.

"May I come in?" a rather deep masculine voice requested calmly from the other side of the door.

"Sure," Castle replied in a tone that sounded much unlike his own, at least to his own ears. He picked up his Khakis, shirt, and socks, and tossed them into a small bag that had been left for him. "Come in," Castle commanded.

In that moment the door opened, and an unfamiliar gentleman dressed in a white lab coat and deep navy scrubs, strode into the room. He had sandy blonde hair that was perfectly styled and very expressive green eyes that had a sort of warmth and sincerity to them. Initially, Castle's first impression of the doctor was one of skepticism. He seemed far too young and inexperienced for Castle's liking, but Castle knew better than anyone not to judge a book by its cover.

"Hello," the young doctor greeted with a friendly smile. "You must be Richard Castle. I'm Dr. Anders, but you can feel free to call me Justin." He seemed to exude a lot of confidence as he offered his hand to Castle. Castle hesitated, but then reached out and shook it. He seemed to be reading Castle's mind when he said. "You're thinking I'm way too young to be doing this, aren't you?"

"No, of course not," Castle shook his head, denying it outright, but he could see that the man wasn't buying into his denial. This led Castle to recant his earlier statement "Okay, so maybe I was thinking it just a little bit," Castle, admitted in an attempt to be completely honest. After all, he needed to feel completely comfortable with his doctor. This was especially true because of how much was on the line. Castle let out a tense breath before saying, "I'm sorry. I'm just really nervous." Castle tried to explain. "I uh… I feel very emotionally invested in this, as you might expect, and I think that I just want to be sure I'm in the right hands."

"It's okay," the young doctor chuckled, "I understand that you're skeptical. You're certainly not the first person to think I'm unqualified." He shook his head somewhat dismissively. "I think it would be arrogant or cocky of me to come out and say that you're in good hands, but at the same time, I want to reassure you that I am _very_ good at what I do." Castle nodded.

"Oh, and I look a lot younger than I actually am," Dr. Anders joked. "I've actually had a lot of experience, and I am very respected in the field."

"I know," Castle replied. "Dr. Reynolds spoke very highly of you."

"So," the young doctor cleared his throat as he met Castle's eyes, "What do you think?" He paused to take an even breath. "Are you sure that you're going to be comfortable with me as your hematologist and oncologist?" Justin asked, "Because I want you to feel completely comfortable throughout this whole process." He paused to clear his throat. "And I really want you to feel like you can talk to me if you're having doubts, or if you have any questions. But even more importantly? I want you to be able to trust me and the decisions that I make for your care." Castle met the doctor's eyes and searched them. From the way he spoke, Castle could see that Justin was very compassionate, and that he genuinely cared about building a good relationship with his patients. He also seemed very driven, and Castle had a feeling that the man would get him through the fear and doubt. If Dr. Anders was good enough for Dr. Reynolds, then he was good enough for Castle.

"Yeah," Castle nodded, with a smile. "I'm sure." He swallowed. "I trust you."

"Good," Justin smiled, "I'm glad to hear that."

"Okay," he sighed, "So Dr. Reynolds and I have agreed it would be best to do a full work-up. Unfortunately, that means that we're going to have to do a lot of tests today. And by a lot, I mean _a lot_." Castle groaned.

"I know…I know. That's probably not what you want to hear," Justin spoke sympathetically, "But it's important that we know how far the cancer has progressed, and that we make sure the cancer hasn't spread to any major organs." Castle nodded.

"Knowing those things will help us figure out what to do next," Dr. Anders informed him.

"I understand," Castle breathed.

A nurse came in wheeling a small cart of instruments and began taking Rick's vitals as he sat on the edge of the examination table. The nurse wrapped a cuff gently around Rick's upper arm and hit the button on the monitor. Rick could feel the material constrict tightly around the musculature of his upper arm. It partially interrupted the laminar flow of the blood in his brachial artery, and as a result, it made his fingers start to prickle uncomfortably with numbness. As she was waiting for the machine to spit out numbers, the nurse clipped a small monitor that was designed to measure his heart rate on Castle's index finger. Castle listened to the monitor begin beeping behind him as it picked up his heart rate.

"So," Dr. Anders sighed, sitting down on the stool in the room with Castle's chart in front of him, "So how have you been feeling? Physically? Emotionally?"

"I don't know," Castle said as he buried his head in his hands for a brief moment and then let them fall away, "It's really hard for me to make sense of things at this point. Ever since I found out yesterday, my feelings have been all over the place. To be honest, I think I'm still trying to process everything."

"That's completely normal," Justin reassured him. "A lot of people who are diagnosed with cancer have to deal with the shock of it first. It might help if you have someone to talk to." Castle listened intently. "If you feel like you need to, I know a really good Christian counselor you can talk to."

"I'll think about it," Castle replied. "Right now I'm just trying very hard to hold myself together, and clearly I'm not doing a very good job of it." Castle paused to take a deep breath. "I think that maybe it would be good for me to talk to someone, but I… I've never been very good about expressing my feelings in the moments when it counted."

He paused and raked a hand over his jaw as he continued, "I think what makes things even harder for me right now is that I _feel_ fine. In fact, I hadn't noticed anything was wrong with me until I found out yesterday. Now, I find that I'm noticing bruises. To be honest, I would still think it was nothing if it weren't for the fact that there is undeniable evidence to the contrary." Castle swallowed.

"Alright," Dr. Anders commented while scribbling in his chart. The nurse took advantage of the lull of conversation and slipped a thermometer under Castle's tongue. She waited a couple of minutes before pulling it out.

"Dr. Anders," the nurse spoke nervously, "he's got a temperature of 39.2 degrees Celsius. Just thought that you should know." Castle suddenly realized he had been shivering. Why was he only noticing these things after the fact? He always thought of himself as being very observant, but now he wasn't so sure.

"Thanks, Liz," he said gratefully, "I think it's about time that I do an examination of Mr. Castle. So if you could please leave the room I would appreciate it." The nurse gave a nod as well as an apologetic look at Rick before she left the room. Dr. Anders stood up, setting Castle's chart down on the counter. Slowly he walked over.

"If you could lay down for me please," Dr. Anders requested as Rick slid down so that he was laying flat on the table.

"So how has your writing been going?" Justin asked finally as he warmed his stethoscope and slipped it under the gown. "I'm sure you hear this a lot, but I'm a big fan."

"Thanks," Rick smiled. Sometimes he wondered how many of those he met were actually fans of his and weren't just saying so. Surely everyone he met couldn't all like his writing.

"I still don't understand why you had to kill of Derrick Storm, but in a way I'm sort of glad you did. I think the Nikki Heat series is even better," Justin spoke.

"Yeah," Castle swallowed. "If you like Nikki Heat, then I'll have to introduce you to my partner sometime. She's the inspiration for the whole series. Kate is a bit of a spitfire. And frankly? She's one of the most driven people I've ever met." A beat. "She always gives each case her undivided attention, and because of that, she always honors the victims. Her passion and her compassion make a huge difference. Kate is... Well, she's absolutely extraordinary. I mean... It's why I fell in lo-" Castle cut himself as he realized what he'd been about to say. He took a breath, contemplating the best way to cover up his slip. "You'd love her," Castle breathed finally.

"Are you still following her around?" Justin asked, eager to hear more. "I read in an article that you were following her around to do research."

"Yeah, I do," Castle smiled. "whenever I get the chance. Writing keeps me pretty busy, but I value all of the knowledge I've gained over the last few years."

"The city is keeping you busy, I'm sure," Justin stated. "Unfortunately, I don't think murderers take any vacations."

"Yeah," Castle groaned as the doctor pushed down a little on his chest and stomach. "Let's just say that I've had my hands full. Lucky for me, things have actually slowed down the past couple of weeks."

"Slow is good," Anders commented. "You experiencing any pain?"

"Yeah," Castle nodded and swallowed, "a lot in my stomach, hips, back and shoulders." Justin nodded, tapping on Castle's stomach. Slowly he looked Rick over, making notes in the chart as he did so. He helped Rick sit up again, and listened to his heart and lungs. Castle clenched his jaw as Dr. Anders began feeling his neck and lymph nodes. He made a clicking sound with his tongue.

"Well," he sighed, "You have some enlarged lymph nodes in your neck and along your collar bone, but that's relatively normal with this illness."

"So it should be nothing major?" Castle choked out.

"Right," the young doctor replied. "That being said… I think that it's better to be safe than sorry. The tests we're doing today should help us determine if there is any cause for concern. If the cancer is affecting your lymphatic system, then we'll have to consider a minor surgery for removal of the affected lymph nodes." Then he added calmly. "But we won't worry unless we need to." Castle's throat suddenly seemed very tight. What if the cancer had already spread? He wasn't even sure he could think about the possibility.

"Okay," Justin breathed, scanning over Castle's chart. "Here's what we're going to do," the doctor said planning out his coarse of action, "We're going to get some blood-work from you, a cat scan, and something called a PET scan. I also want to do an abdominal ultrasound, and get an M.R.I. just to make sure there isn't anything else going on. And then once those things are done, then I would like to do a lumbar puncture. That's actually at the top of my list."

"You want to do a spinal tap?" Castle asked, blanching noticeably.

"Yes," Justin replied simply. "We have to check and see whether any leukemia cells are present in the cerebral spinal fluid, because it greatly affects the way we approach treating the cancer. If there are cells present in the cerebral spinal fluid, then we have to inject chemotherapy drugs straight into the central nervous system during your treatments." Castle gulped, thinking about the idea of a giant needle pushing into his back. The bone marrow biopsy had been uncomfortable enough.

"Now, I trust that when you were in with Dr. Reynolds' office that he talked about the histology results of the bone marrow biopsy and the complete blood count?" Dr. Anders clarified.

"Yeah," Castle choked out. "He told me that I had Acute Monocytic Leukemia, which he said wasn't favorable, but that it wasn't unfavorable either."

"Correct," Justin replied. "It basically means that you have an uncharacteristically high percentage of monocytic cells in the bone marrow, and that of those monocytic cells, nearly all of them are monoblasts." He paused, wanting to make sure that Castle could follow his words. "Let me try to explain it a little differently." Castle nodded. He was grateful that the doctor was trying to explain it in a way he could actually understand.

"All blood cells are produced in the bone marrow, and develop before being released into the blood stream. Leukocytes are produced there also," Justin explained. "There are three types of Leukocytes, or what you know to be white blood cells. They are lymphocytes, granulocytes, and monocytes. You can think of monoblasts as being immature or undeveloped monocytes. These cells are supposed to mature into Macrophages, which typically serve as the body's main defense against bacteria and other foreign particles, but instead of maturing into Macrophages, these cells remain malformed and ineffective. In high numbers, they severely hinder your body's ability to fight infection, and make you more susceptible to bleeding."

"I would say that you have a fairly good prognosis based on my experience," Dr. Anders commented. "You've been relatively healthy your entire life, have no history of cancer, and are still quite young. The subtype of Leukemia that you have may require more than one cycle of chemotherapy, but as long as we're aggressive in treating you, you should achieve complete remission."

"Doctor Reynolds says that there were some other factors," Castle said hesitantly. "What else do you need to know before you can be sure of my prognosis?"

"Well," Dr. Anders cleared his throat, making eye contact with Castle. "We need to do a genetic test in order to determine whether a particular gene mutation is present. The FLT3 genetic mutation is one of the biggest prognostic indicators when it comes to cancer of the bone marrow. Those that have the gene present, often relapse." Dr. Anders paused, seeing Castle swallow uncomfortably. "That's why it is important to know whether or not you have it," he stressed, "Because if you do, then we can come up with a treatment plan that will give you the best chance of reaching remission, without any sort of relapse."

"Okay then," Castle replied calmly while wringing his hands in his lap.

"Rick," Justin spoke calmly. "I can see that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, but it's going to be okay."

"Okay," he repeated in a sort of daze, "It's going to be okay." Dr. Anders made a couple of more notes in Rick's file.

"Okay, well… Liz should be in here in just a couple of minutes to take some blood," Justin said, as he hovered in front of the door. "I'm going to have her give you some Phenergan to help you with the nausea, and some dilaudid to help with the pain. That should help you feel a little better. I'll also have her give you something to help with your fever as well."

"Great," Castle replied replied. "Thanks."

"Oh," Dr. Anders added as an afterthought as he opened the door, "Liz will also be taking you up for the C.T and P.E.T. scan."

"Okay," Castle nodded again.

"I'll be back to check on you soon. Then I'll try and give you some more specific times regarding the other stuff."

Rick nodded, thanking him one last time as he fled from the room. Castle closed his eyes, draping his forearm across his eyes to block out the light. Rick heard the slight click of the opening door and the gentle shuffling of feet as someone else entered. Castle dislodged his forearm, inclining his head in order to see who it was.

"It's just me," Alexis whispered, "Go back to sleep." Castle smiled as Alexis flipped off the lights. She always seemed to be able to read his mind. Castle let out a sigh as he felt a warm hand envelope hers, then soft fingers as she traced the bruises on Castle's forearm and in the juncture of his elbow.

"Pumpkin," Rick whined.

"What?" Alexis breathed distractedly, as she looked into Castle's beautiful crystalline blue eyes and removed her touch from Castle's forearm. For a long moment they held eachother's eyes.

"Don't look at my arms," Castle pleaded. He tried to pull his arm away, but Alexis grabbed onto it and held it with a steadfast grip. "They're… all bruised and mangled. Hell, they make me look like…."

"They don't make you look like anything," Alexis argued. Castle opened his mouth to argue, when the door opened.

"Hey, Rick," Liz greeted softly as she strode into the room, "I'm here to get an I.V. started, and to take some blood."

"Okay," Castle replied calmly, "that sounds good."

"I'm sorry," she apologized, "but I'm going to have to turn the light back on."

"That's fine," Castle managed, before squeezing his eyes shut. He saw his eyelids turn bright orange as the light came on and light permeated through is eyelids. Alexis watched as Liz walked slowly over to the cupboard and started pulling out the necessary supplies to start an I.V.

When she finished, she shut the cupboard and locked it. Alexis watched as she slipped on a pair of gloves, and Castle heard an audible snap as the nurse's gloves were secured into place. Castle laid back, offering up his arms. He was determined not to open his eyes, not wanting to see all of the bruises that previous pokes and injuries had left on his arm.

"Which arm usually works better?" Liz asked calmly as she gently turned over Castle's arm and prodded it with her forefinger. She was looking for a viable vein that wasn't too deep under Castle's skin.

"To be honest?" Castle replied without opening his eyes, "I don't really know. I don't usually get poked so frequently." Finally, the nurse found one that looked promising. Castle knew this because he could feel her prodding at the same place over and over again as she fixated upon it. Castle squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, wanting desperately to be in some other place. He hated needles.

"Okay," the nurse announced softly, "This is going to be a little tight." Castle felt a pinch as the nurse tied a tight knot in the rubber tourniquet she'd placed on his upper arm. It pinched, and Castle gritted his jaw as he attempted to deal with the discomfort. Alexis moved around to his other side. Her fingers gently brushed his left hand, but she didn't take it. Castle felt a cool burn as the Liz wiped at the area with alcohol, cleaning it. With a slight pop, the tip came off of the wide needle.

"Alright," the young brunette nurse commented, lining up the needle. "Here comes the poke." Castle clenched his jaw, and turned his neck away, still trying to imagine himself in some other place. Out of the blue, he thought of a pair of sparkling greenish hazel eyes, of soft touches and kisses. The memory of the feel of the detective's warm, soft skin soothed and comforted him. "Did you even feel that?" Rick heard a voice of a slightly deeper timber than he was expecting, and it interrupted Castle's thoughts. "Alright," the nurse breathed, "I'm going to take some blood now." Castle felt a slight pinch as the nurse popped one of the tubes into the backwards needle. Alexis watched as warm, nearly maroon, blood quickly filled the tube before it was replaced with another and another. 'How much blood do they need?' Alexis thought to herself as the fifth vial filled quickly. Finally, the nurse seemed satisfied that she'd gotten enough. She dropped the last vial into the kidney dish, and set about securing the I.V. in place. Rick sighed, gingerly opening his eyes. His eyes darted downwards to where Liz was taping the tubing in place.

"Okay, Rick," she gave a soft smile. "I'm going to give you some Phenergan for nausea, and some dilaudid for pain. He watched as she uncapped the first syringe and connected it to the line. Slowly, she injected the liquid that was inside. She followed the Phenergan with a flush of some saline to make sure it cleared the line, and then uncapped the second syringe. "This is some dilaudid to help with your pain," she commented, and then injected the second drug." Castle winced slightly as the drug entered his body. If felt so cold that he felt like he could follow its pathway through his body. He could feel the icy liquid flow up his arm, across his chest, and then with a beat of his heart, it was propelled through his arteries and made its way through the rest of his body. He closed his eyes and his breathing hitched as it reached his brain, and he suddenly felt one hell of a head rush.

"Whoa," he breathed aloud, feeling like he was suddenly in the clouds. He wasn't sure he liked it. It was very disorienting.

"You okay?" Martha asked worriedly as she came into the exam room to find him in this peculiar state.

"Yeah," Alexis answered for him. "The medicine they just gave him is just really strong. I think he's a little surprised."

"I'm fine," Castle tried to reassure his mother as he opened his eyes and made eye contact. He still felt numb and cold all over.

The nurse, who was not done quite yet, handed him a cup and a couple of Tylenol. "This should help with the fever," she commented. Castle popped the pills into his mouth and followed it with a swallow of the cool water. He drained the small cup and handed it back to her. Liz promptly chucked it into the trash. She walked over to the counter and Rick watched as she dropped each vile of his blood into a labeled biohazard bag with his name on it.

"Okay, Rick," the nurse spoke in a friendly manner. "I have to get these down to the lab, but I'll be back to take you up to Radiology for your C.T. and P.E.T. scan."

Castle nodded, watching as Liz walked to the door. He called out a brief thank you to her before she left. He heard her acknowledge it fleetingly, before she rushed down the hall.

"You should get some more rest," Martha recommended, "You look exhausted." Castle swallowed. Alexis, agreeing with her grandmother wholeheartedly, walked over to the light switch and flicked off the lights again. She and her grandmother sat in complete silence as Rick nodded off again for a short time. It seemed like it wasn't very long before the door was opening and the nurse entered again. Alexis gently shook him awake. He blinked a few times, taking his time to look around as he reacquainted himself with the waking world.

"Okay, Rick," the nurse spoke in a friendly manner. "I'm back like I promised. I'm here to take you up to Radiology for your C.T. and P.E.T. scan." At some point, the lights came on, and Alexis moved aside so that the nurse could have access to Castle's I.V. She sat down, watching as the nurse unplugged Castle from the saline drip. He shook his head as another nurse walked into the room with a wheelchair.

"Thanks for the wheelchair," Castle choked out. "But I don't need it. I can walk."

"Mr. Castle," the other nurse, Jess, replied calmly, "I'm afraid that it's hospital policy." Unfortunately, Castle was too stubborn and too proud to accept it. He stood up, shaking his head.

"I want to walk," Castle said adamantly.

"Okay," Liz finally relented, checking her watch. She turned to Alexis to address her. "I've got to get him up to C.T. You're welcome to come up with him if you'd like, but you'll have to wait up in the radiology waiting room up there." Alexis nodded.

"I'll go with," she said as she grabbed her messenger bag from off of the floor, and walked up to Radiology with her dad. The next two hours, Castle spent in a daze. The C.T. scan was simple enough. They injected a contrast into his I.V. and something else that made him feel extremely warm all over. After that, he was sent into another large machine that compiled incredibly intricate images of Castle's insides. The P.E.T. scan was about as harmless as the C.T. P.E.T. scan was very much the same as the CAT scan, but was more in depth. The dye they injected was supposed to bond to cancer cells in the body and expose them. The P.E.T. scan took a little bit longer, but still, it was a cakewalk compared to the Magnetic Resonance Imager.

Castle had never had issues with claustrophobia, but as he lay still inside the narrow tube for the better part of an hour, he became increasingly anxious as time passed. They had forced him to wear some sort of contraption around his head that held it completely still. He was instructed not to move at all, and was told that if he did move, that they would be forced to start over. Loud pulses, made his ears ring. He tried to block out the noise, but it was impossible. He was literally surrounded by it. Castle's only link to the outside world was a microphone and a speaker that let him talk to the people outside, and a button that was held tightly in his hand. The button was a way for him to abort the test if he couldn't handle it any more. But the notion that they'd just have to start over again if he did, left him unwilling to push it. When they finally pulled him out of the machine, Castle had never been so happy to be free of something in his entire life.

The last test that he had was a simple abdominal ultrasound. It was painless and Castle actually fell asleep during the test. Alexis held his hand, watching him doze peacefully as the radiology technician moved a transducer over the expanse of Castle's abdomen. Every so often, she would look at the blurry images on the screen, silently wondering how anyone made sense of the images at all. In a sort time they were finished, and Castle returned to the exam room as they waited to hear word of exactly what came next. Castle jumped a little when, with a knock, Dr. Anders entered.

"Well, you're almost done," he commented, knowing very well that Castle was completely spent and therefore probably pretty desperate to get out of there. Unfortunately, Castle was going to be stuck there for another few hours, yet. "We just have the lumbar puncture, and then once you've recovered from that, then we can get you out of here."

"How long after the procedure do you have to keep him?" Martha asked softly.

"Several hours," Dr. Anders replied. "Because we'll be removing spinal fluid, it is important that he lay flat for as much time as possible to prevent any adverse side effects. Plus, we like to keep an eye on them for a little while after the procedure."

"That bad, huh?" Castle joked.

"I promise I'll try to make it as absolutely painless as possible," Justin offered. "You think you're ready?

"As ready as I'll ever be," Castle breathed, while looking at the forlorn expression on Alexis' features. "Let's just get it over with." Together, he, Martha, and Alexis were led to another floor where the outpatient procedure room was located. Castle expected them both to wait in the waiting room, but Alexis surprised him when she asked the nurse if she could be in the room with him.

"Pumpkin," Castle breathed while squeezing her hand, "I really don't think that would be a good idea. I don't want you to have that image stuck in your head."

"I don't want you to go through it by yourself, Dad," Alexis persisted. "I'll be fine." Castle let out a defeated sigh, knowing that Alexis was determined to be there. And the one thing Castle knew for sure, was that when Alexis had her mind set on something, she always found a way to reach her goal. When they pushed their way into procedure room number three, Castle was surprised to see a handful of nurses flitting around inside. They were getting the trays ready for the procedure and sanitizing every single surface in the room. The one nurse that didn't seem to be busy at the moment, moved towards Castle, intercepting him in the doorway.

"Hi," the short woman in pink scrubs greeted with a smile. "I'm Vanessa, and I'm going to be assisting Dr. Anders with the procedure today." A pause. "You must be Rick."

"Hi," Castle smiled. "Is it uhh… Is it okay if my daughter is in here with me during the procedure?" He almost hoped that the woman would say no so that Alexis didn't have to see it.

"Sure," Vanessa replied, "She'll probably need to wear a surgical gown and a mask just to make sure that she doesn't transfer any microbes to you, but it should be fine." Then she added. "In fact, it'll probably be good for you. From my own past experience, most patients need a good hand to hold during the procedure. It usually makes it a little more bearable." Castle swallowed, while silently thinking, 'How bad could it possibly be?'

"Vanessa," one of the other nurses spoke, "We're ready."

"Okay," she replied. "So… If you could do me a favor and just climb up on the table there," Vanessa indicated, "Then we'll get started." Castle nodded before slowly perching himself on the edge of the table. "Good," she smiled in a friendly manor.

Within minutes, he was lying down on the cold flat table in a highly sanitary procedure room. The temperature inside of the room was more akin to an ice box than a regular room, and the metal seemed to be even more chilling. Castle's body started to shake pretty violently and he wasn't sure if it was from nerves, or if it was just because he felt like he was freezing half to death.

"You okay?" Alexis asked worried from her place at his side, as one of the nurses, wrapped a blood pressure cuff around his left arm. Alexis' eyes darted to the nurse that was placing several leads on Castle's chest, so that they could monitor his heart rate during the procedure. As the final lead was secured into place, a beeping sounded in the room. Castle knew it to be his own heartbeat.

"Y-Yeah," Castle's teeth chattered, "J-Just a little cold. That's all." Castle's eyes darted to the door as the young brown-haired doctor came waltzing in.

"Sorry I'm late," he apologized sheepishly. "What do you say that we get things started?" Castle nodded. "Good." He stepped up to the table facing Castle's back. "Alright, Rick," he instructed, "I need you to pull up your knees to your chest and hold onto them tightly." Rick did as he was told. He followed the doctor's instructions and found that the methodology was pretty much the same. He knew the drill pretty well due to his experience with the bone marrow biopsy. Castle tried to remain as calm as possible. He was patient as Justin ripped open a packet of iodine and alcohol. He then used them to sterilize the large area of Castle's lower back, where his lumbar vertebra were located. Dr. Anders also cleaned off the area located on either side of the midline just to be safe. In this case, sterilization meant everything, especially because the CSF, or cerebral spinal fluid, contacts ventricles of the brain directly.

The alcohol felt so cool on Castle's skin that it seemed to burn. The liquid, along with the air in the room was ice cold and caused Rick to shiver involuntarily.

"Okay," Dr. Anders spoke calmly, "I've finished cleaning the surrounding area. Now I'm going to administer the local anesthetic." Castle remained completely still, hardly daring to breath. He squeezed his eyes shut for a brief moment before opening them again. He let out a tense breath, hoping he might be able to calm himself.

"Alright, so here comes the first poke," Justin commented, Castle felt the man's fingertips on his back. The young physician carefully palpated the spinous processes of each vertebra in Castle's lower back. Due to the amount of nerves that collected in the lower spine, it was imperative that he got the placement just right. "This is just to numb the area." A beat. "Then we'll give it ten minutes to set in, and we'll move on to the not so fun part."

"Okay," Castle choked out. Alexis held his hand in a vice grip. She looked like she was more nervous about this than Castle was. Castle sucked in a breath and held it, feeling unable to handle the tension. Dr. Anders, too, held his breath as he directed the needle to the appropriate location. With one hand hovering over Castle's lower back, and the other clasping the syringe, Dr. Anders carefully inserted the needle below the skin and injected the Lidocaine. Castle winced as he felt a sharp pinch, and an intense burning sensation. But it was quite brief. Just as soon as he felt it, it was gone again. Dr. Anders repeated it one more time, and then stepped back from the table.

"Okay. That's it for now," he announced. "I'll be back in a couple of minutes," the young man promised, walking from the room. The nurses and Alexis, who were clad in light blue sterile scrubs and aprons, stayed.

"How are you doing?" Alexis asked worriedly, her brow furrowing. Castle's heart swelled as he realized how adorable she looked in that moment. Sure, she was growing up, but parts of her reminded him of when she was young.

"Fine," Castle replied honestly. "Better than you anyways. You look like you're about to pass out and you haven't even seen the needle yet." Over the next few minutes, Castle tried to lighten the mood a little bit. He told a couple of jokes he thought that she would be able to appreciate. Alexis' head turned towards the door as the Doctor walked back in.

"How are you feeling?" Justin asked as a nurse helped him into a new surgical gown and a new pair of latex gloves.

"Pretty numb," Castle replied candidly.

"Numb is good," Dr. Anders replied. "At least in this case." He paused to check up on Castle's vitals. When the nurse, relayed the information, Dr. Anders stepped up to his place at Castle's back. "Okay," Justin spoke calmly. "I need you to try and get your knees as close to your chin as possible. It's important that you stretch out and curve your spine as much as possible to increase the space between your vertebrae." Castle did as he was told. A sweat built on his forehead and his muscles quivered a little bit under the exertion, but he held the position.

"Alright," he sighed, "Well, here comes the not so fun part. I need you to hold really still. I know that you've gone through a bone-marrow biopsy already, which is pretty similar. But for formalities sake, you're going to feel a lot of pressure. It shouldn't hurt. If it does, tell me immediately." Rick nodded. She saw Alexis' eyes go wide as her eyes fell over the needle in Dr. Anders' hand.

"Lexis," Castle spoke her name softly, and repeated it quickly in succession as he watched her pale considerably, "Alexis! Hey, honey, look at me." Alexis' eyes drifted to Castle's baby blue eyes. He watched her swallow over the obstacle in her throat uncomfortably.

"Alright, here we go," Justin, commented one last time. Castle gritted his teeth together, locking his jaw so as to not betray his own discomfort. He winced as he felt sudden pressure. Castle squeezed Alexis' hand harder as he felt Justin start to push the needle deep into his spine. It wasn't that it hurt exactly, just that it was extremely uncomfortable. Due to the thickness of the needle itself, and the thickness of dense matter that it had to go through, the needle was pushed in slowly, but with a lot of force. Castle could feel every push.

"Easy, pumpkin," Castle whispered, fearing he might pass out, "Hey. It's alright." Tears pooled in Alexis' eyes and he could tell that she was having a rough time watching.

"Have you seen the size of the needle?" Alexis' voice squeaked.

"No," Castle replied with a teasing amusement, "I was smart enough not to look at it." Rick took a shallow breath, then said, "It really doesn't hurt. I promise. The bone marrow biopsy hurt worse." Castle lied. He groaned as the needle finally broke through into the small space where the CSF is held. The ordeal was almost over. Castle squeezed his eyes shut again.

"Okay," Justin announced in an even, calm voice. "We're in. You're going to feel just a little bit more pressure, then it'll all be over." Castle breathed slowly and evenly, as Dr. Anders drew out some of his spinal fluid. He carefully started withdrawing the needle from his lower back. And finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the discomfort was lifted. He let out a sigh as his body relaxed.

"Alright," Dr. Anders breathed rather excitedly. "We're done. It's all over now." Castle took a deep breath. He too, was quite relieved. "You can release your legs now. Then I need you to stretch them out."

Castle's left arm released its hold on his legs and his legs dropped away from his chest. He stretched them, and wiggled his toes as Dr. Anders instructed. In the meantime, Dr. Anders quickly put a bandage over the area, to maintain pressure against the entry site. Alexis still held her hand tightly in his, but let go as the nurses rolled Castle flat onto his back.

"I'm going to get this down to the lab," Anders spoke as he hovered over Rick. He reached down to give Castle a little pat on the shoulder. "You're one hell of a trooper, Rick."

"Thanks," Castle forced a smile. "Thanks for everything."

"You shouldn't be thanking me for that," he joked. "You must be pretty easy going."

"Hah," Rick chuckled a little. "Well, I'm just glad it didn't hurt so…"

"Anytime," Dr. Anders replied seriously, giving Rick's shoulder one last pat before exiting.

Rick remained motionless on the table for another few minutes. They didn't want to move him until they were sure everything was in order. Rick stared at the ceiling. He barely felt Alexis' hand running up and down the inside of his forearm. It was meant to sooth him, and remind him that she was still there. Castle let out a sigh, and squeezed his eyes shut. Castle really did feel numb. Not only in a physical manner, but in an emotional sense as well. In fact, more often than not, Castle felt quite detached from what was happening to him. He figured that maybe, just maybe, it was the only way to get through some of the tests and procedures. So he stayed completely motionless for a few minutes longer with his eyes closed, just contemplating that very question. Was it better to feel, or feel nothing at all? He didn't want this experience to take away his humanity, but it hurt... it really hurt to feel anything. It felt like it might destroy him if he let it.

After he was cleared, a gurney was brought in and he was transferred to the bed. It was hard for him to move, but once he was on the gurney he realized it was worth it. The bed was much more comfortable. It was even sleep worthy.

* * *

><p>While Castle was asleep, Alexis found herself watching her father breathe in and out. He had always taken such good care of her, even during those rare occasions when she didn't want him to. And now there he was, looking brittle and exhausted, and it pained her heart more than she would have ever thought possible. Over the course of the day, she'd been forced to watch him get poked and prodded over and over and over again. It just didn't seem right to her, probably because it wasn't. Alexis felt lucky to have such a wonderful father. (The best one that anyone could ask for, in her opinion.) She wondered how on earth she was going to cope if things didn't turn out the way she hoped.<p>

"Hey, dear," Martha's delicate whisper had Alexis wiping away her tears. Martha sat down next to the young strawberry blonde. "I got you some hot chocolate."

"Thanks, Grams," Alexis accepted with a sniffle.

"You okay?" Martha asked worriedly.

"Yeah," Alexis replied, "I just… I need to step out for a minute."

"Okay," Martha replied. "You need me to come with you?"

"No," Alexis squeaked, her voice breaking slightly. "Someone should be here with Dad. I'll only be a minute."

* * *

><p>Alexis was in the bathroom, wiping frantically at her tears when her phone started to ring. Normally, she wouldn't have taken a call when she was so emotionally compromised, but once she saw the display, she couldn't ignore it. Somehow Kate had become like a best friend to her over the last year. It was an important relationship that Alexis kept close to her heart. She felt like she could count on Kate to always be there for her.<p>

"Hello?" Alexis answered in a broken voice.

"Hey," Kate spoke rather nervously, "It's Kate."

"Hey, Kate," Alexis replied rather breathlessly.

"I'm sorry to bother you," Kate apologized, "but your dad hasn't been answering his phone and I was starting to get worried."

"Oh," Alexis swallowed, her voice quavering. She tried to keep her voice even. She was afraid that Kate would know she was lying. Apparently, Alexis wasn't very good at calming herself, because her words came out sounding strangled and forced. "We're fine. Don't worry. I... I'm sorry. I guess my dad must have turned his phone off."

"Alexis?" Kate's voice immediately sounded worried. Alexis sounded upset and even though she was trying to hide it, Kate was far too observant to let it slip by. "Hey, is everything okay? It sounds like you're crying." Alexis let out another sniffle and closed her eyes.

"I'm fine," Alexis lied. Her voice breaking again.

"No you're not," Kate argued softly. "What's wrong?"

"It's just been a really long day," Alexis breathed honestly, "and I... I'm just tired." Alexis decided to leave it at that. Alexis closed her eyes, her breath hitching as she silently wished that Kate were there to give her a hug. She felt like she could really use a hug.

"Can I help?" Kate asked hopefully.

"I don't know," Alexis swallowed. Then. "No... I don't think so."

"Okay," Kate sounded sad, "Well, please let me know if there's anything I can do." A beat. "You know? I could stop by the loft if you like. I'm on my way home from work, and it wouldn't be too far out of my way."

"No," Alexis protested softly, not wanting Kate to arrive at an empty loft. She couldn't even remember if Castle had given Kate a key or not. "It's okay."

"Are you sure?" Kate asked again.

"Yeah," Alexis choked out, "We're actually still on our way home from the doctor's office." A small lie. She swallowed and cleared her throat roughly before adding more of an explanation.

She was torn about what to say. She knew her father wasn't ready to tell Kate about what was happening. And as much as she wanted to tell Kate, she knew that she couldn't. Kate deserved to hear it from Castle, and in person nonetheless. It certainly wouldn't be right to tell her over the phone. "Dad has some sort of flu bug." Another lie.

"Oh no," Kate's usually composed voice cracked with worry. "Is he okay?" Kate wished that Castle had let her take care of him.

Alexis closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Yeah," she managed, "I think so. He's just been really out of it. I think it's taking a lot out of him. He's having a really rough time."

"Okay," Kate sighed, wishing she could make him better. "Well, when he's up for visitors, could you let me know? I'd really like to stop by."

"Sure," Alexis swallowed. "i can do that."

"Good," Kate sounded slightly relieved, "Thanks, Alexis. Well, I won't keep you any longer, but feel free to call if you need anything, okay?"

"Yeah," Alexis replied in a strangled voice that sounded quite far away. "Hey, Kate?" she breathed as the idea occurred to her, "Do you think that maybe we could get some coffee together tomorrow?"

"I'd love to," Kate replied with honest enthusiasm. "I'll call when I have a break and we can meet up. I'll even come pick you up, if you'd like."

"Sounds good," Alexis spoke softly. "Thanks, Kate."

"Anytime," Kate replied with emotion. "Alexis, I hope you know that I really mean that." A beat. "I don't care if it's three o'clock in the morning. Please call me if you need anything!" Alexis nodded, but after realizing that Kate couldn't see her spoke aloud into the phone.

"I will," her lips twitched in a gentle smile. The young woman was grateful to have the detective in their lives. She only hoped that Kate was sincere about being there for her and Castle, because she had a feeling they would need the brunette a lot in the near future. "I'll talk to you later?"

"Sure thing," Kate replied. "Take care of your dad for me," she pleaded softly. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay," Alexis replied. "Night, Kate."

"Goodnight, hon," Kate replied. The line clicked dead and Alexis let out a deep sigh. She felt like an awful person for lying. Her dad wasn't okay. She wasn't okay. And she had a feeling that Kate wouldn't be okay when the truth finally came out. Still, the world continued to spin. As much as it felt like the end of the world, life didn't just stop when something like this happened. They had to make it through somehow.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: So that's part two. We heard from Kate a little more in this chapter. I know some of you are anxious for Castle and Beckett moments. I promise there will be some interaction between the two of them in the next chapter, but I can't necessarily promise that the truth will come out right away. I'll try to update as soon as possible! I really hope you like it so far. Please leave a little review on your way out! I appreciate all feedback. ***Insert the begging and groveling here!*_


	5. No One Knows

Title: **The World You Love**  
>Category: TV Shows » Castle<br>Author: caskettinacastle  
>Language: English, Rating: Rated: T<br>Genre: Drama

_**Chapter 5: No One Knows**_

_**Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe. This is just me writing for the heck of it. (I'm not making any profit from it. I promise!)**_

_**Spoilers: Through part of Season 4**_

_**Rating: (Not really sure what its going to be. For now, I'll rate it T!)**_

_**A/N: Okay, guys. I realize that you're probably about ready to hang me from the rafters, or come chase after me with pitchforks or something. I can't even remember how long it has been since the last update. Please let me just take a minute to say that I'm sorry it has taken me so long. I've been traveling back and forth over 1500 miles for the last couple weeks, so I haven't been able to write as much as I would have liked. I've finally finished the next chapter. To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. It's one of those chapters that I wish I had more time to edit, because I'm just not as happy with it as I am with the others. (You know what I mean?) I'm hoping that maybe you like it. I realize that sometimes I'm a little too hard on myself. **_

_**I really wanted to include a conversation between Kate and Alexis. I suppose a lot of you might argue that it is out of character for Alexis to intervene, but I can totally see it happening, especially if Alexis thinks that both Kate and Castle are too nervous to say anything themselves.**_

_**P.S. I'm still stunned by the reaction this story is getting. I know that it has kind of a unique storyline, but still, I'm grateful for all of the reviews and story alerts. So thank you guys for the support! I can't tell you guys how much it means to me. I realize that for some of those that are reading this, this story hits very close to home. I'm making you all a promise right now that I am going to do my absolute best to do this story justice. I'm constantly blown away by the strength and courage that I've seen people exhibit, not only the people who are fighting for their life, but their families too. **_

* * *

><p>Castle cringed as he heaved for the tenth time in an hour. His legs felt like jelly underneath him as he leaned over the porcelain bowl in his bathroom. He'd turned on the water, intending to take a shower when the nausea had hit him like a freight train. He could hear the creak of the pipes as the water made its way through them, spilling out onto the shower floor. He'd just pulled his shirt over his head when his stomach lurched and colors suddenly swirled in a dizzying pattern before his eyes. He'd barely had enough time to make it the five or six steps to the toilet before he started getting sick. Initially, he'd been worried about being found out, but luckily, the sound of the water seemed loud enough to drown out the sound of him retching. The last thing he wanted was for his mother or Alexis to have to listen to him get sick over and over again. It seemed like it went on forever. Just when he thought he'd finally got a grip on the nausea, where he could just swallow it back down and hold it, he'd lose it and start the whole ordeal over again.<p>

Castle groaned as his stomach and abdominal muscles, as well as the muscles in his back, were forced into contraction over and over again. A thin sheen of sweat collected over his bare torso under the strain. He could feel the excess heat coursing through his neck and cheeks as he felt the beginnings of a headache. It was the kind of headache he knew all too well. In his opinion, it was the worse kind; one that started as a drone in the back of your head before it slowly takes hold and slowly increases in intensity until it is a full fledged migraine.

The air in the bathroom seemed to grow cooler against his bare torso and shivers caused the muscles of his body into even more involuntary contractions. It just so happened that the skin at the nape of his neck felt each small wisp of the cool air caress the back of his neck. He wasn't quite sure if he liked the sensation or not.

Castle moaned in relief as his stomach muscles shifted into a state of relaxation, and he was given a brief respite. He silently braced himself, the muscles in his body tightening in intense anxiety. He was so sure that it was going to start all over again. He spent a long minute, completely frozen in his position on the bathroom floor. He hardly dared to breathe, but was surprised when he remained in his peaceful state. Castle's chest grew tight from a lack of fresh oxygen, and he could feel his mind crying out for air. Castle finally gave in, taking a deep breath in through his mouth. Nothing changed. Castle let out a sigh of relief, and then took one greedy labored breath and another, finally feeling the relief and calm wash over him. He closed his eyes, and reached out blindly for the handle. The toilet flushed, and Rick spit one final time into the swirling water, hoping to get rid of the unpleasant sour taste in his mouth. He swallowed dryly and winced, feeling the sharp and intense pain rip through it. It felt like a knife was lodged in his throat. He knew to expect the soreness that was caused by the damage the acid had done to the back of his throat, but that hardly helped. Castle shifted, leaning back enough to pull his quavering legs out from underneath him. He felt the familiar sensation of pins and needles that he knew was directly related to their previous bent state, and slowly stretched them out in an effort to remedy the unpleasant sensation. He swallowed thickly, watching as his legs trembled with weakness. Finally, he gave up and pulled them tight against his stomach, hoping to ease the radiating pain in his stomach and back. He was in pain, one that made his entire body feel like a dead weight, but instead of making him feel like sleeping, it simply made him feel restlessness.

He slowly rotated his body, propping his back against the wall while he tried to gather up enough strength to climb off of the floor. He sat there for several long minutes, watching the steam billow through the air around him. He reached for some toilet paper to wipe at the corner of his mouth and chucked it into the wastebasket. Slightly dizzy, Castle straightened up, wiping the back of his hand over his eyes to wipe away the salty perspiration that was stinging his eyes. He could only hope that he was finished with this part of the illness, as there wasn't anything left in his stomach to get rid of.

He glanced over to the mirror, wondering what sort of image would come back to him, but thankfully the mirror was already coated with a thin sheet of vapor, obscuring his reflection. He put his hand on the counter to stabilize him as she slipped out of his boxers and stepped out of them before picking them up from the floor. He tossed them into the hamper, and walked over to the shower, opening the glazed, slightly transparent door.

He stumbled into the shower, groaning as the warm water met his aching shoulders. He closed his eyes and leaned forwards, letting his forehead knock against the cool tile. It felt heavenly against his feverish skin. He already felt so tired that he thought he might go to sleep. He stood there for a long time, just letting the water wash over him as he silently wondered if this was just the beginning. He struggled to keep his breathing even. He felt completely miserable and knew there was nothing he could to remedy that. After he realized how much water he was wasting, he stepped back and reached for the shampoo bottle. He squeezed a bit into his hands and lathered up his hair. He left the shampoo in his hair and reached out for the body wash. He cleaned his body methodically, while his mind started working through all of the things he still needed to do. One thing stood out in his mind.

He had a week, maybe two, before they started treatment and he would be confined to one place for nearly six weeks. He knew he couldn't just disappear without telling Kate, and so, he knew that he had a week to find a way to put the words together. Ever since he'd gotten home the night before he couldn't seem to stop his racing thoughts. He'd been working out how to tell her, and was _still_ trying to come up with the words. He heard a knock on the door, and a voice attempted to speak over the din of the shower running.

"Dad?" Alexis' worried voice filtered in through the door. "Dad, you've been in there for nearly an hour. Are you all right?" Rick let out a sigh, closed his eyes as he stepped back under the flow of the now cool water, letting it rinse away the suds in his hair.

"I…I'm fine," Castle replied, his voice strangled and weak. It broke apart in the back of his throat, which was still irritated from getting sick. "I'll be right out," he tried again. This time his voice was a little stronger. He heard the dull thump of feet as they walked across the floor outside. He could hear only silence as he stepped out of the shower and onto the shaggy mat designed to collect the water that dripped from his body. He reached out for the towel and buried his face into the soft fabric. He reached up to ruffle his long hair, into a messy array of tangled strands, and then began to dry his body. When he was finished, he secured the towel around his waist. He wiped away the condensation from the mirror, picked up his comb, and set about trying to untangle his unruly hair.

Once he was finished, he spent the next five minutes scouring the awful taste from his mouth with a plethora of mint toothpaste and mouthwash. There was nothing worse than the taste of stale stomach juices.

In several minutes he was padding into his bedroom, pulling out a fresh pair of boxers from his dresser. He didn't feel like anything more than an undershirt and a pair of sweatpants, and so he dressed in those before stalking out into the kitchen to get some much needed water from the pitcher in the fridge. He'd just finished pouring himself a small glass when a knock sounded on the door. He looked around to find that Martha and Alexis were nowhere in sight, and took a swig of the ice cold water , moaning at how sweet it tasted to his parched lips and tongue. Another knock sounded, and he jumped when he heard Alexis' shout.

"Can someone get the door? I'm not ready yet!" Castle sighed, set the glass down on the granite countertop, and padded slowly over towards the door. In his mind, he figured it was Derek or some other friend of Alexis. It never occurred to him that it might be someone he knew. He was tired, and so he didn't bother with checking whom it was before he pulled the door open. He was in for quite a surprise. Castle swallowed thickly as his eyes met Kate's soft green-hazel eyes, and the shy smile that turned her lips up into a friendly smile. He swallowed again before trying to speak. He didn't exactly trust his voice at the moment.

"H-Hey," he managed to choke out finally. His voice sounded raspy to his own ears, but it was definitely audible enough to be heard. He felt a surge of feeling, his heart picking up its pace in his chest. It felt like it had been forever since he'd seen her, despite the fact that it had only been the day before yesterday.

"Hey," Kate reciprocated, looking adorable, as her smile grew wider. Castle's brows furrowed for a millisecond in confusion before he caught himself. He didn't want her to think that he wasn't happy to see her, and so he opened the door a little wider and stepped aside, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he stepped back.

"Come on in," he coaxed as he smiled warmly. She nodded gratefully and stepped inside. Castle quietly shut the door behind her. "So what brings you here?" he asked finally. "I wasn't expecting you," he said honestly.

"Yeah," Kate nodded. "You probably had no idea I was coming over, did you?" she asked softly. "Umm... Alexis and I have a coffee date." Castle's mouth fell open a little bit as his lips formed a circle.

"Oh," Castle swallowed nervously as he felt Kate's eyes raking over his body in a scrutinized gaze. "Yeah," he admitted, "This is uh... This is definitely the first I've heard about it." Castle felt a heat flood his body as he realized how he was dressed, and how he must look to Kate's eyes. He silently wished that he would have dressed in some actual clothes. Kate, however, seemed completely oblivious to his state of dress. She couldn't have cared less. She was just so happy to see him.

"So…" Kate nearly whispered uncomfortably, "How are you feeling? A little better I hope." Castle just stared at her, his mind working through the last conversation they'd had. He didn't remember ever telling her he was sick, not even in a loose sense.

"I… I uh…" Castle was struggling to come up with some sort of response.

"Alexis told me that you had the flu when I talked to her yesterday," Kate revealed finally after realizing he looked lost. "And not that I mean to sound overly critical, but you don't look well. You're really pale."

"Oh…uh," Castle closed his eyes for a second before opening them and meeting hers. "Yeah, it's been a rough couple of days. I've been a little bit under the weather, but I'm doing better now." Castle made a point of forcing a reassuring smile.

"Good," Kate smiled, exhibiting sure signs of relief. If only she knew just how far from the truth it was, she would have been feeling quite different. "That's good," she breathed. She met his eyes, deciding to speak her mind. "You could have just told me that you were sick, you know," Kate frowned sadly. "I wouldn't have held it against you for needing to leave. In fact, I would have liked to take care of you."

"Kate," Castle shook his head sadly. "Don't be ridiculous. That's not your job."

"Oh?" Kate's brows rose on her forehead, "And why not?"

"I just…I," Castle groaned, feeling as if he were trapped in the middle of a trick question. "You have enough to worry about with work and all. I don't want to cause you any more trouble than I usually do. It's just the flu." Another lie. Castle hated himself for going with Alexis' story. "I can deal with it."

"Rick," Kate sighed sadly as she stepped forwards, her hand moving up to caress his cheek. He closed his eyes, his whole body coming to life under her touch. It was amazing how much she could make him feel with a single touch. His heart swelled, and he savored the touch, leaning into her hand as it continued along the contours of his face and slipped into his still damp hair. He opened his eyes to find her impossibly closer, now only a breath away. "When are you going to realize that I care about you? Rick, I…I _want_ to take care of you."

"I don't want to get you sick," he choked out finally.

"I'm not afraid of getting sick," Kate breathed. "I don't know if you know this, but I happen to have an impeccable immune system."

"Still I..." Kate didn't let him finish his argument. She was tired of hearing excuses. She took advantage of her close position. Rick moaned as Kate's lips brushed against his, and suddenly it was like he was a completely different person. He felt like he was soaring. For just a moment, everything else was forgotten. All that mattered was standing right in front of him. He let her hands roam wherever they wished to go. She finally settled with one hand tangled in his hair, and the other slowly slid across his chest to settle over his heart. He closed his eyes, wanting to prolong the kiss. Internally, he fought that feeling. He couldn't kiss her back. He knew that the kiss didn't change anything. He was still sick. He still had cancer, and he couldn't let her get too close. It would only hurt her worse later on. Still, it felt like she had a healing touch. She made him forget. Castle decided to appreciate the moment, and let Kate decide just how far she wanted to take him with the kiss. She kept her mouth closed, but deepened the pressure. She pulled herself flush against him, surprised by the intense heat of his body. Kate moaned out loud as his hands settled on her hips, and held her against him. A slow burn started to work its way through her body. She nibbled a little on his bottom lip before finally pulling away in favor of some oxygen. When he opened his eyes Castle was surprised to see that she hadn't pulled away. Foreheads brushed together as eyes met in a gentle caress. Castle could see the warmth and devotion in Kate's usually shy gaze. Castle stared back for as long as he could, before closing his eyes again.

"You're really warm," Kate whispered.

"Mmm," Rick was suddenly quite exhausted.

"I said that you're really warm," Kate repeated a little louder. "I think you might have a fever or something." Castle was too busy listening to the sound of Kate's breathing, the feel of her warm breath ghosting across his cheek. She lifted her hand to his forehead, her eyebrows furrowing as she felt raging heat. Kate's sharp intake of breath told him she knew. "Castle, you're burning up."

Rick felt a surge of nausea and quickly pulled away. He stumbled as the world around him spun in an overwhelming array of colors.

"Rick?" Kate's eyes quickly took on a look of concern as she caught him. "Hey, what's wrong? You look like you're about to get sick."

"Sorry, I…I have to…" Castle quickly turned and ran. Kate felt her heart clench as his bedroom door slammed behind him and Kate was left standing in the foyer, completely torn about what to do. Her eyes darted to the door separating the two of them. She wanted to follow and make sure he was all right, but she got the feeling that he really didn't want her to coddle him. She stayed there for a few minutes, losing track of time as she let her mind focus on what had just happened.

* * *

><p>"Kate?" Kate jumped, her muscles tightening as the pressure of Alexis' hand on her forearm finally registered in her mind. Kate's eyes darted to the young woman with strawberry blonde hair.<p>

"Hey," Kate swallowed.

"Sorry if I startled you," Alexis apologized, "You must not have heard me call your name."

"Oh, no. I-I didn't," Kate shook her head. "Sorry."

"Sorry I wasn't quite ready when you got here," Alexis rambled, "Who let you in?"

"Your father," Kate replied distantly as she stared at the door. "Would you mind if I…I check on him a minute? I just want to make sure he's okay."

Alexis looked to her dad's bedroom door, which was shut. "I don't know," she mumbled softly. "I tried to take care of him earlier and he kind of snapped at me. I think that he doesn't really like to be babied when he's sick like this."

"Oh," Kate swallowed. "Okay, well, I…" Kate caught herself. "Let's get going then." Alexis nodded, leading them out the door. They made small talk on their way down, but Kate couldn't take her mind off of the look in Castle's eyes before he fled. Why was he so adamant about keeping her away? He hadn't even tried to kiss her back.

* * *

><p>Kate and Alexis wound up going to the rather small and quaint café that had become their hideout, and they both ordered their favorite. Alexis loved going to this particular café because they were the only place in the city that made a Caribbean Butter Rum Toffee Latte. It was sweet tasting, and even Kate had to admit that it was pretty darn incredible the first time she'd had it. In order to preserve some sense of normalcy, Kate ordered her usual latte and sat down at the small table for two by the book stacks that they usually sat at. They liked the table because it was away from the door, and it was also quieter than over by the counter. They both sat down, and at first, they avoiding looking at one another.<p>

They'd done this nearly a dozen times since Alexis had gotten back from school, and often had long conversations about the woes of school and boys. Kate even told Alexis some stories from when she was in school. Today, however, something seemed radically different. Alexis was there in body, but Kate wasn't necessarily sure that she was there in mind and spirit. Kate drummed her fingers anxiously on the tabletop as they waited for their drinks to arrive. She knew that they needed some sort of way to break the ice. However, when they did finally arrive, Alexis just used it as another excuse to avoid Kate's questioning eyes. Alexis, meanwhile, could feel Kate watching her, and analyzing her movements. Finally, Kate decided she was going to have to press Alexis for some kind of an explanation as to why she needed Kate. Kate's heart clenched painfully as she saw the tears building in Alexis' eyes as the beautiful young woman stared into her drink. She gathered up some courage and reached over the table, placing her hand over Alexis' shaking one. And finally, Alexis looked up and met her eyes for the first time.

"Oh, sweetie," Kate breathed softly as she gave it a squeeze. Alexis let out an embarrassed laugh and reached up to wipe away the beginnings of her tears. She didn't want to ruin her make-up, and was afraid of making a scene. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry," Alexis muttered while looking away. "I…I thought I could do this, but maybe, maybe I can't." Alexis shook her head.

"Take your time," Kate breathed as she retracted her hand carefully after giving it one last squeeze. "I'm right here, and I'm not leaving until you say whatever it is that you need to say."

"I'm such a mess," Alexis sighed before forcing herself to meet Kate's eyes.

"Alexis," Kate cleared her throat after taking a ginger sip of her own vanilla latte made with half the syrup. "We all have bad days."

"Yeah," Alexis hoped her smile looked genuine, because she had a feeling that it came across as more of a grimace. "I'm really sorry about last night. I've just been so worried about dad. If he would just let me take care of him…it would be so much easier, but he's fighting me on everything. I think you know… He's really difficult to begin with, even more so when he's sick. It's like he doesn't want anyone to see him when he's vulnerable. I had to fight against him, just so I could be there with him yesterday." Alexis let out a sigh.

"You really care about him, Alexis," Kate smiled. "You don't have to apologize for that." Alexis stared into her mug for a long moment as she struggled to come up with the strength to ask the question she knew she had to ask.

"Forgive me, if this is a bit too forward of me," Alexis breathed finally while meeting Kate's eyes again. She knew that the look in Kate's eyes would tell her everything she needed to know. "But do you love him?"

"Wow," Kate laughed nervously trying to ease the sudden tension that erupted with that single question, "Where did that come from?" Kate took a deep breath. "Alexis…" Kate swallowed thickly, not sure how to answer. "I really… really think that this is something that your father and I should talk about, but I really hope that you would know that…I care about your father very much."

"Kate," Alexis paused, not sure how much she was willing to pressure the older woman. Still, she knew that she had to say something. "My dad is probably one of the most selfless, genuine people that you'll ever meet. Sure, he has his moments, but when he loves someone, he…he loves them fiercely. He will do anything for that one person, even if it means risking his own life… even if it means causing himself unbearable pain." Kate felt her throat start to burn as Alexis' words struck a chord in her. She was hurting Rick, even though it was the last thing she ever wanted to do. She knew where this conversation was headed, and as much as she wished she could delay it, she knew that she needed to hear what Alexis was about to say. "Dad can be surprisingly patient. When my dad is sure about something, he will wait for as long as he needs to, even if it means that he… he'll never get the one thing he's waited for… for so long. He'll relinquish his own hold on happiness if he thinks that it means that he can spare someone from the pain…from the loss that he's already felt too much of during his own life. He won't ask for help when he needs it. He's…He's just too proud to do anything differently. Kate, if you…if you make him wait much longer, then you might lose your chance, and he might never get a chance to experience the love that he so very much deserves." Kate tried to listen carefully, and followed Alexis' every word. The message was profound, that much Kate knew. But still, she found herself getting lost. What was Alexis trying to say? Was she about to lose Rick for good? Had he found someone else?

"Alexis," Kate finally asked, "What do you mean? Are you saying that I might lose him? I…" Kate's voice started to tremble as she asked a question that she feared the answer to. "Is he seeing someone else?"

"No," Alexis shook her head. "I… I'm just saying that you need to decide what you truly want, and that you need to do it quickly. My dad has waited as long as he possibly can, but he doesn't have that liberty anymore. If you… If you want to try to build something with him, you need to tell him so." Alexis paused. "And god, I hate to say this, but it's not going to be easy. He'll fight you on it… In fact, he'll probably fight you on it so hard that you might start to question his feelings for you. Just…please… please have no doubt. I'm telling you now. My dad loves you Kate, _more than he has ever loved anyone, or will ever love anyone_." Kate stared at Alexis dumbly. "You need to talk to him. You can't wait. Not more than a week. Do you understand? He can't wait any longer than that."

"I… I don't understand. A week seems so…short." Kate breathed. "Alexis, I love your dad so very much, but it seems like every time I… I think I'm ready to tell him, something happens, something big that rips us apart again." Alexis could see the genuine warmth in Kate's eyes. She could tell that Kate was trying. Kate swallowed over the obstruction in her throat as tears built in her own eyes. Inside, Kate could feel something take residence deep in the pit of her stomach. Alexis wasn't telling her something. The young woman was withholding something important, but the overall message was clear. 'If you love him, you need to tell him now, or you're going to lose him completely.'

Kate's phone started buzzing. She let out a groan and ignored it. The phone finally stopped ringing and went to voicemail. Kate was determined not to acknowledge it. She promised Alexis she wouldn't leave until she'd said everything she needed to say.

"I understand," Kate said finally. "I understand what you're trying to say. And I…" Kate made eye contact her eyes holding Alexis' in a determined gaze. "Thank you." Alexis nodded. Kate felt like Alexis had done her a huge favor.

"There's something else," Alexis admitted finally. "Something a little more personal that I need to talk about." Kate nodded, silently encouraging the young woman to continue.

"When you were in school, and your mother was…" Alexis trailed off, her voice breaking. She couldn't do this. She couldn't make Kate relive her own loss for her own selfish reasons. "God, I'm sorry," Alexis shook her head. Kate's phone started to go off again. "I… can't do this to you." A beat. "You should answer it. It's probably important." Kate shook her head.

"No," Kate shook her head. "I can see that you really need to talk about something. Work can wait."

"I don't want to upset you," Alexis replied softly. "Kate, please. Let it go. It's all right. I'll figure things out myself."

"Alexis," Kate spoke in a reprimanding tone. "We agreed that we could talk about anything. _So shoot_. Please. It's just going to bother me otherwise._"_

"Okay," Alexis' voice quavered as she tore her eyes away briefly before meeting Kate's reassuring gaze again. "When you were in school, and everything fell apart after you lost your mother… How did you know what to do?" Alexis realized that it was a vague question. "How did you decide whether to stay in school?"

"I…" Kate stalled as she tried to come up with some sort of answer. "If I'm being completely honest, I _didn't_ _know_ what to do," Kate admitted. "I just felt so lost and… devastated. I think that I kind of made my way through things blindly for a while. I just… I did what felt right to me. I knew that my mother would have wanted me to continue on with school, and make something of my life, so I pushed on. I'd like to think that she's proud of me, of what I've become. I guess what I'm trying to say is… that you have to follow your heart. You have to do what is _right_ by _you_. Personally, I think that's the _best_ _thing_ _you_ _can_ _do_. I know that I am what I am today because I found that one thing that drives me and I went with it."

"You mean your mother?" Alexis asked gently, "Getting justice for her?"

"Yeah?" Kate nodded. "Why? Why do you ask?"

"I don't know," Alexis lied. "I… I've just been thinking about what I'm going to do if…" Alexis quickly caught herself. A rush of heat, and her face was colored a deep shade of red. She quickly tore her eyes away from Kate, silently kicking herself for coming so close to revealing the truth. Kate watched this all happen with a furrowed brow. She had a sense that Alexis nearly said something that she didn't want Kate to know, and that only frustrated Kate further. "I'm thinking about coming back home," Alexis quickly tried to cover up her last statement with this new admission.

"You mean you're thinking about leaving Oxford?" Kate asked in astonishment. She knew how hard Alexis had worked to get into the school. She also knew how important it had been for Alexis to get in. After things didn't work out for Alexis with Stanford, she'd rekindled her childhood dream of going to Oxford, and had put all of her effort into getting into the prestigious school. Alexis had gotten accepted, and came up with a way to make it work.

Kate was quite proud of the young woman. Alexis had finished her first year with a four point G.P.A. and had made onto the Dean's list. She was majoring in English and Literature, and Kate had read several of her book reviews. Alexis was quite an amazing writer actually. So amazing in fact, that Kate was starting to think that Alexis was more like her father than she'd ever imagined. "Why the change of heart?" Kate asked in an octave of her voice that she rarely used. "I… I thought that you loved it here. You seemed so happy!"

"I do love it," Alexis replied honestly, "Very much actually. It's just that something happened and I… I feel like I need to be _here_."

"Alexis," Kate sighed, leaning forwards. "A decision like that? Well, it's kind of a big decision to make. I think that maybe you should think about it for a while before you make such a big change, especially one that determines where you'll be for the next three or four years."

"I know. I'm trying to think objectively about the pros and cons, but I just… I feel so strongly about wanting to be here. I know how much it will kill me if something happens and I'm not here."

"What are you afraid is going to happen?" Kate felt confused all over again. "Alexis?" Alexis opened her mouth and then closed it again, breaking eye contact. It seemed like she was doing a lot of that lately. It's just that she wasn't sure how to reply. She was wondering how she could answer that question without giving something away.

"I'm afraid that my dad is going to feel like he's alone," Alexis remarked finally. "I'm afraid that he'll feel like he doesn't have the support he needs."

"Did he say something about feeling lonely?" Kate asked. "Because I… I've been trying really to hard to cheer him up, you know? And I thought I was doing a good job, but if I'm not, I can try harder."

"No," Alexis shook her head. "It's not you, Kate. That's not what I'm saying. It's just that…" _Buzz Buzz Buzz._

"Ugh," Kate groaned. "Again."

"Kate," Alexis sighed finally, pulling the phone out of Kate's hand, where she had been staring at it. "It's Lanie. You should really take it. It won't bother me. I promise." Kate nodded, took the phone back, and hit the receive button before lifting it to her ear.

Kate decided to forego the clipped voice she usually used when answering her phone, in favor of a friendlier sounding, "Hey Lanie." She usually answered it with a monotone, 'Beckett,' but on rare occasions she could surprise the caller. Alexis heard the garbled words of the M.E. but couldn't hear well enough to make any sense of them. Kate nodded several times and frowned. "Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't call you back sooner. It's just that I've been having an important talk with Alexis and I wanted to give her my full attention. Okay. I got it. I'll be there in 20. I've just got to drop Alexis off at the loft, and then I'll be over." Alexis opened her mouth to speak and then decided to close it again. She didn't want to interrupt Kate, figuring it would be rude, but Kate caught this, and asked, "Lanie, can you hold on a sec-?" before pulling the phone away from her ear and covering it with a hand over the receiver.

"Sorry," Alexis mumbled, "I was just going to say that I could take a taxi. That way you don't have to worry about bringing me home."

"Nonsense," Kate said resolutely as if there were no room for argument. "I'll take you back, but we should probably get going." Alexis nodded. She watched as Kate brought the phone back to her ear. "Sorry, Lanie," she apologized. "Yeah, I know. I've been doing that a lot lately." Another pause. "Oh, no. Castle won't be coming. He has the flu. Okay. See you soon. Bye." Kate ended the call and slipped the phone into her pocket as she stood up. Alexis was already on her feet. Both of their cups were still nearly full, but it was too hot outside for them to take them on the go. In the cool air conditioning, it was acceptable, but in the baking heat outside it would just be overkill. Kate left a small tip for the busboy, and together they headed for the door. They slipped outside and walked briskly over to Kate's awaiting cruiser.

"Did I get you in trouble?" Alexis asked as they merged into traffic and made a quick right onto the next street.

"No. Not at all," Kate replied. She could see that Alexis didn't really believe her. "Hey, I mean it. I promised you a long time ago that I was going to be there for you and your dad, and I meant it. Alexis, please. You can't think of yourself as an inconvenience. As much as I love your dad, I…I care about you too." Alexis smiled, grateful that Kate could admit to her feelings so easily. Now, all that was left was for Kate to tell her father that too.

Kate pulled up in front of Castle's building and pulled up to the curb. She came to a stop and Alexis turned back around to face Kate as she thanked her one last time.

"It's no problem," Kate smiled. "I'm sorry I can't stay, but I'll try and stop by later after work. Let me know if your dad needs anything. You know what? Maybe I'll surprise him and bring him some soup from that place he likes."

"You mean Russ' deli?" Alexis asked.

"Yeah," Kate smiled. "That's the place. You wouldn't happen to have their phone number memorized, would you?" Kate teased. Alexis looked bewildered for a moment and Kate laughed.

"I was just kidding," Kate said finally, with a wide smile.

"Oh," Alexis laughed too. "Okay."

"Take care of your dad for me," Kate said as Alexis closed the door. The window was still opened in order to allow the car to vent. The air conditioner in her unmarked car wasn't working and she'd been too busy lately to get it fixed.

"Of course," Alexis nodded. "Good luck on your new case." Kate nodded. Alexis finally turned away and marched up the stairs before offering a smile to the kind doorman. Kate stared after her a minute before she shook herself out of the daze she was in. She glanced at the clock and groaned, she needed to make it across town in thirteen minutes. It wasn't going to happen, not by a long shot, and she knew that Lanie was already mad at her for ignoring the first call.

* * *

><p>When Alexis made her way into the apartment to see her dad sprawled out on the couch waiting for her, she knew he was worried she'd given him away.<p>

"Hey," Alexis smiled as walked over and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey," he replied sleepily. "You have a good time with Kate?"

"Yeah," Alexis nodded. "She's a great friend. She really umm… helped me think through some things."

"Oh," Castle swallowed. "You… You didn't say anything about…did you?" Castle let his anxious voice trail off; hoping Alexis would fill in the rest.

"About you being sick with _Cancer_?" Alexis' voice stressed the last word with certain abhorrence. "No." Castle nodded. "Dad…"

"Look," he sighed as he pushed himself up into a seated position. "I already know what you're going to say. I'll deal with it myself, okay?" Alexis looked at him with a look of exasperation, almost as if she didn't believe him. "I will," he punctuated again. "And until then I would appreciate it if you stopped looking at me like that."

Alexis bit down on her tongue, seeing the distressed look in her father's eyes. "You told her I had the flu?" he sounded upset.

"I…I didn't know what else to say," Alexis said defensively. "She's worried about you, and she's not going to stop. Believe me when I say that the longer you drag this out, the harder it is going to be on the both of you…" Then. "Fine. I can tell you don't want my advice. I'm going to my room." Castle let out a sigh, watching as Alexis cast one last look at him and then rushed for the stairs. His head sank down into his hands as he closed his eyes. He knew she was right, and that only seemed to upset him further.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: We're getting closer to the moment I know you've all been waiting for! I know some of you were probably expecting it to happen in this chapter. Sorry if you were disappointed. It's just that it didn't feel right for me to do it just yet. In order to soften the blow a little bit, I did include a moment between the two of them. Perhaps you're a little confused about the state of their relationship. At this point, I feel the need to explain. Kate and Rick are very close, but they've never made things between them exclusive. It's still kind of a lukewarm relationship. They both love and care about each other, they've just been too afraid to commit to one another. That will change soon! I promise! (Should be in the next chapter or two.)**_


	6. Author's Note

Author's note:

Hello, everyone! Please let me just say that I am so so sorry that it has taken me this long to post a note for this story. I know that a lot of you are wondering if I plan on finishing this story, or are wondering when I'm going to post a new chapter. I want to ensure you all that I have every intention of updating and continuing with the story. I also plan on finishing said story. It's just that as of the last few weeks life got in the way. Without going into too much detail and without getting too personal, I feel the need to inform you all that I have a chronic autoimmune disorder that can turn my life upside down every so often. I was in the hospital for nearly fourteen days (I think it was actually 13, but it felt like an eternity), and was only just released a few days ago. Now I'm back at home, but the transition is really difficult this time around. I've spent a lot of the last few days in bed. I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to make excuses, I just wanted to let you guys know what's going on and why I've been MIA for the past month. I promise I will try to update the story in a couple days. I'm already three quarters of the way through it, but I want to leave myself a fair amount of time for editing the content too. I'm hoping that I haven't lost all of my followers. I would appreciate it if people let me know whether or not they're still on board for the story. Knowing that people are still interested will help me motivate myself to write. Thanks again to my followers for being so wonderful! You guys truly rock!

Sincerely,

Caskettinacastle (Katie)


	7. Breaking Your Own Heart

Title: **The World You Love**  
>Category: TV Shows » Castle<br>Author: caskettinacastle  
>Language: English, Rating: Rated: T<br>Genre: Drama

_**Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe. This is just me writing for the heck of it. (I'm not making any profit from it. I promise!)**_

_**Spoilers: Through part of Season 4**_

_**Rating: (Not really sure what its going to be. For now, I'll rate it T!)**_

_**Chapter 6: Breaking Your Own Heart**_

_**A/N: Hello everyone! First of all I just wanted to thank you for your patience, and your well wishes! I can't tell you how much it meant to me! You guys are truly awesome, and I'm so happy that I get to share this with you. I'm doing a little better, but I still have a lot of rough days that make life a bit of a struggle. Fortunately, I've been able to spend some more time writing and editing. Part of the reason that I've taken so long to post, is because I've gone back and forth a lot on the two chapters I've written, but frankly I think I've waited long enough. I'm sorry for taking so long and I really hope that you guys like it! The good news is that I have two really long chapters for you, and that I'm going to post back to back. (They should both be up tonight).**_

* * *

><p><em>(This chapter picks up a couple days after the last chapter.)<em>

"Hey!" Esposito greeted in a sort of catcall as Castle waltzed into the squad room, with two coffees clutched in his hands. "Look who it is!" A smile tugged at the corner of Esposito's lips as he swiveled around in his chair, watching Castle approach Kate's desk with a couple of coffees in hand. The greeting itself could have made Castle feel as if he was doing some sort of walk of shame, but he could hear the warmth in Esposito's words. "And here I was, starting to think you weren't coming back."

Kevin Ryan could hear the underlying happiness lacing his partner's tone and new it could only be one person. Esposito played it cool, but he could tell that Esposito respected Castle and considered him to be a good friend. Ryan looked up from the file he was scanning.

"Well," Castle bit back in a slightly impudent and sarcastic manner, "Forgive me for not wanting to contaminate the precinct with germs."

"I for one am grateful for your thoughtfulness," Ryan interjected.

"Thank you," Castle replied as he met the younger man's blue eyes and gave a nod of appreciation. He felt his point had been made. A smile slipped onto his face as he realized just how much he'd missed being at the precinct. He'd only been away for a few days, but it felt like he'd been gone for weeks. Castle didn't know how he was supposed to spend the next several months away from the place that had become, in every sense of the word, a second home to him.

Castle gingerly set the coffee down on Kate's desk, taking extra care to make sure that he didn't drop or spill it, and then swiveled around. He gave a small wave of his hand as he doubled back to where Esposito and Ryan's desk. Their desks were a few strides closer to the elevator.

"So," Castle smiled, "You guys miss me?"

"You know it," Ryan replied, "Kate told us you were ill." He took a long look at Castle, noting that the author looked a little paler than usual. "You feeling any better?"

"Much," Castle replied with a smile. "Thank you." Castle noticed that Ryan's eyes kept darting to the coffee clutched in Castle's hand every couple seconds. The young blonde detective cocked his head to the side as he eyed it longingly. For some reason, Castle couldn't help but think that Ryan was looking at the coffee in his hands as ravenously as the tiger had been looking at him and Beckett. Castle nearly laughed out loud as Kevin subconsciously licked his lips. Castle decided to make a game of it and started waving it around, enjoying the way Ryan's eyes followed it around.

"You alright, detective?" Castle asked finally as he realized. "You look a little… I don't know. Distracted?"

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "It's just that… I am dying for some coffee and the espresso machine isn't working. Are you going to drink that?" the detective asked softly while eyeing the cup in Castle's hand. Castle could tell that Ryan was only joking, but the thought was enticing. Castle looked down at the cup in his hand and stared at it longingly. It had been days since he'd had coffee of any sort and he missed it so. He swallowed thickly as he contemplated whether or not he should drink it. With all of the vomiting he'd experienced in the past few days, he decided that it was probably a bad idea. He was clearly still pretty dehydrated, and he knew that the caffeine contained in the latte in his hands probably wouldn't help matters. In fact, Castle had been trying to talk himself out of it since he walked into the small café where he usually got his and Kate's coffees every morning, but the barista knew his order by heart, and Castle couldn't bring himself to change things up on the guy.

"Uh, heck. Sure, why not?" Castle replied as he held it out for Ryan. Ryan hesitated, his arm stopping only a couple inches shy of the cup.

"Are you serious?" Ryan asked, skeptically, his eyebrows rising high on his forehead. "I can have it?"

"Yeah," Castle replied gruffly, while adding a smile to offset the tone of his own bitterness. "I thought I was ready for coffee, but my stomach is still a bit…" Castle let his voice trail off. "Hey, are you going to take it, or what?" Ryan plucked the coffee from Castle's hand. Esposito looked up and saw this.

"What?" he squeaked. "You gave him your coffee? Why don't I get coffee?"

"Well, for one… you never asked," Castle, laughed. Esposito shook his head.

"So where's Kate?" Castle asked as he looked around the bullpen.

"She ran down for a quick chat with Lanie," Esposito replied, "She said she needed to clarify a couple of things about the body we found last night." He winced a little as he spoke Lanie's name and Castle felt a pang of sympathy for the detective. He knew that Esposito and Lanie deeply cared for one another, but both were too proud to admit just how much they needed one another. Castle could relate to that. His relationship with Kate was often alluded to in subtext, but was never talked about directly.

Castle looked up as Kate strode into the bullpen, though she was looking down at the file in her hands. Castle's breath hitched in his throat as his eyes danced over her body. He was always knocked breathless by the sight of her. Today, she was particularly gorgeous. Her hair was down and Castle's heart started to beat a little faster in his chest as he observed the way in which her long, wavy brown hair fell loosely over her shoulders. She was wearing make-up, but she went for a much subtler look than usual. His eyes focused on her light pink lips and the way that they were moving.

She was muttering something to herself under her breath, and Castle found it absolutely adorable. Kate did that sometimes, when she was working a case and Castle knew it was a way for her to eliminate certain possibilities one by one. He waited on baited breath for her to look up and meet his eyes. His lips twitched into a smile as he saw her look up to meet Esposito's eyes. The Hispanic detective flicked his head to the side, and her eyes followed the indicated pathway before falling onto Castle. It was then that Kate's pink lips curled into an involuntary beaming smile.

"Hey!" she greeted warmly. "You're back!"

"Hey," Castle smiled. "I'm back," he confirmed.

"You look good," Kate breathed as she approached.

"Uh, thanks," Castle replied with a boyish smile, and a bit of a blush.

"I mean… What I meant to say is that you look better," Kate stuttered. "You look better." She briefly saw the cup clutched in Ryan's hand and her eyes automatically darted to her desk. She gazed hopefully. "You brought me coffee?" Esposito grumbled something under his breath about 'not getting any coffee', but Rick was a bit too preoccupied by the brunette in front of him. Kate quickly sprang up onto her tippy toes, placing a chaste kiss to Castle's cheek. A shiver shot down his spine as she whispered in his ear. "You're the best! Thank you."

"I figured I owed you something after you brought me that soup two days ago," Castle replied while giving her a peck on the cheek, himself. "It was absolutely heavenly. You have no idea."

"It was nothing," Kate tried to belittle her kindness. Castle just shook his head.

"No it wasn't," Castle whispered in her ear. "It was really sweet of you." Kate stopped breathing. She could feel the warmth of his body. He was so close to her. Kate felt a heat start to build in her own body as she recalled her dream from the night before.

"So do you two want some privacy, or…" Esposito badgered from over at his desk. " Or do you two not mind the idea of making out in the middle of the squad room while the rest of us watch?"

"Shut up, Esposito," Kate glared, but there was too much warmth in her eyes for him to take her seriously.

"What?" he shrugged. "It's all very sweet! But it's also very nauseating to watch you two. Seriously, you guys should just get married and spare us from the rest of it." Esposito's eyes flickered to Castle's face and the red flush that was now coloring his otherwise pale complexion. Castle gave Kate a shy smile and plopped down into the chair at the side of her desk.

"So…" Castle muttered casually, as if nothing whatsoever had happened. "What have I missed?"

"A lot," Kate replied simply. "Unfortunately, since you've been gone the murderers have all seemingly come back from their vacation. We have three new cases in addition to the one young girl you saw."

"Three?" Castle flinched. "Ouch. And here I was, thinking that things had slowed down a little bit. Can I look at the files?"

"Sure," Kate picked up the folders piled on the corner of her desk, and slid them slowly towards him, "Have at it."

Castle picked up the first one and started reading. By lunch time, he was finished with the reading and considered himself caught up on the several open cases. He set the last file down on Kate's desk and leant forwards, His eyes hurt from reading and he felt the beginnings of a headache in the back of his head. He let out a deep sigh and straightened up a little. He immediately felt Kate's eyes on him and reached up to rub at the lines on his forehead.

"Are you okay?" Kate asked worriedly.

"I'm good," Castle offered with a reassuring smile. "I've just got a little bit of a headache." Then "Three separate murders. It seems like a lot to process."

"It is," Kate agreed.

His phone chose that moment to start ringing. Kate groaned. "Is that my phone or yours?" she asked as she started pushing papers around her desk, trying to find the source of the buzzing. Kate finally uncovered Castle's phone, which had been buried underneath a few loose papers. Castle's heart skipped a beat as he saw the display. He reached for it, but then he hesitated. His phone stopped ringing, and he looked away. He resorted to staring into the grains of the carpet at his feet. "Castle?" the pressure of Kate's touch against his arm had him shaking his head. "Hey, are you okay?" Kate's voice was soft, but he could hear the worry in it.

In the meantime, his phone started buzzing again, and this time he reached for it involuntarily. He took a moment to glance at the display. "It's just the doctor's office calling me back." he replied softly.

"Is it serious?" Kate asked.

"No," he lied quickly. "Not all at. I… I called them yesterday because I was concerned that I wasn't getting any better. They're probably just returning my call." Castle explained. "I'll be back," he muttered calmly as he stood up and quickly walked out of the room. Kate stared after him, wondering why he looked so upset if it was merely "nothing" as he claimed. She shivered involuntarily as she let her imagination run wild.

"Hello?" Castle greeted as he walked briskly towards the stairwell and climbed up a flight of stairs as he tried to get a good signal. The phone kept cutting in and out, so he climbed higher. Finally, Castle burst through the reinforced steel door to the roof, and propped it open with a heavy bucket before striding across the flat rooftop. He could hear all of the sounds of the city below, and see the buildings cover the horizon in every direction it seemed. He suddenly felt dwarfed by the universe.

"Richard?" Dr. Anders greeted softly. The voice brought Castle quickly back to the present.

"Dr. Anders. Hello," Castle greeted, trying to keep his tone friendly, or at the very least, neutral. "Please. Call me Rick. Richard is just too…formal."

"Okay. Good morning, Rick," Dr. Anders greeted again, "How are you feeling?"

"Alright," Castle muttered, "Although, the nausea has been intensifying over the last few days."

"Oh, I see." Dr. Anders replied, "Well, that's to be expected. Still, it's not good." Then. "If you'd like, I can call in some nausea medicine for you to your pharmacy."

"That would be very much appreciated," Castle breathed. "Thank you."

"I'm sorry to call you at such an inconvenient time," Dr. Anders apologized, "I really hope I didn't interrupt something important."

"No," Castle shook his head, "Not at all." Castle swallowed, "Actually, I was hoping that I could talk to you about something."

"Of course," Dr. Anders replied.

"I've been thinking a lot over the last few days, and I've decided that that I would like to keep my diagnosis and treatment undisclosed for the time being," Castle swallowed, "At least until I'm comfortable enough to make a statement to the public." Then. "I don't want to worry my readers, my esteemed friends, and my colleagues."

"I completely understand those wishes, Richard," Dr. Anders responded amenably, "And you have my word. Would you like to be treated under another name? Your birth-name perhaps?"

"Yes," Castle replied. "That would be sufficient. My birth name is Richard Alexander Rodgers."

"Okay," Dr. Anders replied. "So," the doctor sighed. "You're probably wondering why I'm calling."

"The thought had crossed my mind," Rick replied. "But to be honest? I was kind of expecting you would call at some point during the next few days. I was hoping that the test results have come back."

"Ah. That is precisely why I'm calling," Dr. Anders replied calmly.

"And?" Castle breathed anxiously as he paced back and forth on the landing.

"I was wondering if you could make it in for an appointment early tomorrow morning," Dr. Anders replied evenly. "Especially since the treatment plan I have will require some input from you. I want to be able to answer all of your questions and concerns, and that is much more easily done in person."

"I understand," Castle replied calmly. "When were you thinking? You must be a lot busier than I am."

"I could squeeze you in early. Say 8'o clock?" Dr. Anders replied with an inflection in his voice.

"That sounds great," Castle replied. "I will be there."

"Good to hear," he replied. "Well, you have a good day. I will see you tomorrow."

"You too," Castle replied. "Thanks."

He stood there for a long few moments, just breathing. In. Out. In. Out. It was fine. Dr. Anders didn't sound as if it were particularly urgent, which he took as a good sign.

Castle calmed himself enough and walked to the edge of the roof, looking down over everyone below. He swallowed thickly, nearly choking on the air in his lungs as he saw Kate's small form canter down the steps in front of the precinct. She was clearly looking for someone, probably him. He looked down at his watch and mumbled in surprise as he realized nearly twenty minutes had gone by.

Kate burst through the main doors, letting out a frustrated sigh as her head whipped back and forth. She could have sworn Castle had headed for the stairwell. The echo of the door closing in the stairwell had thrown her off. She turned to an officer from burglary that she recognized and asked. "Hey, did you see Castle come through here at all?"

"No, detective," he replied. "Sorry." Kate took one last glance around her, and then retreated back into the building. Castle saw this with a forlorn sigh. With a pang he realized, that now, more than ever he needed to tell her. And he was determined to do it. Tonight.

As he walked back down the stairs, his heart seemed to be stuck in his throat. Kate was waiting for him just inside the door leading to stairwell, holding something in her hand. He noticed that she impatient and distracted at the same time. She swiveled slightly as she heard his footsteps clatter on the landing above, and upon confirming his identity hopped up to a standing position.

"Where have you been?" Kate spoke gruffly. "I've been looking for you."

"I went up to the roof so that I could get better reception," Castle replied, though he knew she had probably drawn that conclusion already. His real goal had been to get some privacy, as he didn't want anybody to overhear his conversation and draw conclusions about it. After all, she was a detective. "And I lost track of time."

Kate was about to give him a thorough chewing out when her phone rang. The roof was _supposed_ to be off limits, but she knew that nobody obeyed that rule. She was just angry because she'd gone the wrong way. If she hadn't, she might have been able to figure out just what the hell was going on with her partner.

"Beckett," Kate greeted impatiently. He heard a voice on the other end of the phone, but he couldn't hear what was being said. A pause. Then. "Where?"

"Okay," Kate groaned, "Thanks Bryce." She hung up and looked at Castle as if weighing something in her mind for a moment. Then she reached out and took his hand. "Come on," she coaxed finally, and then, as he remained immobile, "Lily's boyfriend just popped up. He's been missing since her body turned up."

"Really?" Castle replied as if she had his complete attention.

"Do you remember anything at all about that case?" Kate asked in frustration. Castle opened his mouth to reply, but Kate held up her hand. "You know what? Don't answer that." She groaned. "You can look over the case-file while I'm driving."

"Who found him?" Castle finally got a word in edgewise.

"A C.I." Kate replied. "I put out a BOLO and APB on him when I couldn't find him, but I didn't get any hits. I figured that maybe he must be closer than I thought, so I asked some people I know to keep a lookout for me. I never would have expected that he'd turn up so close to home, but I'll take what I can get. I'm about to go pick him up so we can interview him. And It should make for a fairly interesting interview if you ask me." Castle nodded.

"So… are you coming with me, or what?" Kate asked finally with a piercing look. Castle nodded again. A satisfactory smile forced its way onto Kate's lips as she pulled him through the door and walked briskly through the squad room. She hollered briefly to Ryan and Esposito to tell them where they were going, while Castle pulled the file from Kate's desk and went running after her, catching up with her at the elevator. It figured that it was the only case that he wasn't completely up to date with.

* * *

><p>He slid into the passenger side and immediately cranked down the window. The air conditioner in Kate's cruiser was unable to keep up with the blazing summer heat. The sun wasn't very far over the horizon, but the air was already thick with smog and intense heat.<p>

"So," Kate exhaled as she tried to come up with something to break the silence. Kate spoke, as she looked over at him after stopping at a red light. "I never really asked you… Are you feeling better?"

"A little," Castle replied vaguely. Castle swallowed thickly over the sudden obstruction in his throat.

"Only a little?" Kate inquired. "You know, if you're still not feeling well, you should probably be taking it easy."

"Ugh," Castle groaned, "Resting? That's all I've done for the past few days. And let me tell you… it felt like I was going insane. I just had to get out of the loft for a little while."

"Okay," Kate nodded in understanding. "Well, I'm glad that you're back." Castle nodded, but Kate could tell that something else had already stolen his attention. Kate let the silence build for a minute, but quickly decided that the lack of noise was driving her crazy.

Castle hummed through closed lips as his eyes darted around the cruiser. His arm hung out the window as they got stuck in some late morning traffic. Kate let out a deep sigh.

"What is it?" Castle asked finally, as he gave her a worried glance.

"You've gone quiet again," Kate stated softly as he turned and met her eyes.

"It's nothing," Castle replied calmly as he tore his eyes away and in turn started gazing out the window.

"It's not nothing," Kate argued. "Castle," Kate nearly growled. "Don't ask me how, because I'm not sure I can explain it. But I know that something is wrong. Something is clearly bothering you, and I'm not going to be able to help, if you don't tell me what it is."

"It's personal," Castle finally decided to play his card. "As I've said before… When I'm ready to talk about it, I will. So…umm… Just let it go, okay?"

"No," Kate refused. "I won't. Because it's killing me inside. I…I just want to help. So please. Give me something…anything. I don't care what it is."

"I can't," Castle shook his head. "I couldn't explain the things that are going on in my own head right now."

"Try me," Kate challenged.

"Can I… Can I ask you a question?" Castle requested softly, though he was anxious.

"At this point?" Kate sighed. "I'll take anything." Kate's lips twitched as she realized just how true that really was. "So, sure. Go ahead. Ask away."

"Do you want kids?" Rick asked finally as he quickly swiveled around. He was still buckled in, but he angled his body slightly so that he was facing her a lot more than he would be if he were just facing forwards. His neck and shoulders were sore, so he didn't want to have to turn his head. Castle also wanted to see her reaction to the question, because he knew that her eyes and facial expression would probably be considerably honest. They would certainly be a little more honest than her worded reply. He could see a look of surprise flash across her delicate features. It was obvious she hadn't been expecting that question. Not in a million years. He could see her mouth open a fraction, before she closed it again. She looked away for a long moment as she tried to form a reply. He frowned as he realized he couldn't see her face.

The light turned green, but Kate Beckett was oblivious to her surroundings. Her eyes darted around at her surroundings, but she didn't see anything. It was as if she were seeing without seeing. It wasn't until the car behind them honked impatiently that she was jolted out of her own thoughts. She applied pressure to the gas and the car slid forwards. The engine revved as it shifted from gear to gear. Kate swallowed over the obstruction in her throat. For a long moment, Castle was sure that Kate had opted not to answer, but then the beautiful brunette detective surprised him.

"Why are you asking?" Kate asked finally, wanting to know the reason for the question. She supposed it didn't really matter why Castle was asking the question. The fact was, she'd walked right into it. She almost wished she hadn't pressured him into speaking. Yet, at the same time, she was grateful, because it was something she often thought about as the years passed.

"No reason," Castle shook his head. "I was just sort of wondering." He swallowed over the dryness in his throat, and quickly experienced a pang of fear. Castle also felt guilt. He felt as if he was lying to her, mainly because he had omitted the true reason he was asking. "Look, I… I'm really sorry if I crossed some sort line that's between us. I understand that it's a pretty personal thing to ask, and, I… I don't want to make you uncomfortable." Castle inwardly kicked himself as he heard the words out loud. Great. He was rambling now, fumbling over the words. His mother had once told him that he was terrible at coming up with the right words to express himself when it really counted. And now, he realized that he was probably going to scare her away. Castle took a deep breath and turned so that he was facing forward again. "You know what?" Castle's voice cracked again. "Forget it." Then. "You don't have to answer."

"No," Kate shook her head. "It's all right. I… It's weird, but I… I kind of want to."

"Kate," Castle pleaded softly, but to no avail.

"You see. The truth is? I do want kids," she replied with a soft and wistful smile. "By that, I mean to say that I want them someday. I… I'd love to have a little girl." In her mind's eye she couldn't help but picture a daughter with piercing blue eyes, and curly hair. She would never admit this to Castle in a million years, but it seemed like the thought of having a family had been crossing her mind more and more frequently lately. "I mean… I'm not ready for something like that now, because my job is simply way too demanding to do it now. But yeah, I'd definitely like to have a family someday."

Castle closed his eyes as his heart clenched painfully in his chest. He wasn't sure if he was elated, or disheartened by Kate's response. She wanted a family someday. Some day. Perhaps a day in the distant future that he wasn't even sure would include him. Castle's eyes fluttered open again, and out of the periphery of his eyes, Rick could see that Kate was watching him.

"Why do you think that you've crossed some sort of line?" Kate asked as her brow wrinkled in confusion. "We're close. You should be able to ask me anything."

"Well," Castle swallowed, "We're… Okay, to be honest? I don't know what we are, but it feels like it's out of bounds for me to ask you something like that." He paused to take a deep breath. "At this point, I'm just glad that I haven't upset you."

"Rick," Kate turned to look at him. Her rich brown eyes were suddenly regarding him in a piercing look. "Do you mean to tell me that you honestly don't have a definition for what we are?" Kate asked him softly.

"Well," Castle groaned, deciding to take the honest route. "No. Umm… Not really." He decided to turn the question around. He desperately wanted to know what Kate thought of their relationship. We're they friends? More? They had both admitted that their feelings were stronger than a simple friendship, but even so, they'd never become exclusive. "Do you?" he choked out nervously as a thin sheen of sweat started to build on his forehead.

"Oh…!" Kate couldn't hide the look of hurt in her eyes. "Well," she swallowed, "I supposed that if I uh… If I had to give some sort of definition of what we are, I would say that… we're dating." She took a deep, nervous breath. "Castle, I… I know that I can be a bit difficult, but I want you to know that I care about you." Kate struggled not to give up too much of herself. Castle nodded, grateful for the sincerity with which she'd spoken those words.

"So we're dating then," Castle stated with a boyish smile. "I…I uhh like the sound of that." Kate smiled in return.

"So… Umm…" Castle's palms started to sweat as he thought about what it meant. It meant that she had a right to know. Officially. He wiped his hands nervously on his pants. "Would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?"

"Wha?" Kate exclaimed in surprise. "Are… Are you asking me out on a date?" Kate asked with a twinkle in her eye.

"Well," Castle cleared his throat, as his eyes held a glint of their own. "You did say that we're dating. I'm just trying to preserve the status of our relationship. It has been a while since I've taken you out, and I would really love to take you out to a nice dinner so that I can spoil you in every way possible."

"I accept," Kate replied coolly while trying to hide the smile that was threatening to expose her own elation. This time, however, she couldn't hide her feelings. "I would love to go to dinner with you."

"Great!" Castle replied as he too tried to contain his own happiness. For a moment, he forgot about why he was really doing this, but then he forced himself to just enjoy the moment.

"Hey," Castle breathed as a thought suddenly occurred to him. The hospital was a few blocks down the street from where they were. He glanced over to where Kate was sitting. "Do you think you could do me a favor?"

"Depends," Kate replied without looking away from the road. "What is it?"

"Would you mind taking a little detour and stopping for a moment?" Castle swallowed. "I'd like to pick something up from the doctors office."

"You serious?" Kate asked as she spared him a glance out of the corner of her eye.

"Yeah," Castle replied calmly. "Would you mind?" Kate seemed to be weighing her options for a moment. Her eyes darted briefly to the rearview mirror, and then back to the road in front of them as she weighed her options. "Okay… Fine," Kate answered in a begrudging manner. Castle could tell she wasn't exactly happy about it, but she was still willing to do it anyways.

She pulled up in front of the hospital, and came to an abrupt halt. "You've got five minutes," she said in a stern manner. Castle nodded, and quickly climbed out. He slammed the door and bent down to poke his head through the window. He offered her a grateful smile, and a gracious, "Thank you," before rushing in a sort of half run for the main doors. When he came out five minutes later, he was clutching a large mailing envelope that was stuffed full. Kate's eyes lingered on the brown envelope, wondering what sort of things were inside.

* * *

><p>Fifteen minutes later, silence filled the car around them as they pulled up behind an old rusted out car, Kate shifted the unmarked car into park before cutting the engine. Castle looked around, his brows furrowing as he took in their surroundings.<p>

"Are you sure we're in the right place?" Castle asked in doubt.

"This is where my C.I. said that I could find him," Kate replied as she looked out the passenger side window. Graffiti covered most of the brick and the plywood of the two adjacent buildings. A group of ten tall lanky boys were playing a game on the basketball court that was wedged between the rundown buildings.

"I know, but…" Castle paused. "It just doesn't seem right. He comes from a rich family, doesn't he. I'd expect that he would stick out like a sore thumb in a place like this.

"You'd be surprised," Kate replied as she opened turned and opened her door. Castle opened his door at the same time as Kate and slid out of the passenger seat. He shut the door behind him and followed Kate up to the fence that separated them from the basketball court located in the slums of the city. Kate leant casually against the wire fence with her shoulder. She gave a cursory glance to the kids on the court, trying to see if any fit the description of the young man. Castle followed suit.

"There," he spoke excitedly. "He's on the bleachers on the opposite side of the court. "He's wearing a gray hoodie."

"Got him," Kate replied, confirming Castle's discovery. She was surprised that he had such keen awareness. "Damn. The only problem is," she groaned. "He's going to pick us out before we ever get within 15 yards of him."

"Guess we'll have to come up with a alternate strategy then, won't we?" Castle asked rather mischievously.

Little did they know, but they were about to go on one hell of a footchase. Kate had been right. Zach made them before they could get within spitting distance. He took off like a shot, and Kate sprinted after him. Castle stared after, transfixed by the spectacle unfolding before him. Then, the adrenaline kicked in, and he took off after them. The gap that opened between himself, Kate, and the boy was discouraging, but he kept at it. Kate might need his help. He tried not to lose them as they sprinted across streets and wove through alleyways. Finally, they hit a dead end. Kate was trying to cuff him when he elbowed her in the ribs. Kate gasped, recoiling as the air was unexpectedly pushed out of her lungs. She tried not to let the sharp pain cripple her, but as the skin pulled at the faded white scar on her chest with the impact, it took her a long moment to recover. The scar that had once been angry and red had long since faded into a small pucker of her otherwise flawless skin. And despite that most of her wounds had healed, she would always be particularly vulnerable there. Kate's labored breathing gave way into shallow and erratic pants as she struggled to replace the air in her lungs. Unfortunately, before she could fully recover, Zach lashed out again, and Kate braced herself for the impact of the fist that would inevitably strike her. Time seemed to slow and stop completely as she waited for the impact. She clamped her eyes shut, and waited, and waited, and then seemingly waited some more. Finally, Kate stumbled sideways as something very dense in nature knocked into her and she nearly lost her balance. She heard a crack, a loud grunt, and the sound of two bodies hitting the pavement. Castle winced as he took an elbow to the eye in quick succession, before he was able to push the young man down onto the concrete. He dug his knee into the base of the boy's spine in order to keep him from fighting back.

"Oww…Oww…Oww," Zach whined as the pain and discomfort caught up with him. Kate's eyes fluttered open gingerly. It took a second before she was able to take in the sight in front of her and make sense of what was happening. "You're hurting me! Dude, get off me! I said get off of me!"

"Well," Castle replied shortly, "If you don't want to go through trouble like this in the future, I would recommend that you think twice about assaulting a police officer." Kate smiled at his protectiveness. Although a part of her still felt like she didn't need his protection.

She dangled the cuffs in front of Castle. "Why don't you cuff him," she recommended. "It's your takedown." Castle nodded, and then gratefully plucked them from Kate's hands. There was a sense of victory as the cuffs were secured around the boy's wrist.

"Am I… under arrest?" the boy asked anxiously.

"For evading and assaulting a police officer?" Castle asked as he pulled the boy to his feet. "I suppose that depends on whether or not Detective Beckett decides to press charges." Then. "Either way… we're all going back to the station for a chat." Together, they walked the long distance back to the unmarked cruiser. The boy's eyes darted around as they walked. Despite his efforts to make himself as small and indistinct as possible, Zach was drawing attention as they walked down the sidewalk. Castle didn't like the feeling of being watched either. He turned slightly and could see traffic was slowing considerably as people gawked at them.

"You okay?" Castle asked as he watched Kate's hand dart up to rub her fingers gingerly over where the bullet had pierced through her skin over a year before. Kate's fingers trembled as a searing pain shot through her chest and stole a breath from her lungs.

"I'm fine," Kate mumbled as her hand fell away. She was embarrassed that she'd been found out. After all, she didn't like exhibiting weakness in front of others. Castle let out a frustrated sigh as she deliberately avoided his gaze.

Castle was forced to bite down on his tongue as one of the spectators gave expelled a demeaning catcall as his eyes slowly raked over Kate's form as they walked. He wanted so very badly to teach the disrespectful teenager what it truly means to be a man, and his jaw clenched in anger as he struggled to restrain himself. Castle looked away. He figured he would have to get used to it. After all, Katherine Beckett was an extraordinarily beautiful woman, and boys were… boys. They were going to look. They were going to make lewd comments and inappropriate gestures.

Upon arriving back at the unmarked cruiser, Castle opened the door for her, and she pushed the kid down as she ordered him to slide inside. Castle had never seen a kid look so scared in his life.

Castle opened the door and slid into the passenger seat. He tugged the sleeve of his dress shirt over his hand and lifted it to apply pressure against where his lip had split apart. The tissue had split apart when he'd bitten down on it, and now it was bleeding quite a bit. For a reason only Castle knew, his blood wasn't clotting, as it should. Kate felt a pang of guilt as she looked at Castle and saw the bruise on his temple that was starting to swell.

"Are you okay?" She asked with an inflection of her voice. "I didn't realize he'd gotten you so badly."

"I'm fine," Castle answered in a clipped tone of his own that eerily resembled her response from before. She too let out a sigh of frustration, and then she quickly shook herself out of it and slid into the driver's seat. Kate turned the key over in the ignition and shifted into drive. She reentered traffic and made her way to the precinct in a hurry.

When they arrived back at the precinct, she handed off Zach to Ryan and Esposito before heading to her desk to grab what she needed for the interview. When she turned around, she couldn't hide the worry on her face.

As if reading her mind, Castle spoke, "I'm fine. It looks worse than it is. I promise." Kate stepped forwards, reaching up. Castle quickly let out a hiss and recoiled from her touch. Kate didn't let him. She carefully reached up and ran her thumb over his bottom lip where it had split apart.

"No it's not," Kate replied, "You need stitches, Your lip has been split apart, and I expect you're going to have a bit of a problem seeing out of your left eye for a little while. You should really put some ice on it to stop the swelling." Castle nodded wordlessly. Kate's hands fell away and she let out a sigh. "You didn't have to do that, you know?" Kate breathed, "It's not like I haven't taken a good punch or two before."

"Don't worry," Castle teased. "You didn't miss out on much. He hits like a girl." Kate couldn't stop the laughter from bubbling up in her throat.

"Uh huh," Kate replied in a teasing manner. Clearly she was unconvinced. Castle knew she was making fun of him, but didn't seem to mind. "You do realize that you have a bloody lip and a black eye, don't you?" Then. "Which kind of means that you got your ass handed to you by a guy who 'hits like a girl'."

"Mock me if you will," Castle breathed. "But I'm going to go downstairs and see if Lanie can fix me up as good as new. I'll be back soon. Feel free to start the interview without me."

"We can wait," Kate offered. "In fact, I'd like to let him stew a little bit after the crap he pulled today.

"No. Really," Castle asserted, "It's okay. I don't want to be a nuisance. You should start without me." Kate gave in and nodded.

"Okay," she choked out.

* * *

><p>The shiver overtook Castle's body and he couldn't stop the sharp intake of breath that sucked a fair amount of the frigid air into his lungs.<p>

Castle raked in a sharp intake of oxygen as he stepped off of the elevator and into the basement. The air was frigid and biting. It had a crispness to it that assaulted the airway passages of Castle's nose and mouth with a sharp sting. Castle quickly became distracted by the way his limbs trembled with the strain of his movement, and the cold that was licking at his skin. Compared to upstairs where the heat was sweltering, the air in the basement felt that much colder. Castle exhaled slowly, trying to calm his already trembling body. It burned unpleasantly when he inhaled, but he ignored it. The grip on the folder in his hand tightened as he stepped forwards. Because of his feverish body, Castle felt as he might freeze to death. Still, kept moving forwards.

He walked slowly down the hall and knocked on the appropriate reinforced glass door, which was comprised of a single flawless plane of glass. A soft, mumbled, "Come in!" had Castle pushing open the door and stepping inside.

"Is it safe for me to come in?" he asked.

"If you don't mind dead bodies, than sure," Lanie replied in a loud voice.

Castle swallowed thickly, bringing his hand up to his mouth as he struggled to choke back the bile in his throat. His eyes darted to the body that was lying open on the metal table in the center of the room, and then to the liver that was currently cradled in the forensic pathologist's hands. Lanie gently set the liver down in the scale. His stomach lurched again.

"The liver weighs 1.5kg," Lanie noted aloud. Castle stepped forwards, trying not to make a sound. After some patience, Castle was rewarded and Lanie looked towards the door. He watched as she pulled off her gloves and chucked them into a nearby biohazard trashbin before ultimately pausing the voice recorder that had been stowed in her lab coat pocket. After that, she pulled away the surgical mask from her face and let out a frustrated sigh.

"What do you want, Castle?" Lanie couldn't keep the annoyance out of her voice as she looked over to where he was standing.

"Nevermind," Castle choked out. "I'm sorry," Castle mumbled. The folder clutched in his hand seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. "I didn't realize that you were so busy. I…I uh… can come back later." He did and about face and started to go back the way he came.

"No! Don't… Stay," Lanie shook her head. "I'm sorry. I uh…I didn't meant to snap at you. I'm just tired. Castle took a deep breath, and squeezed his hands into tight fists. "What can I do for you, Castle?"

"I uhh… I was wondering if you could patch me up," Castle spoke softly. Lanie looked at Castle for a long moment, truly, for the first time. What she saw had her frowning. "You look like you got in a bar fight." Lanie grumbled. "Alright. Take a seat," Lanie commanded, "I'm going to go grab some supplies, and I'll be right back. Castle sat down on the edge of a clean stainless steel table, one that didn't have a dead body on it and waited for Lanie to return. He could hear her heels click against the floor as she came back. She quickly handed Castle an ice pack. "Hold that over your eye." Lanie clicked her tongue as she turned on a bright light that temporarily blinded Castle. "Your lip needs a stitch or two. Castle nodded.

"How did this happen?" she asked.

"A kid we were trying to bring in decided he wanted to put up fight," Castle replied. "He was about to hit Kate, but I stepped in."

"Are you honestly telling me that a kid did this?" Lanie chuckled. "Hasn't Kate taught you anything about taking down a suspect?"

"Hey! Don't laugh at me," Castle pouted. "I was trying to be a gentlemen. Kate's face is far too nice to be tarnished with such bruises. For me, this will just add to the whole ruggedly handsome bit."

"That was very sweet of you," Lanie admitted finally. "Okay," Lanie breathed quietly, "I'm going to numb the area with some lidocaine, and then I'll fix up your lip."

"Thanks for doing this, Lanie," Castle spoke graciously.

"It's no problem," Lanie spoke honestly. The next few minutes they spent in silence, mainly because of the fact that Lanie couldn't fix his lip while he was talking. Castle sat patiently trying to take interest in various things around the room. Finally, he heard the click of the scissors as Lanie secured the final stich. "All done," she announced softly. "Now let me see your eye," she requested. Castle gingerly pulled away the cold compress from his eye.

"Geez," she whined. "I've never seen a person bruise so fast. You have a significant amount of blood pooling under the skin, and unfortunately, it doesn't look like it is clotting well. Keep the cold compress on it. That should slow it, and eventually stop the swelling."

"Okay," Castle nodded. "Thanks." He gave a lopsided smile as he hopped down from the table. His lip had a little bandage over where Lanie and sewn it back together, and he found it limited his expression. He was surprised that it didn't hurt more than it did.

"Is that all you needed?" Lanie asked quietly.

"Oh," Castle cleared his throat. "Well, there was something else, but I think I've taken up enough of your time already."

"Nonsense," Lanie argued. "What is it?"

"It's nothing," Castle shook his head. "Just forget it."

"It's not nothing," Lanie argued, noting the way that Castle's eyes darted to the manila folder that was sitting out. "Clearly something is on your mind," Castle swallowed thickly as Lanie caught and held his eyes with her own.

"It's just… W-Would you mind taking a look at something for me?" Castle asked finally.

"What is it?" Lanie asked.

"Well," Castle cleared his throat, "I know that you usually deal with dead bodies, but my friend was uh… recently diagnosed with an illness and he wanted to get a second opinion." Castle took a weak breath as she tried to calm all of his senses, lest he give himself away. "So umm…would you? I mean… Would you mind taking a look?"

Lanie's eyes darted to the folder clasped in Castle's hand and then back up to his eyes.

"Sure," Lanie nodded, "Why not…" She took a step forwards and held out her hand in an invitation. "Is that the patient's history?"

"Y-Yeah," Castle swallowed, as he remained completely motionless.

Lanie frowned in concern as Castle failed to meet her halfway. His sparkling blue eyes stared absently at the wall behind where Lanie stood. She tried to catch his eyes, but she could tell that he was lost in his own thoughts and currently unreachable. Lanie realized that it must be quite difficult for him to relinquish the contents of that envelope to someone else. Lanie decided to make it easier for him, and gently reached out to prize away the folder from Castle's hand. Castle held his breath as he handed off something that he considered being so precious and so personal. Lanie was literally holding his life in her hands. At the same time, however, he knew that he needed this. He needed to be confident that they were taking the right course of action. He had to be sure.

Lanie opened the folder, took a brief glimpse inside and then shut it again.

"I…uh… I should get back upstairs," Castle swallowed. "I'll be back later." Then. "Just take your time."

"So this friend of yours?" Lanie breathed softly, reaching out for Castle's arm before he could retreat. "How close are you?"

"Close," Castle choked out, his voice even. "Very close," Castle amended.

"I'll take a look at it over lunch, and then get back to you," Lanie smiled.

"Thanks, Lanie," Castle smiled. "Thanks for doing this," Castle spoke graciously. He bid her farewell, and climbed the stairs to the bullpen.

* * *

><p>By the time that he reached the bullpen, Kate was already inside the interrogation room questioning their young male suspect. Castle watched, seemingly transfixed as Kate punctuated one point after another. For once, he had no desire to walk inside of the small room. In fact, for once he was more than content to just watch Kate interrogate the young boy. Castle felt his stomach churn uncomfortably, and idea of sitting inside the interrogation room with the thermostat cranked up as it was, just made him even more reluctant.<p>

"Are you going to go in there?" Esposito asked and Castle felt a hand on his shoulder.

"I don't know," Castle shook his head. "She seems to have it under control all by herself. I don't want to interrupt."

For a long moment the two men stood there in silence, listening to Kate's voice over the intercom. Castle's hands curled and uncurled out of discomfort before he ultimately gave into his distress and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Hey, man," he greeted. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Castle choked out, "Just uhh… tired." Castle visibly winced, hating how his own voice sounded so unfamiliar to his own ears. He grunted as another surge of pain worked its way through his body, and he bent over slightly. He tried not to show the pain he was in as he reached up to apply a gentle pressure to the upper area of his abdomen. His jaw clenched together in his determination not to make a sound. Instead, he forcefully swallowed through the residual burn lodged in the back of his throat.

"Castle," Esposito spoke finally, breaking the newfound silence, "I hate to say it like this, bro, but you look like hell."

"I'm fine," Castle gritted out. "Really."

"No. I'm serious," Esposito spoke. "It looks like Picasso rearranged your face," the detective joked.

"Uh huh," Castle chuckled. "That's it. Make fun of the guy with the split lip and the black eye." And Esposito did just that.

"You know," Esposito said finally. "I think it's cute. You being all protective." A pause. "But before next time, how about you let me show you how to take down a guy without getting your handsome face messed up."

"Sounds good," Castle replied with a nod. "But I'm fine."

"Yeah… Clearly," Esposito replied, not looking the least bit convinced.

Castle sighed and sank down onto a chair in the room as he was hit with a fit of lightheadedness.

"See? Here's the thing," Esposito spoke as he met Castle's eyes, "You can keep saying that as many times as you want, but frankly? I'm much more confrontational than Kate is at this point, and the fact is that I don't believe you for a single second." Castle's stomach lurched again, and he reached out reflexively for something to pull himself up with. The man was clearly ill, and Esposito didn't want Castle to feel any worse, but he was worried. "I think that maybe you should go and rest a little," Esposito suggested. "You could still have a virus or something."

"No," Castle blurted out forcefully, a little too forcefully. "Look, I'm fine." Castle swallowed, "Could you please help me up?" Something within the pools of blue staring back at him resonated. Esposito knew that look. He'd seen it before. Castle already knew what it was, and he looked petrified that someone…anyone would find out what it was. Castle reached for his partner's hand and Esposito pulled his away at the last minute. He knew that if he helped Castle up, that Rick would run and wouldn't look back. This was his best chance to stop Castle's evasive behavior. To get the answers that Kate couldn't seem to get. Castle dropped back the couple inches to the couch, shooting a glare at Esposito that made him sure he was onto something. He'd never seen Castle so upset in the three years that he knew him. "Not cool," Castle gritted out in a defeated growl.

"You'd tell me if something were wrong, wouldn't you?" Esposito asked finally as he sat down next to Castle. He angled his right shoulder and gave Castle his undivided attention. "I mean we're close enough friends to where you would tell me if something were wrong, right?" he asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Of course," Castle's voice sounded strained.

"So… what's going on with you?" Esposito inquired. Castle opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it upon realizing that he couldn't do it. "I'm not an idiot," Esposito bit out sternly. "Look, Kate may be in denial because she's too afraid that there is actually something seriously wrong with you, but something is obviously wrong."

"Not now, okay?" Castle finally pleaded. Esposito nodded. And Castle finally mustered up enough strength to enter the interrogation room.

* * *

><p>When Castle stepped off of the elevator and into the basement for the second time that day, everything seemed so very different than it had only several hours before. Castle strode across the tiled floor and pushed his way into the morgue. Lanie was busy peeling off her gloves, a surefire sign that she had finished her autopsy, the final step of which, was meticulously completing the suture of the y-incision. Lanie bit down on her tongue, hoping that she could pull herself together enough to have the conversation that she needed to with Rick Castle. Castle's foot tapped anxiously on the floor as he watched Lanie drape a pristine white sheet over the man's body.<p>

"You need any help?" Castle offered quietly.

"N-No," Lanie stuttered, avoiding making eye contact with him. When she finally looked up, Castle realized that she still couldn't meet his eyes. Castle walked forwards and leant against the sanitary basin lining the far wall.

"So…" Castle cleared his throat, feeling the tension building in the room with each passing moment. "Did you have a chance to look over the folder I gave you?"

"Y-Yes. Yes I did," Lanie choked out.

"And?" Castle swallowed, his voice came out sounding strangled and forced. He couldn't seem to hide his anxiousness.

"As evidenced by the patients complete blood counts, CT scans, and the patient's bone marrow biopsy, the patient is exhibiting clear signs of Acute Monocytic Leukemia," Lanie breathed matter of factly.

"What about treatment options?" Castle asked.

"Castle," Lanie swallowed, "I'm a medical examiner. I mean, sure, I have a medical degree, but I deal with dead bodies, not living ones. And I'm definitely not an oncologist." Then. "I wouldn't even know where to start in your friend's case. I just don't know all of the mechanics that come with treating a cancer like this."

"Just…give it a shot," Castle begged, "Please." Lanie let out a sigh, unable to meet Castle's eyes as she realized why Castle was so invested.

"Okay," Lanie breathed softly. "The type of cancer your friend has is extremely aggressive and should be treated as soon as possible in order to give your friend the best chance of survival," Lanie replied as she carefully watched Castle's expression. "If I were the doctor on this case than I would start with a consecutive infusion of Cytarabine, followed by a three day push of Daunorubicin." Lanie paused to clear her throat. Castle nodded. "Unfortunately, there are a few indications that your friend might be prone to relapse. In light of this knowledge I would consider a bone marrow transplant in which the remaining cells are harvested after consolidation chemotherapy and no cancer cells remain." Castle stared at her, nodding repeatedly. "I also noticed from the CT scans that the patient's spleen is also severely enlarged. I think it is important that it be taken out before starting chemotherapy."

Castle stood there for a moment, just taking in all of the things Lanie had said. Some things were a pretty big shock to him and others just made him feel relieved.

"Okay," Castle finally let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Lanie." He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly as he tried to appear calm. "I really appreciate it. This will definitely put my friend's mind at ease." He turned around, and had started heading for the door, when Lanie's voice had him freezing in his tracks.

"How long?" Dr. Lanie Parish finally managed to voice out loud, her eyes locking with Castle as he turned back around. He felt quite stunned that he'd been found out. After all, he'd taken every precaution to remove his name from those files. Castle suddenly felt as if he couldn't breath. His palms started to sweat as he felt the M.E.'s eyes bore into his own.

"Excuse me?" Castle asked dumbly.

"I said… How long?" Lanie repeated. "How long have you known, Rick?" Lanie Parish swallowed. "When did you find out?"

"There must be some kind of mistake," Castle stuttered, having trouble maintaining the lie. "You see. It's my friend who is sick, not me…"

"Don't you dare lie to me, Castle," Lanie barked. "Did you honestly think that I wouldn't figure it out?" Lanie asked with a piercing glare.

"Lanie," Castle breathed as he met her eyes. He let the fear of being found out silence him for a long moment, and silently prayed he hadn't made a big mistake in going to Lanie for help. "Please…"

"Why?" Lanie asked as she took a step forwards. She could see that Castle was very close to coming apart. "Why come to me with this if you wanted to keep it a secret?"

"Because I trusted you," Castle swallowed, "And I'm scared." He closed his eyes shut, raking a hand over his face as he tried not to show too much emotion. "I need to be sure that I'm making the right choice… and I don't know anything. It's scary, having to rely on someone else to do something because you don't know how to yourself. My life is literally in someone else's hands and I just…"

"Shh," Lanie quieted him. "Rick," Lanie swallowed. "I understand that."

"Please," tears built in his eyes as he met Lanie's. "You can't tell Kate. Not yet." Then he spoke a little more frantically. "You need to promise."

"Okay," Lanie nodded. "I am a doctor, Rick. Look, I'm not _your_ doctor, so I can't claim a doctor/patient privilege in this case. But I will keep quiet for now." Lanie felt her heart clench painfully in her chest as she thought about Kate. "All I can say is… that you need to tell her, Rick. There's no need to hide it like this. Kate, Kevin, and Javier deserve to know."

"I know," Castle nodded.

"So when are you going to do it?" Lanie asked. "Because with those results. It can't wait much longer."

"I know. I know. I…I'm going to try and tell Kate tonight," Castle whispered. "And Lanie? I…I think she's going to need you." He swallowed. "In fact, I'll feel a hell of a lot better if I know that she has you."

"I'll be there," Lanie promised. "You text me when you need me, and I'll be there in a flash. You have my word." Castle nodded. He swallowed, paced back and forth a few times, and then finally headed towards the elevator.

"She loves you, you know?" Lanie shouted after his retreating form. When she was left alone, Lanie went back to staring at Castle's medical history. She shook her head sadly, wishing that she'd never agreed to look at the file in the first place. She cared about Castle more than she'd like to admit. And, although she was a doctor, it made no sense to her why it had to be Castle, of all people. Castle was lively, enthusiastic, fun. She could only hope that the illness wouldn't take that away from him.

* * *

><p>"Hey," Kate looked up from her desk as he approached. He plopped down into the chair looking drained.<p>

"Hey," Castle replied. "So whatcha thinking?" Castle asked finally as he noticed the cute way in which Kate's eyebrows were furrowed.

"I don't know," Kate swallowed. "I want to believe the kid, but I don't know if I can trust him."

"What do you think?" She asked him as she hoped to glimpse his mindset on the case.

"I'm not sure if you should take his word for it," Castle replied. "I know that your gut is usually right, but I would lean with the evidence on this one. It seems like Zach is lying about his relationship with Lily."

"He was in love with her," Kate argued. "He believed that he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. I don't know… I… I just don't think he hurt her."

"It's not enough to believe anymore," Castle argued. "Sure. You can believe all you want. But it doesn't mean anything if both parties don't feel the same way. Maybe the feelings were one-sided. Maybe Lily didn't love him, and Zach decided that if he couldn't have her that nobody else could have her either."

"What happened to you?" Kate asked in surprise. "You're the one always spouting off mumbo jumbo about true love and romance and…"

"Because I was stupid and naïve," Castle replied shortly. "Eventually, you grow up and you realize that none of it exists. You make your own happiness, and sometimes you fail at it." Kate's jaw fell open. This wasn't like Castle at all.

"Whoa… Whoa, Wait a minute," Kate spoke forcefully. "What is this really about?"

"Nothing," Castle shook his head. "Just forget what I said. I didn't mean anything by it." He went to stand up. He wasn't sure he could handle staying for one more minute. It had been a hell of a long day.

"No," Kate shook her head, "Why are you acting so upset?" Kate asked as her hand latching onto his wrist. The touch burned like fire, and her grip was strong enough that it hurt. He looked down to the point of contact and silently wondered if he'd find a bruise there tomorrow.

"Kate," Castle's voice was ragged, strained as he pulled away. "Let it go." Then, in a defeated voice he said, "I'm tired. I just want to go home."

"No," Kate persisted. "I've given you time, and it seems like the more time I give you, the further you push me away." Her eyes sparkled in the dim light, and he could see the determination in them. It was one of the things he'd fallen in love with, the fact that she could be so very relentless. Now he wished she would give up. "You went from a man that could always talk to me about anything, to a complete stranger in the matter of a few days." Kate tried her hardest not to get emotional, but the feeling lodged deep in the pit of her stomach couldn't be squandered. "You made me believe in those things, Rick. You made me believe in love. _You._ You made me believe it was possible to overcome insurmountable odds. And now you're acting like it's all a bunch of crap_._ And I take personal offense to that._"_

"Kate," Castle's voice cracked painfully. He knew it was futile.

"Now you're telling me you don't believe in those things anymore," Kate continued. "You're pushing me away, and I want to know what happened." Castle looked into the depths of her eyes. He refused to speak.

"I want to stop this, but I can't stop it if you don't let me." Kate spoke sincerely. "Rick," Kate's eyes were full of warmth and sincerity. "Alexis and I talked. I can tell she's worried too. Please, Rick."

"Kate," Castle shook his head. "I can't talk about it. Not now."

"Then when? When, Rick?" Kate asked. "When you're dead?" A shiver shot down Castle's spine as she spoke the last word. He knew she was trying to make a statement but it was nearly too much. If only she knew how powerful a statement that was, perhaps she would have chosen her words a little more carefully.

"Soon." He promised. "Just give me a little more time," he pleaded as he stood up. Kate mimicked his movements, wondering if she'd said too much. She felt slight relief when he gave her a soft peck on the lips, not caring who saw. "I'll see you at dinner tonight."

"I'm going to have to meet you there," Kate replied. "I still have a lot of things to do."

"Okay," he forced a smile. Then for good measure, he gave her a kiss on the cheek and whispered in her ear. "You look beautiful today, by the way. I must say…"

"Thanks," Kate felt her heart pick up its pace in her chest. Kate watched as he walked slowly to the elevator.

"Wait!" she called out. But it was poor timing. At that precise moment Ryan came sprinting up.

"Sorry to interrupt, but Gates needs you in her office." He breathed out in a rush. The expression on his face told her it was urgent.

"It sounds like you're needed elsewhere," Castle said with a sad smile.

"I guess I am," Kate confirmed. "Take care, Castle." She nodded, gave him one last smile for good measure and then followed Ryan. Castle nodded and then wordlessly slipped into the elevator.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: So this is basically the halfway point right here. Because the chapter was so long, I had to divide it into two parts. But don't worry, I'll post the other one tonight as well. <strong>_

_**Part two contains the moment that you've all been waiting for (the pinacle of the first part of the story, if you will). Castle and Kate get put through the emotional ringer.**_

_**Also, just to be safe I would have some tissue near when you read it. I don't think it will make you cry, but I've gotten yelled at before for a lack of warning. **_

_**Please Read and Review! I'd really like to know what you guys think about it! **_

On to the next chapter!


	8. Stay

Title: **The World You Love**  
>Category: TV Shows » Castle<br>Author: caskettinacastle  
>Language: English, Rating: Rated: T<br>Genre: Drama

_**Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe. This is just me writing for the heck of it. (I'm not making any profit from it. I promise!)**_

_**Spoilers: Through part of Season 4**_

_**Rating: (Not really sure what its going to be. For now, I'll rate it T!)**_

_**Chapter 6.5: Stay **_

_**AN: I'm not really sure if this chapter needs much of an intro, since I've basically posted these chapter back to back. But I just wanted to say that this chapter has been in the making for a very long time. When you spend so much time building up to one moment, your expectations become so high that it is almost impossible to come up with something that you are happy with. For me, it was no different. I spent so much time on this chapter and this one moment where it all comes to fruition that I had the hardest time writing this. I want so desperately to live up your expectations, and I can only hope and pray that it does. So please read and I hope you like it! Thanks to all of my readers for being so wonderful! You guys make me smile with your loyalty to this story and your enthusiasm! You all mean so much to me!**_

* * *

><p>(At the restaurant)...<p>

'I'm going to kill him,' Kate thought to herself as she glanced down at the face of her watch, and then to the door across the main dining area. She let out a frustrated sigh as she went back to her own cheap form of entertainment. The ice clattered gently against that edge of the glass as she swirled her straw around it. With her other hand, Kate thrummed her fingers against the rich, silk tablecloth. He was over an hour late now, and Kate hadn't received so much as a single text from him. The waiter had stopped by the table nearly a dozen times now, and Kate kept having to send him away. She could practically feel the pitying gazes that people were sending her way, and that only did more to piss her off. This sort of thing didn't happen to her. It just didn't. She'd never had a guy stand her up for a date. Even Josh, who had a very inconsistent work schedule that entailed ridiculous hours, never once stood her up for a date. Kate felt a plethora of emotions that she didn't even want to touch the surface on. For starters, she felt angry, hurt, upset, confused. But mainly just hurt, because despite her best efforts to shrug it off, she still cared. She really cared, damn it. And now Castle had hurt her again.

She'd rushed home, had frantically rooted through her closet, trying to find the perfect thing to wear. It had been a long day to begin with. Now, it was just cruel.

It didn't seem right. Castle was never late for anything, in fact, he was usually so early.

She reached into her small clutch purse and checked the display. No missed calls.

That was it. She unlocked the display, scrolled through her contacts and dialed Castle's number. Castle's phone rang straight to voicemail. Great. His phone was off. Kate's stomach sank as worry took over. What if something had happened to him? Kate felt her anger wavering as she thought of how he'd been acting lately. Kate hung up without leaving a message, and then rethought her decision and called again.

"Hey, Castle," Kate tried to keep her voice even, but worry somehow managed to seep into her tone, "I'm at the restaurant, and I'm just wondering where you are. Give me a call as soon as you get this." She hit the end button a little more vigorously than needed and tossed her phone onto the table with a small clatter. Once again, more eyes were on her as they tried to figure out what was going on. After all, what idiot could possibly stand up a woman who was so undeniably beautiful? Kate ran a hand over her face, trying to shield herself from prying eyes. Tears built in her eyes as she went back to feeling so thoroughly humiliated.

She lifted her hand as the waiter passed, deciding to jump ship while she still had some dignity.

"Excuse me," Kate's voice was surprisingly calm and patient. "Could I have my check please?"

The waiter approached slowly. She could see that he was particularly sympathetic to her situation.

"It's on the house," he said softly as he leant down and whispered in her ear as he softly brushed her shoulder with his hand.

"No," Kate shook her head, wanting to maintain her dignity. "I want to pay for it."

"Let me," he sighed, "Please..." He smiled softly. "It's on me…"

"O-Okay," Kate's voice faltered. "Thank you."

"Just do me a favor and take care of yourself, all right?" he said finally. "And while you're at it, give me your boyfriend's number. I'd like to call him and tell him what a jerk he is for standing up such a beautiful woman."

"Thanks," Kate smiled. "But that won't be necessary. I'll be more than happy to let him know that myself." She laughed softly.

"Okay," he smiled softly. "Well, have a good night, miss." Then. "Do you need me to call you a taxi?"

"No thanks. I'll be fine," Kate smiled as she pushed her chair back and stood. "Thank you though."

"Anytime," he nodded, before slipping away. Kate picked up her phone and dropped it into her purse, before walking slowly through the room. When she made it out the main doors, she walked slowly towards the street. She lifted her hand into the air as she spotted a taxi passing on the other side of the street. At that precise moment, her phone started to ring in her pocket. She fumbled with the purse before she was ultimately able to fish out her phone. For a moment, she thought that it might be Castle. However, when she saw the display, her heart sank again.

"Hey, Lanie," she greeted softly.

"Hey girl," her friend greeted.

"Hey," Kate greeted back.

"What's wrong?" Lanie asked quickly. "You sound upset."

"It's nothing…"

"From the sound of it, it's not nothing," Lanie pressed. "So what is it? What happened?"

"It's Rick," Lanie stopped breathing for a moment as she silently wondered whether Rick had finally told Kate. If so, she was wondering why Castle hadn't called.

"Oh, honey," she sounded sympathetic, "What about him?"

"He… He stood me up tonight," Kate sighed. "I called him, but his phone is off, and I… I have no idea where he is."

"Ugh," Lanie grunted, "I'm going to wring his neck."

"Get in line," Kate replied with a challenge to her voice. "But I want a go at him first."

"Well… Something must have come up," Lanie finally replied. "I'm sure he wouldn't have stood you up unless it was something important."

"Right," Kate muttered rather sarcastically, "Because he's never hurt me before."

"Kate," Lanie breathed softly. "I'm sure he has a good reason. Just… Give him a chance to explain before you count him out, okay?"

"Hey," Kate protested angrily, "Why are you on his side?" She asked defensively.

"I…I'm not," Lanie argued. Though she knew it was only halfhearted. She couldn't help but think of Rick and the way he'd looked when they'd talked. She could see the fear, the helplessness. She knew that he'd been planning on telling Kate what was happening and could only figure he'd lost his nerve. "Look, Kate," Lanie spoke softly. "I'm sorry. And I promise that I am on your side. It's… it's just hard not to look at things from both sides. Castle has seemed off lately. I don't know. What I mean to say is that something has been going on with Castle. I know you see it. Ryan and Esposito see it. And I guess that what I'm trying to say is that you need to give him the benefit of the doubt here. And at the very least you need to hear him out before you kick him to the curb for good."

"Yeah," Kate swallowed thickly as she thought about the last week and the sort of things she'd seen in Castle's eyes. "Any chance you know what it is that has turned Castle inside out?"

"It's not really my place to tell," Lanie admitted.

"If you know, then it is your place to tell." Kate urged.

"Just talk to him, Kate." Lanie shot back. "I… I'll see if I can't figure out what the hell happened to lover boy. But for the time being, why don't you head home?"

"That's what I was doing when you called," Kate replied. "You know what? Just forget it. Who needs men anyways? I'm done, Lanie. I'm just done."

"Don't say that," Lanie pleaded before the call was disconnected. Lanie let out a sigh, and silently resolved that she was going to give Castle a good kick up the 'you know what'. She called Castle's number, and left a message.

"Richard Castle," Lanie seethed, "You better not have stood Kate up tonight for no reason! You need to pull yourself together before you lose everything. Do you hear me? Now call me back when you get this. You are going to tell Kate everything tonight! And that is in non-negotiable! She loves you and deserves better than this." Lanie hung up before she let out all of the things that she really wanted to say. She was sick of having to intervene and meddle in Rick and Kate's relationship. After all, they were all adults, weren't they?

By the time she made it home, Kate was past being emotionally and physically exhausted. As soon as she was in, she locked the door behind her and headed for the cabinet in the kitchen where she kept the booze. She poured herself a glass of wine. By the time she realized it was a bottle that Castle and bought for her, she'd already drank more than half the glass. As much as she wanted to boycott anything Castle related, she just figured he owed her for her current emotional state. Drinking the wine was her way of getting even. Kate sank down onto the couch in the living room, and stared into the mantle on the opposite wall. She closed her eyes as they started to burn with unshed tears.

"Am I crazy?" she asked herself finally. "All he ever seems to do is hurt me, and yet, I love him so much it kills me." Her head sank as her shoulders started to shake and the tears started to pour. She swore under her breath. She had no handle on what was happening, no clue about why Castle was pulling away. The last time he'd pulled away like this, it was almost the end of them. She hadn't understood why until after she'd found out the reason Castle left. He'd discovered her secret, and he'd subsequently decided not to feel anything for her at all. Was that happening again? Had she done something wrong, again? He knew now how she felt, and why she didn't tell him that she remembered his declaration of love. She shook her head. No. There wasn't anything else she had kept from him. They'd been together for a while now with no problems. Kate knew that whatever was making Castle pull away from her, was on his side. She just wished that he would tell her what it was.

Kate downed another healthy glass of wine before leaving her glass on the coffee table, and heading for the bedroom. She stripped out of her dress, tossed it over the chair in the corner without a care, threw herself onto the bed, and curled up into a ball under her covers. Her eyes stung from all the crying, or the attempts to stop said crying, and so she closed them to ease the irritation. At some point soon thereafter, she drifted off.

Kate grumbled as she awoke to a loud, incessant pounding on her door. She let out a sleepy groan at the offending sound, still halfway between a waking state and a sleeping. Slowly, Kate rolled over, and her eyes darted to the clock over the mantel in search of the time. She had to blink several times before she was able to see it clearly. It was early, the middle of the night, and she was NOT getting up. With another groan, she picked up one of the pillows from the head of her bed, rolled over, and covered her head with it as she sought to sink down into the bed. She was hoping that whoever was at the door would get the hint and go away.

She had no such luck. And so? Kate decided to take another tactic. With her arms, she pulled up the bedspread, and gathered the heavy down comforter around her neck in an effort to drown out the noise further and ward off the early morning chill. The loud thuds, although the fabric of her comforter and pillow significantly muffled them, were still loud enough to be heard. She cursed frustratedly under he breath, and silently wondered why she couldn't seem to catch a break. In the mean time, the incessant knocking continued.

Kate finally gave up, pulled off the pillow, and chucked it back to its old place before throwing back the covers. Another sleepy moan filled her otherwise silent apartment, as she slowly rolled over onto her back and stretched out her otherwise stiff muscles. Finally, after another minute Kate opened her eyes. She had to blink several times due to the slight burning in them. Boy, she hated crying. It made her eyes all puffy and irritated. She wondered if eye drops would help her hide the red bloodshot look in them. The last thing she wanted was people asking questions. Kate lay staring at the ceiling for another minutes as her emotions threatened to swell up and swallow her again. She was not going to cry any more over Richard Castle. She wasn't. Kate let out a growl, so angry and upset that Castle had such an effect on her. With ragged breaths, Kate fought back the tears and reached up to run a hand over her face.

As she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, Kate rubbed the soreness from her eyes, and stood. On her way out of the bedroom she grabbed her service weapon from off the coffee table and padded for the door. She was thoroughly determined that she was going to teach the person at the door a lesson about knocking on people's doors in the middle of the night. As she walked, she held it pointing towards the floor with the safety on. For some reason it eased her nerves to hold the service weapon. She didn't know why, but ever since she'd been shot and her mother's case had been reopened, she never felt quite safe. For a long time, she struggled with PTSD. Now she was finally better, but her nerves still always seemed to be on edge. Once she reached the door, she pushed up on her toes to peak through the peephole in her door. Her throat became constricted as she saw Castle standing on the other side. She was torn between letting him stand out there for the rest of the night out of sheer spite and anger, and letting him in. After all, when she'd cried over him earlier that night, she'd sworn to herself that she was done with Richard Castle. Castle had hurt her feelings a lot in the last week. And now, without any warning, he was standing outside her door at three o clock in the morning. Kate wondered what on earth was going on. With shaking hands, she slid back the chain and unfastened it, before unlocking the dead bolt. She took a deep breath, and closed her eyes for a long moment, hoping that she didn't screw things up more somehow. Finally, when she was satisfied by her overall sense of calmness, she pulled the door open with her service piece still clutched in one hand.

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't slam the door in your face right…." Kate lectured with a clipped tone as she threw open the door. "Now," Kate's voice fell away as she truly looked at Castle for the first time. He looked absolutely awful. In fact, he looked like hell. Castle visibly flinched as he saw the remnants of hurt on Kate's features. He felt like such an ass for standing her up, and seemed to think that it was just one more reason that he should end it now. She didn't deserve any more hurt in her life, especially not from him.

"I…can't," Castle, breathed, "Kate," Castle's voice was weaker, and more defeated than usual, "I'm so sorry." He choked on the last word, forcing him to swallow over the obstacle in his throat. "So go ahead. Slam it in my face. I… I deserve it. I… I just wanted to… I wanted to say that I was sorry for standing you up at dinner. I-I feel like a jerk and it was inexcusable. And I…I would understand if you never wanted to see me again."

"Castle," she whispered in a soft, defeated sigh of her own. It seemed that all of her resolve and determination to be angry at him was useless. "At his point, I just want to know what the hell is going on. I'm done with all the charades. I'm done with you blowing me off. Either you tell me about it, or I'm gone…"

"Kate," Castle choked on her name.

"And not to sound too critical, but what in the hell happened to you?" Kate asked as she rambled on. It looks like you went for a swim in the Hudson." Wanting to maintain that sense of normalcy between them, she made a show of rolling her eyes in annoyance, although in her heart, she was far from it. It was almost funny how predictable he was. After all, only Castle would have enough guts to show up at her apartment completely unannounced at three o'clock in the morning, she thought.

"I uh… It's stupid," Castle choked out as his eyes darted to the service piece in Kate's hand and then back up to her strong shoulders. The white tank she had on hugged her skin tightly, showing off her slender, but very strong body. Kate's expression of annoyance softened as she saw something flicker in Castle's eyes. Maybe she was taking the wrong approach. Clearly something else was going on. She'd never seen Castle look so lost. It was obvious that something was wrong.

"Come on in," she commanded softly, opening the door wider. She gestured for him to come inside, but he didn't move. Not even an inch. "Have you put ice on that at all? We should get some ice on that, or it's going to swell up even more."

"I…I shouldn't," Castle replied in hesitation. "I'm really sorry I bothered you. I… I should probably go."

"Castle," Kate was quickly back to being annoyed. "For goodness sakes! Do you really mean to tell me that you drove all the way across town just so you could wake me up at three o'clock in the morning, give me some half-assed apology that you could have easily done over the phone, and now you're going to just leave?"

"Kate, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry I…" Castle raked a hand through his hair, freezing as he realized he wouldn't have it for much longer.

"Stop," Kate cut him off. The fact that he had apologized so many times was actually starting to get on her nerves. It was clear that he was remorseful. All she wanted was for him to stop. "Stop saying you're sorry. Okay? I…I forgive you." Castle's hand dropped back to his side in defeat. His heart ached so.

"You do?" Castle breathed in surprise, meeting her soft brown eyes.

"Yes," Kate confirmed. Kate sighed in emotional exhaustion. "So what happened? Why didn't you show?"

"Kate," Castle groaned inwardly, "The answer to that question will only upset you."

"Rick," Kate retorted. "Don't you think that I should decide that for myself?"

"I…I was out walking," Castle revealed finally. "I needed some time to clear my head. I…I wish I had a better excuse, something worthy of your forgiveness, but I don't. I… I'm sorry."

"Rick," Kate groaned aloud. "How long is this going to go on? When are you going to stop shutting me out? Can't you just tell me what it is that's going on?" Kate paused.

_Shaking your head like it's all wrong_  
><em>Before you're here you're already gone<em>  
><em>And even with the light all around you<em>  
><em>You're all alone in the dark.<em>  
><em>You're breaking your own heart<em>  
><em>Taking it too far down the lonely road<em>  
><em>You say you just want love<em>  
><em>But when it's close enough you just let it go<em>  
><em>The very thing you've been the most afraid of<em>  
><em>You've been doing it from the start, breaking your own heart.<em>  
><em>Too many tears, too many falls<em>  
><em>It's easier here behind these walls<em>  
><em>But you don't have to walk in the shadows<em>  
><em>Life is so hard.<em>  
><em>You're breaking your own heart<em>  
><em>Taking it too far down the lonely road<em>  
><em>You say you just want love<em>  
><em>But when it's close enough you just let it go<em>  
><em>The very thing you've been the most afraid of<em>  
><em>You've been doing it from the start, breaking your own heart.<em>

"Believe me, Kate," Castle replied. "I want to. I want to be able to tell you why I've been such a mess lately, it's just that… every time I try to find the courage to tell you what is going on, I can't." Castle paused to take a quavering breath. "I…I can't." Kate saw something flicker through Castle's eyes, and was able to react appropriately. She caught his hand in hers at the precise moment that he attempted to flee.

"No," Kate was assertive as she yanked him forcefully inside of her apartment. "You're not leaving until you tell me why you really came here," she said stubbornly as she kicked the door shut behind her and turned to face him properly. "You forget. I know you better than you think. This isn't just about some stupid apology. This is about something more. Look, Rick. I don't know if you need advice, or if you just need a shoulder to cry on, but I'm here." Kate swallowed. "So tell me. What is it that you need?" Kate asked as she closed the space between them. She watched as the adam's apple in Castle's throat bobbed up and down with each swallow. For Castle, swallowing was almost painful. His throat was so dry he almost couldn't stand it. And the pulse in his temple throbbed, leaving his heartbeat thundering in his ears. In a moment of weakness, and of lust, Castle's eyes darted to Kate's lips as she moistened them. He reached out, his hand brushing against her side. He kept his hand there for a long moment, his hand clutching her hip as if she were the only thing that kept him anchored.

"I want…" Castle struggled to come up with a suitable response. Instead, he stopped there, his expression saying enough on its own. Kate stared back with a sparkling glint in her eyes, and as she did, her heart started to race.

"Rick," Kate sighed. "I haven't done anything to upset you, have I?"

"No," Castle replied all too quickly.

"O-Okay," Kate expelled in a single breath, although the word was dragged out a lot longer than it was normally. "So I can say that this isn't about your feelings for me. This is about something else completely. This is about you keeping everything inside when you shouldn't."

"I'm not…" Castle started to argue, but Kate silenced him. He opened his mouth again to protest, unwilling to give up so easily, but she didn't give him the chance. This time, she silenced him with a forceful kiss to his lips; something that she'd wanted to do so very much. It was different; due to the fact Castle's lip was swollen and held together with tape and stitches. But it didn't seem to bother either of them. The kiss lasted quite long. So long in fact, that Kate secretly hoped she had lowered his defenses. When they finally did part, Castle tried not to look too surprised.

Their relationship had gone through so many ups and downs lately, he never knew what to expect. He closed his eyes, his hands tangling in Kate's hair, as he pulled her into another. Castle couldn't keep the moan from escaping him as he started savoring the gentle probing of Kate's tongue in his mouth. He felt her fingers rake gently through his hair. His chest was starting to feel unbearably tight, as his mind started to scream at him in protest. Not only for the obvious reasons, such as passed up breathing, but also because he had come to Kate's place to try and end things between him and Kate Beckett.

At some point during his musings this evening, Castle had disillusioned himself into thinking that it would be better to break things off with Kate. At the very least, he was determined to give Kate a chance to get out of the relationship before he dropped a bomb on her. He wanted to give her a chance to walk away before she was otherwise locked in to a relationship with an ailing partner.

When he couldn't bear it anymore, he finally wrenched his mouth away and broke the kiss, his chest bobbing up and down under Kate's fingertips. Carefully, she straightened his collar. It was a gesture he knew all too well. He couldn't breathe for a moment as he had a flashback to that day in the bank, when Kate had actually let herself get lost in him. (Before Martha had broken up the moment, that is.) The smile on her lips that day had left little doubt as to whether she cared for him as more than just her partner.

However, his confidence in Kate's feelings had waned when he'd found out that she'd lied to him about remembering the instant he'd professed his love for her. After that, he'd been sure that she didn't feel anything for him at all, but rather, that she was embarrassed because she didn't feel the same way. It had taken a lot to fix the rift that had opened up between them. And now they were seemingly back to being sure of their feelings for one another, but it still took a lot of work.

Castle was pulled out of the memory as Kate took him by the hand again, and led him across the confines of her living room.

"Sit," Kate ordered as she practically pushed him down onto the couch. She quickly disappeared for a few minutes, but came back with two coffees in hand. She handed Castle a cold compress, and one of the mugs, before she sat down next to him, turning her body slightly so that she was facing him.

Castle took a small sip of the rich coffee and set the mug down on the coffee table. He lifted the cold compress to his left temple, where he'd taken an elbow.

"So what's going on?" Kate pressed, "I don't mean to pressure you or anything, but you've really given me no choice. I can see it in your eyes," Kate admitted. "You're beating yourself up about something. And you look like you've been warring with yourself for days."

Castle continued to stare into the carpeting at his feet, not making so much as a single noise to acknowledge that he'd heard her.

"You're lost in your own head, aren't you?" Kate asked finally.

Castle reached out and lifted the coffee mug to his lips, taking a sip of the scalding coffee as he tried to buy some time to form his words. He set the mug back on the coffee table and then let his head drop into his hands. He let out a ragged breath. "Cas…Rick," Kate sighed, "Look, I want to be there for you. I want to help. I really do, but I can't unless you let me. This has been going on for a week now, and I…it's driving me crazy." Kate swallowed, her heart clenching painfully. "I…I miss you." Those three words were enough to coax him out of his defeated stance. Kate set down her coffee as he turned towards her, and Kate's hand reached out to caress his cheek. He closed his eyes, leaning into the gesture. And when his eyes finally blinked open, he discovered that she had moved closer. Kate's hand slid around to the back of his neck, carefully pulling him forwards into another kiss. In another blink, lips were brushing together. The kiss was feather light, but in an instant it evolved into something much more. The pressure deepened as hands reached out. Opposing forces generated by their fervent hunger, caused lips to mash together again and again in undeniable passion and desire. Castle's mouth opened to allow Kate's persistent tongue entrance, and he moaned as it tangled with his own. It felt like silk. He tasted her and it was heavenly. He'd never experienced anything as intoxicating as kissing Kate Beckett. It made his head spin so.

After air became a necessity, Castle forced himself to pull away. Kate protested, not wanting it to be over. She kissed a line along the contours of his jaw to the hollow of his ear, before slowly pulling back. She was breathless.

His eyes were so incredibly soft, that they seemed to be gazing into the depths of Kate's soul, and for the briefest of moments she wondered what it was that he saw. Her breathing hitched slightly as one of his hands slipped around to her back, and he pulled her ever so closer.

Kate suddenly found herself wrapped tightly in his arms, and she could hear him breathe in and out.

"I know," he whispered into her ear, "I know I've hurt you by pushing you away, and I'm sorry. I just… I didn't know what to do." His breath was so warm, and Kate could not help the shiver that shot up her spine, nor the warmth that seemed to be spreading out from where his hands touched her body. He pulled back.

"About what?" Kate found herself whispering as she too wrapped her arms around him, pulling herself closer. She could hear his breathing hitch, but he seemed to catch himself. With reckless abandon, Kate laid her head against his chest just listening to the beating of his heart. At the same time, Castle shifted so that his nose and mouth brushed against the top of her head and she could hear him take a deep breath. She knew exactly what he was doing because she was doing the exact same thing. God, Castle was breathing her in, just as surely as she was breathing him in, in that moment. Castle smelled so wonderful, that Kate found herself closing her eyes, and relishing in the sensation. Not only of his sweet smell, but also of the loud, slightly staccato heartbeat she could feel against her cheek, beating through the fabric of his shirt. She loved him so. Kate loved the man she was holding, and the thought of that didn't scare her anymore.

For a long time, Kate just listened to the sound of his breathing, his heart, and the silence around them. This moment was so unbelievably perfect, and she wanted nothing more than to freeze the moment and stay in it forever. If only she knew what were about to come, she would have wished for it even more. Kate froze as she suddenly realized what it was that she'd just thought. This wasn't her. After all, she was Kate Beckett, and she didn't believe in stuff like this. She didn't believe in magic, and fairytales, and happy endings. So the question was, how had she wound up there, so sure of the love that she felt for him than she'd ever felt before? Perhaps, even more. Then she realized. It's because somehow, she did believe it. Somehow, Kate Beckett did believe in love and happy endings. And she believed in it because Castle had made her believe. He'd made her sure that it exists, simply through always being there when she needed him. He was always there with unwavering loyalty and beautiful words that made any situation that much better.

Her breathing hitched in her throat, as she struggled with herself. Slowly, Kate found herself pulling back. She was quickly met with a look of concern from Castle. She stopped breathing as he slowly leant forwards and for a moment, she felt that he was going to kiss her. In fact, she was sure of it. But suddenly he stopped. His forehead brushed ever so gently against hers, and he reached up to place his hands on either side of her face. Kate's eyes closed in complete relaxation. He felt warm. So warm against her. But as soon as that thought crossed her mind, it was pushed out of the way as she got lost in his words.

"Kate," he breathed as he pulled away. "There's something we need to talk about."

"Okay," Kate's breathing hitched in the middle of the word, and her voice cracked. "That's good, because there's something I need to tell you." Castle let his hands fall away from her face and pulled away slightly so that he could meet Kate's eyes.

"You know that I care about you right?" Castle breathed softly. "But not just that… You know that I love you, don't you?" he tried to correct himself.

Kate's heart stopped all over again, only this time she was fortunate enough to be able to regain her normal rhythm rather quickly. Still, she felt as if all of her walls were crashing down. How could she not fall to a puddle at his feet?

Kate swallowed, trying to pull herself together enough to speak the words. With a determination, Kate opened her mouth to speak, but Castle stopped her before she had the chance, with a finger to her lips.

"Don't… okay?" he pleaded softly, "You don't have to say anything. I don't want to put you in that position... not right now. I… I just needed you to know how I feel." Despite the fact that Kate's head was suddenly a mess, she managed a nod. Her hands started shaking as he leant forwards. Before Kate could react he framed her face with his hands again. His touch was so incredibly gentle, ghosting over her flushed cheeks. His thumbs swept over her ears, just as they did the night they first kissed. For a minute, she thought that he was going to do it again, and she found herself yearning for it so. But again he surprised her. He leant forwards, brushing his lips in the lightest of kisses on her forehead.

"Rick," Kate growled with some annoyance, "For goodness sake… just…kiss me!"

Suddenly Kate felt so frustrated. Her body and her mind were crying out for more. Why not kiss her, when his lips were so close to where she wanted them? As he started to pull away once more, Kate roughly reached out and didn't let him retreat. With her hands, she pulled him into her, using the lapels of his shirt. Kate could tell that he was surprised by her forwardness, but she didn't care. Instead of letting it discourage her, she kissed him with everything that she could muster. Kate's tongue slipped out and persistently begged for entrance until Castle yielded and gave her what it was that she wanted. Suddenly their tongues tangled together, silken muscles battling for control, and Kate did her best to explore the confines of him at the same time. She found his mouth to be so warm and inviting that she found herself giving him everything she had until her brain started to scream for oxygen. It was with the biggest regret that she had to extract herself from something so unbelievably perfect. Kate didn't even realize that she'd been making noises until Castle moaned himself, at the loss. Finally, their eyes locked and neither of them could look away. Rick looked stunned, and about a million other things. Kate couldn't seem to make sense of all the emotions sweeping across his face, but for the most part, they seemed to be good. Kate's chest was heaving up and down. It was so clichéd, she knew, but Kate was definitely speechless and feeling a bit turned on. If only she knew how difficult she was making it for Castle to do what it is that he'd come to do.

"You look exhausted," Kate said finally, as her eyes raked over him. "And so am I? Why don't you come to bed with me," the words and the invitation were spilling out of her mouth before she could stop them. "We can talk there." Castle swallowed, his throat feeling more dry than he could ever remember. There was no mistaking the context, as he saw the way Kate's pupils were dilated. She wanted him.

"Kate," Castle pulled away. "No." Then. "I can't."

"Since when does Richard Castle ever say no?" Kate asked pointedly before trying to argue her case in other ways. She took his lips in a demanding kiss, as she tried to persuade him. Again, the sounds that escaped her were unmistakably laced with want and desire.

"I…I can't," Castle managed to choke out as he pulled away and withdrew from the kiss, staving her off long enough to utter the words. "Kate, I can't do this." Castle's breathing was coming in loud pants now, his whole body crying out at the loss of contact. He didn't want it to happen this way. Kate deserved better than this.

"What? Why?" Castle tried not to wince as he saw the look of hurt and rejection on her features.

"Because that's not why I came here. I came here to fix things. And as much as I want to go to bed with you, I realize that it that going to fix _anything_." Kate jumped off the couch, her eyes blinking rapidly. Castle swallowed a large gulp of air, as he pushed himself up. His heart clenched painfully in his chest, and he felt like such a horrible person. At the same time, he could not bring himself to do this to Kate. It would not be fair of him to string her along, make her fall for him, and not tell her the truth. He didn't want to keep secrets from her. If something was going to happen between them, he wanted her to know first.

"Because the truth is? That I came here to end things," Castle breathed. He felt like even more of a jerk as Kate turned away from him. He heard a soft gasp fall from her lips as the sting of his words set in. He could only assume that it felt like a slap across the case. "Please don't get me wrong. I…I love you, Kate. I love you so much that I don't think that I could ever possibly tell you that enough. That's why I have to end this now, before I really wind up hurting you."

"Too late," Kate spat back with slight venom as tears built uncontrollably in her eyes.

"I know. I know," Castle breathed as he sank back down. "I would understand if you hate me." A long moment passed without any reply. Castle could only surmise that she did hate him. "I… I uh… won't bother you at work anymore, if that's what you want…"

"That's just it," Kate laughed painfully. "I don't want you to leave me alone. Despite what you think, I don't hate you. I could never… Rick, I… I could never hate you!" A beat as Kate considered her next words, "Believe me! I've tried! But I can't… And frankly? I'm not about to give up on us now! Not after everything we've been through."

"Kate," Castle continued to argue, "Don't you see? You can do so much better." Kate shook her head forcefully back and forth. "I hurt you. I keep hurting you. Even when I try not to and I just…"

"Stop," Kate interjected. "Just stop! That's a bullshit excuse and you know it!"

"Don't you get it?" Castle asked in frustration. "I don't deserve you. I can't possibly deserve you. I…I'm a screw up, Kate. I… I ruin everything. If you stay with me you're only going to get hurt. And you deserve so much better. You… You're amazing, determined, and extraordinary. You can have anyone you want. Anyone."

"You're not listening to me, Rick," Kate yelled angrily, as she battled the searing pain ripping through her chest. "I feel the same way about you. I love you! And the fact is that I don't want anyone else, okay? I thought we covered this already. I want you! Just you!" Kate finally managed to choke out as she took his hands in hers, "And there's no way in hell I'm going to let you talk me out of it." Kate said stubbornly. "I nearly lost you once because I was so afraid of the intensity of my feelings for you. I'm not going to lose you now. Not ever." Kate's voice broke.

"Kate," the reaction she got from him was completely unexpected. He pulled away from her completely, breaking all contact. Kate felt a searing pain work its way across her chest. Tears spilled from her eyes.

"Don't tell me you don't remember what it took for me to figure it out! You scared me half to death. I was afraid I'd waited too long." She took a deep breath and moved closer. "And I'm sorry. Because after that, we fell into this limbo… We weren't exclusive, but I saw you as mine. I should have told you just how much I loved you. I should have told you more often. Because, Rick? I do. I love you, and I'm not letting you go."

"You can't mean that," Rick breathed, "You don't mean that."

"Why?" Kate couldn't help but feel angry, "Why can't I, Rick? Why do you get to say it, and I don't?"

"Katherine," Rick's voice softened. "Please…" He was begging now. "Don't…"

"Don't what?" Kate challenged her eyes flashing as tears spilled over onto her cheeks. Castle's heart clenched painfully in his chest, and he nearly doubled over with the agony of it. He couldn't stand to see her in such pain. It felt like it was killing him. He didn't know how to explain it to her. He wished that she could understand. He thought that maybe if she didn't love him that she would be spared from all of it. He wanted to spare her from the pain he was feeling himself.

"Don't cry," he pleaded with her as he stepped forwards, lifting a hand to wipe away her tears. "I love you so much. God, it seems like all I ever do is hurt you."

"That's not true," Kate attempted to argue. "I mean sure, we've hurt eachother a lot, but you also made me so very happy. You make me happy." Castle's head bowed as he took in her words.

"What can I say to make you understand?" He took a deep breath. "Kate," Castle's voice broke. "I…I'm trying to help you. I'm giving you a chance to walk away from this without any guilt whatsoever."

"Walk away?" Kate's brow furrowed in utter confusion. "Rick," Kate's brow furrowed in utter confusion. It seemed to be that he was spouting nonsense. "Why are you so sure that you'll hurt me?" Kate's hand darted out to his caress his cheek.

"I told you," Castle answered shortly, almost angrily. He was getting so frustrated that Kate was making things so difficult. He'd expected her to back down, but she'd done anything but. "I'm afraid that I'll hurt you because I'm a screw-up. Because I can never do anything right." He groaned, as he ran his hand roughly through his hair in sheer anguish. Kate reached out to him, trying to calm him with her touch. Kate swallowed thickly as her hand encountered burning flesh, a raging heat, and she quickly recoiled. She looked at Castle with intense scrutiny, her eyes searching his. "My god, Castle! You're burning up," Kate swallowed. And Castle let out a ragged breath of near surrender. "Are you still sick?" Kate whispered worriedly, seemingly shifting into a mothering mode. "You should really go back to the doctor's office. I mean… You should really be better by now." Kate started to stand, planning to pick her phone up from where she'd set it down on the table by the door.

"Kate, no," Castle's hand darted out and latched onto her wrist, tugging her back down. "Stop it, okay?" He commanded. "I'm fine."

"No you're not," Kate argued as she fought him. "I'm calling Lanie."

"No," he pulled her back down a second time. "Let it go."

"Why?" Kate's eyes flashed, as she fought to pull away. "You need a doctor, or at the very least, you need to let me get you some Tylenol or something." Sweat trickled down the side of Castle's jaw, causing him to feel even more irritated.

"Kate," Castle's voice was strained. "Just stop and listen to me for a minute." Kate plopped back down onto the couch.

"Okay, fine," Kate huffed, "What do you have to say that's more important than your own well-being?"

"A lot, actually," Castle replied with a quirk of a smile. However, the smile quickly fell from his lips when her eyes met his. "It has to do with the other reason I came here tonight," Castle admitted.

"Oh… really," Kate muttered.

"Yes," Castle replied forcefully, "really." He took a moment to breath before trying to say what it was that he knew he needed to say.

"Look, there's something else that I need to tell you." He could see the worry, the anxiousness in them. She sensed something was wrong. He silently wondered if she already knew. He wondered if she already figured it out and was so very devastated by the notion that she repressed it. Perhaps, it was why she clung to the initial cover story so tightly. It wasn't the flu. "Kate, I…" Castle's voice broke as he gently took her hand in his. "God," Castle whined, "Why does this have to be so hard?" Kate's stomach sank as she saw the torment and conflict pass through Castle's expression.

"Just say whatever it is you need to say," Kate encouraged softly, "Castle, it's okay. Whatever it is… I promise." She gave his hand a soft squeeze. "Hell, if I've handled everything else you've thrown at me tonight, then I think I can handle whatever it is you're about to say."

Castle tried to gather up the courage. He turned himself sideways on the couch, wanting to face her appropriately. This was going to change everything, and he didn't know what the outcome would be. Castle opened his mouth to speak, but his throat and mouth was so painfully dry, he couldn't manage.

"Going to a doctor isn't going to help," Castle choked out finally. "The truth is that I…I'm not going to get better, Kate." A beat. "At least not for a while," he amended softly. "In fact? Things will get probably get worse before they get better. And to be honest? I'm just not sure how bad they're going to get." He swallowed. "I… I hoped that you would take the out I gave you, and that you would walk away, but Alexis intervened, and you're so damned stubborn, and now it seems like everything has gone out the door."

"Rick," Kate shook her head, "You're rambling. And normally I wouldn't care, but I'm confused. Why won't going to a doctor help?" Kate asked quietly, her expression full of worry.

"Because it's not the flu," Castle muttered, the truth finally coming out. "Kate, I'm so so sorry for lying to you, but I didn't know how to tell you," he apologized. "I was just so afraid to tell you because I…I'm scared that this is going to be it. I'm scared that this is going to be the one thing that separates us for good." Kate waited, feeling something rise up in her. It was the hollow feeling in the pit of her stomach, the one that she kept shoving down over and over again since her conversation with Alexis.

"Separate us how?" Kate asked confusedly. "Geez, Castle," Kate breathed, "You…You're scaring me. I mean… You make it sound like you're leaving me forever or something." The words were out before she even realized how it sounded. Kate felt sick, her hand moving to hover over her stomach. 'No,' her mind cried out. That was absurd. Rick was young, healthy, and vivacious. He was one of the most youthful and vibrant people she knew. He had a beautiful soul that often made her feel like a kid again whenever she was with him. "Oh god," Kate shook her head, quick to retract her statement. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I-I have no idea where that came from."

"No, it's okay," Castle, breathed. "You're not far off actually." Castle's voice cracked. Kate just stared, not sure if what she was experiencing was real. It suddenly felt like a bad dream, a nightmare.

"Wake up," Kate told herself repeatedly under her breath, as she averted her eyes to the floor. "Wake up. Wake up…"

"Kate," Castle sighed, holding her eyes. He squeezed her hand, which still hovered over his right knee. She closed her eyes. "Katherine," he pleaded softly, coaxing her with the smooth tone of his voice. "Please look at me." Tears pooled in Kate's eyes. The softness in his voice, the patience, it resonated in her and she knew. She finally knew what had been eating her alive for the past week. And now, she wished more than anything that she could go back to not-knowing. God, it hurt so much. Slowly, painfully, Kate lifted her eyes from the floor. She could feel Castle's hand release hers. He lifted it to her chin, brushing his thumb along her chin as he gently turned her face. Her delicate features and the muscles in her jaw and forehead winced as she fought back tears. She nearly lost it a couple of times.

"I… I have cancer," he breathed, his voice hardly above a whisper.

With those words, Kate's heart stopped beating. She felt her heart sputter in her chest. A second later her heart lurched back to life, beating harder in an effort to compensate for its missed beat. All Kate could do was stare at him, her jaw opening a small fraction in shock. No. She hadn't heard him correctly. It couldn't be right. And yet, Kate knew it was. She knew he was telling her the truth. He was finally letting her in.

"I… I don't understand," Kate managed to choke out, her throat burning. It felt like a white-hot knife had lodged itself in her chest. The pain was worse than she could remember. Hell, even the bullet that had ripped its way through her chest had hurt less than this. At least then she'd had an excuse to complain about the discomfort. This… This was something else entirely.

She immediately thought of Lanie. She thought about the conversation they'd had just over a year ago. A conversation in which Lanie had told her to tell Castle how she felt, a conversation in which Lanie had also explained to her that everyone has plans, but that time was really an illusion. No one ever really had time. The truth was, that anything can happen. Things happen. People get sick. People die. And now the man that she wants to marry someday, to spend the rest of her life with, was sick, maybe even dying. She felt an unbearable anger surge up inside of her.

"I have cancer." Castle repeated. This time the words were spoken with undeniable clarity, and could not be mistaken. Kate's heart stopped beating again. All she could do was stare at him, her jaw falling open in shock. No. She hadn't heard him right. It couldn't be right. "Leukemia," he commented after a short pause. "I uhh…I found out about a week ago, and I… I uhh… I have an appointment tomorrow morning to talk over treatment options."

"It can't be… No," Kate shook her head adamantly proclaiming that, "You can't have cancer. You… Cas, you're perfectly healthy. You have one of the most vivacious kindred spirits that I've ever known. You can't be sick. There has to be some sort of mistake."

"Kate," Castle's voice was incredibly soft, sympathetic.

"No!" Kate yelled. "I'm serious… This. This is some sort of sick joke, right? Rick? P-Please tell me that it isn't true because I don't think that I can handle this. I just can't…"

"As much as I want to tell you this isn't happening, I can't." Castle spoke sadly. "I've seen the test results. Lanie confirmed it."

"Lanie knows?" Kate couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice. "Who else knows?"

"Just you, Martha, and Alexis," Castle swallowed, "Kate, I wanted to tell you. I really did, but I needed to process it first. This is… This is really scary for me and I… I struggled with telling you. I'm so sorry."

"I don't understand," Kate's voice broke in a sob. She couldn't hold it in anymore. "This … It came out of nowhere."

"I know," Castle, agreed, "I know it did." Castle met Kate's shimmering eyes and spoke his next words very slowly. "And as much as I want to tell you this isn't happing, I can't. I can't look you in the eye and tell you it's not happening because this _is_ happening to me. I have Acute Mylogenous Leukemia. Specifically? I have Monocytic Leukemia," he commented after a short pause. "Kate, I'm so sorry." Kate struggled to breathe as she realized just how serious this was.

Castle's voice cracked as he added. "I… I know I shouldn't be admitting this, but I'm so scared. I'm more scared than I've ever been in my whole life and I just… I don't know how far I can plan into the future."

"Shh," Kate breathed, her mind was a mess as she tried to process everything he told her. She wrapped her arms around him, and let him bury his head in her shoulder. "It's okay. It's okay to be scared. But I'm here. Rick, I'm right here."

"Kate," Castle breathed.

"Shh," she quieted him. She squeezed her arms tighter around him, listening to him whimper. She couldn't even fathom what Rick was going through, the sort of war he'd been fighting against himself since he'd found out. "If I'm being honest?" Rick breathed. "At first I thought it was just some sick joke too, you know? I mean… apparently, it's quite rare to be diagnosed when you're under 40. But I guess that I must have just had the luck of the draw."

"Rick," Kate's voice held more emotion in it in that moment than he could ever remember. The bottom fell out from under it. It came out sounding strangled and forced. This time she buried her face in his neck and he wrapped his arms around her as her shoulders shook with silent cries. Each sob seemed to rip away at his heart. He closed his eyes, struggling not to cry himself, but he lost it. Feeling as helpless as he was, he just couldn't.

"How bad is it?" she asked in a cracked voice, inbetween breaks. "I mean… What stage are you in?"

"I'm not," he breathed, not wanting to lay anything else on her shoulders. He pulled away slowly, trying to explain it to her in words she would understand. "With Leukemia, the severity of the disease isn't categorized in stages. All I know is that it is an aggressive form of cancer that depends on a lot of different factors. And for that very same reason, they want to start treatment soon. Tomorrow we're supposed to go through my test results and come up with a treatment plan. And then, I have every reason to believe everything is going to happen pretty fast."

"How fast?"

"I could start chemotherapy as soon as next week," Castle replied.

"Next week?" Kate repeated, looking lost. Castle gazed into her eyes and frowned. He could feel her pulling away. She was in some unreachable place deep in her mind.

"Yeah," Castle replied. "They really don't waste any time, do they?" he joked, although it was a poor attempt at humor. "It's all a little overwhelming, but it's supposed to give me the best chance at survival." Kate opened her mouth to say something, but words seemed to fail her.

"It's okay," Castle spoke sadly. "It's a lot to deal with at once. I'm actually quite relieved that you're handling it this well."

"Handling it?" Kate spat out vehemently, recoiling from his touch. She stood up, silently fuming. Somehow, the word disgusted her. "I'm not handling it, Rick!" Kate bit out as she picked up her empty wine glass and chucked it across the room. Castle recoiled as it shattered. "I can't!" the sob escaped Kate's lips as she lifted her hand up to her mouth. She bit down, hoping to hold back another sob and failed. Rick stared at her, watching her come apart. He suddenly realized that all of her feelings were coming out, whether he liked it or not. "I love you!" The words came out in a strangled broken sob as his hand fell away. "I've finally pulled myself together enough to try for a relationship and then this happens. I can't even tell you what that feels like." Kate's trembling hands reached up to wipe furiously at her cheeks.

"Try," Rick said calmly as he stood up and walked over to her.

"I can't!" Kate choked out, as she pulled away from him. He felt her rejection as surely as if she'd slapped him in the face. And suddenly, he regretted telling her. He knew this would happen. He knew she would be devastated, and that, as much as he tried to stop it that she was going to reconstruct the walls around her to block out the pain.

"Kate," Rick swallowed, nearly choking on the name. "I know. I know how you're feeling right now because I've felt it too. But it's going to be okay. I… I'm going to be okay. The doctors are very reassuring. They said that they caught it early." Kate shook her head over and over, desperately wishing she didn't have to listen to all of these things. "Kate," Castle was quickly losing hope. He let out a defeated sigh. "Please…"

"Rick," Kate's voice held more emotion in it in that moment than he could ever remember. It came out sounding wrong, as if that were possible. Again, a pain seized his chest. The way she'd spoken his name. It left little doubt in his mind.

"Don't," he pleaded. "Don't say my name like that." Castle's voice broke again.

"Like what, Rick?" Kate asked numbly, wondering what she had done wrong. "Like you just told me you have cancer? For god's sake… what exactly did you expect?"

"I-I don't know," Castle lied. "Not this. Anything but this." Castle looked away as tears broke through the dam and started flowing freely, flooding his vision in blurs of color. "Please don't pity me." He said just as emotionally. "Katie, I…I need you."

Kate tore her eyes away as she failed to keep the tears away. They flooded and spilled over her eyes. She wiped them away. "I can't," Katie breathed traitorously. "I can't… I just can't…" Kate choked out.

"Okay," Castle whispered. "Okay," Rick repeated as his heart shattered to a thousand pieces in his chest. He knew it was better this way. "Then you don't have to. It was wrong of me to think that you could do this. I…I'm sorry." He turned towards the door, wanting nothing more than to get out of there.

"Rick, no!" Kate suddenly rushed forwards, trying to keep him from leaving. She wasn't thinking clearly. She knew now the damage she'd done with her words. She just felt so lost. She didn't know if she could handle it. It was scary and sudden, but by god she was going to try to be there for him. She had to because she loved him more than anything else in the world.

"I should go," he stated firmly. "It's getting late." Then another apology.

"Rick, listen to me," Kate pleaded. Castle shook his head adamantly. He couldn't. He couldn't listen, because he was shutting down too.

"Let me go," Castle pleaded as her surprisingly strong hands seized him. He knew that he'd bruise heavily where her hand held his wrist in a vice grip. Still, he tugged. He fought. His words held a hint of a challenge to them.

Kate wanted more than anything to stop him, but she seemed to be frozen. He shook his head sadly, before leaning forwards to plant a kiss on her cheek. "It's okay," he reassured her. "I'll call you soon," he promised as he pulled away for the last time, walked past her, and out of her apartment. When the door shut behind him Kate's legs finally gave out underneath her and she sank to the ground, her body wracking in continuous sobs.

When Lanie found her minutes later, she was curled up on the couch, crying. Kate typically wasn't one for comfort. In fact, any time that she was emotionally compromised she preferred to be alone. She didn't like anyone to see her when she was at her worst, but when Lanie opened her arms; Kate sank into them gratefully and cried.

It was late, in the wee hours of the morning when Castle awoke to a pounding on his own door. He hadn't been woken, really, as he hadn't been able to fall asleep. In fact, he'd had to settle for tossing and turning on his couch as he watched mind numbing infomercials on his TV. He sat for a long time on his couch, gathering himself before walking over to it. Part of him already knew who would be there when he opened his door. He just didn't know what would happen from here on out. His hand shook as it reached out for the handle, but he managed to calm himself after a long moment's concentration. Finally, with a flourish he pulled open the door. Unfortunately, nothing could ever really prepare him for the sight his eyes met.

"Kate," his voice fell, as his heart clenched painfully. He hardly recognized the woman standing in front of him. She looked utterly and completely broken, and for some reason, it shocked him.

"You were right," Kate admitted finally. "When you said that it's just not enough to believe anymore." Then she whispered, "It's not enough. Not even close" Castle stepped forwards; lifting his hands to Kate's face to wipe away the tears that she didn't even seem to notice were still falling. "I am just so sorry. I'm so sorry." Kate cried. Each cry seemed to cause Castle's heart to wrench painfully in his chest. The agony was unbearable. They were both miserable, both broken, and it just seemed like maybe what they needed to fix them was eachother. "I should have told you a long time ago," Kate hiccupped. "I love you. Rick, I love you so much."

"Shh," Castle breathed as he wrapped her arms around her. "It's okay. It's going to be okay." Then. "I love you too."

"Rick," Kate rasped out as he led her to the couch and gathered her in his arms, cradling her against his chest. "It wasn't pity."

"What?" he asked finally, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"It wasn't pity that I was looking at you with," Kate managed. "It was sadness, and regret, and love and so much more." Kate swallowed. "And it was anger… I was angry at myself. Because all this time, I've thought that I had all the time in the world to figure things out. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasted all this time."

"Shh," Castle attempted to calm her. "It's okay. Kate, it's going to be okay. I promise." Then he added quietly, in as soothing a manner as he could muster in his own emotional state. "I would wait forever to be with you, if I had to. I would. Frankly, I'm just happy to have you now."

"All of this is just so unfair," Kate's voice broke again. "It's not fair…" Kate sniffled.

"I know," Castle replied in a soothing voice. Kate buried her face deep into the crook of Rick's neck, struggling for oxygen, as his hands rubbed soothing circles on her back. "It's okay. It's going to be okay." He pulled back slightly, reaching up to wipe her tears away with the pad of his thumb. When his eyes met hers, something shifted between them. Kate's hands brushed gently against his chest as she ran them up to his shoulders. Carefully, she pulled herself closer, as her breaths grew shallow. She brushed her lips against his, and he quickly reciprocated. They stood there for a long minute, kissing softly. As they pulled away, their eyes met again.

"I'm staying," Kate announced softly. "I'm not going anywhere. Not tonight. Not ever."

"Kate," Castle breathed her name softly.

"I told Captain Gates I needed the week off," Kate revealed. "I'll have to figure out what to do after that, but I promise you that you won't have to go through this alone." Kate paused. "I mean… I know that you have your mother and Alexis, and that you may not need me, but…" Castle silenced her with a finger to his lips.

"I need you," Castle asserted. "Kate, I will _always_ need you. That's not going to change."

"Then consider me a permanent fixture," Kate replied honestly.

"I don't know what to say," Castle admitted softly, his voice breaking.

"Promise me you'll fight," Kate whispered. "Promise me you won't ever leave me."

"Katie," he swallowed, his voice thick with emotion. "You have no idea how much I want to… to promise you that." A beat as he tried to collect himself. "It's just that…"

"Rick, I need you too."

Castle opened his mouth to speak, but Kate cut him off, pulling him into another passionate kiss, filled with need.

"I need you," Kate whispered as the kiss broke. She ran her hands over his hips as she nuzzled his neck.

"Now," Kate whispered softly. It was then and only then that Castle understood the context in which she meant those words. His back stiffened as he realized she was talking about him.

"Kate," he cleared his throat softly. "You can't mean what I think you mean…" he stumbled over his words. "You… You're upset. I…I don't think that you really want…"

"No," Kate shook her head. "I know how I feel. And I'm asking you…. Please." Then. "Are you really going to tell me no, Rick?" Rick met Kate's eyes and saw the vulnerability that she was looking back at him with. It was then that he realized that he needed her too. For just one moment, Castle wanted to feel as if he were alive. NO. He _needed_ to feel alive. He needed to feel something other than the resignation, the fear that he'd been living with this last week, and he knew that if anyone could make him feel alive, if anyone could make the horror go away for just a moment, that it would be Kate. He stared back and her a long moment, letting the emotions he was experiencing go unvoiced. He considered his face to be an open book, as he too took on a look of sheer vulnerability. Neither of them really needed to say anything more. They were getting better at communicating without words. Softly, he kissed her, pulled back, and then kissed her as if his life depended on it. He ran his hands under her shirt and over her stomach, feeling the muscles ripple beneath his fingertips.

"Okay," he breathed finally as he pulled back. "Come with me," he coaxed as he took her hand in his. As they crossed the threshold of the bedroom, and the door closed behind them, clothes were shed, and heated kisses were exchanged. In a lot of ways the dance that they made, started to heal them of the hurt they felt. It gave them comfort in a way that words could not. Overall, the lovemaking was slow, sensuous. Kate wanted to take it easy on him, to make sure she didn't hurt him. It was a lament to the pain that they both felt inside, and to the love that they shared. And it was more beautiful than either one of them could have expected.

Neither one of them knew what was in store for them tomorrow, for the next week, the next month, but they knew that no matter what, they had each other.

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><p><em><strong>AN: So that's it for now! The secret is out, and things have only just begun. The doctor's appointment and the aftermath are next. There was lots of drama, lots of angst, and I can honestly say that there's more to come. I hope you guys liked these two chapters, and I hope that you will take a moment to hit the review button and say a few words. :)<strong>_


	9. Faithfully

Title: **The World You Love**  
>Category: TV Shows » Castle<br>Author: caskettinacastle  
>Language: English, Rating: Rated: T<br>Genre: Drama

_**Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe. This is just me writing for the heck of it. (I'm not making any profit from it. I promise!)**_

_**Spoilers: Through end of Season 4**_

_**Rating: (Not really sure what its going to be. For now, I'll rate it T!)**_

_**Chapter 7: Faithfully**_

_**AN: So I finally have a rather lengthily update for you all. It contains a little bit of everything, starting with some fluff at the beginning to some drama and angst later on. The main highlight of this chapter includes Castle's huge doctor's appointment. I think there are several really important moments in this chapter. I had a really hard time writing something I was super satisfied with, which is why I spent so much time editing. I really really hope that you guys like this update. I will try and post again soon, but in the mean time I'm hoping this will tide you over. So, by all means, have a blast! **_

_**P.S. Thanks again for all of the wonderful reviews/comments! And thank you to all of you who have signed up for story alerts, and favorited the story. It means a lot to me. It really does! I will continue to try and make sure that I do this story the justice it deserves! **_

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><p>Castle let out a soft moan, taking a full-bodied and ravenous breath that becomes natural in states of complete relaxation. His body moved indolently as his mind began its transition between dream and reality. The progression was slow, mainly due to Castle's reluctance to let go of sleep and the wonderful dream he had been having. Castle took another rapacious breath as the most luscious smell met his nose. It was sweet, delicate, a perfect mixture of cherry and vanilla. All he knew, was that he couldn't seem to get enough of the intoxicating smell.<p>

In addition to the smell, Castle also felt the penetrating warmth of a body pressed up against his side. He could feel his skin tingle, and start to burn, against the inferno that was the body next to his. With his eyes still clamped shut, Castle's hand started to move up and down in a gentle caress, his fingers dancing over warm, soft, heated skin. He swallowed thickly, his throat constricting as the pads of his fingers grazed over the softest skin he'd ever been permitted to touch. Every curve and delineation of the body next to him was perfect, gentle. The sloping of her hips, stomach and breasts were all those he would have previously associated with a divine woman. And for this very reason, Castle found it hard to breathe. For a long time, Castle kept his eyes shut tightly. He didn't dare open his eyes out of fear that everything would disappear.

The body next to him was warm, but Castle was warmer. For all he knew, Castle could have had molten lava running through his veins. Sweat coated his body in a thin sheen. Enough to trickle down his jaw and collect in small pools in the small fissure between his neck and sternum. Castle's body shuddered slightly as the air kicked on in the apartment, sending a wisp of cool air into his bedroom that sank heavily down to the floor. It was the gentlest movement of air, hardly any at all in fact, but the contrast was enough to send a shiver hurtling up Castle's spine.

Castle's breath caught momentarily in his throat at the memory of experiencing shivers just like it. He remembered the way Kate's touches had intensified all of his senses, how his body had quivered under her touch. The base of his spine tingled, just at the memory of it.

Castle took another breath, shifting slightly in discontent, as he sought to fall back into sleep. He wanted nothing more than to fall back into the perfect dream he'd been having. Castle moaned again as he reminisced in it. His mouth started to water as he remembered gazing longingly into beautiful, piercing hazel eyes, and remembered tasting sweet pliant, and demanding lips. He let himself drown in the heady sensations of hands roaming over naked flesh, moans of passion and need, and the sound of Kate moaning his name. God, it had been such a good dream. Castle burrowed his face deeper into the pillow, trying to offset the warm orange glow permeating his thin eyelids.

The contrast between the cool air of his bedroom and the fiery warmth of the body at his hip left his body torn between two sensations. Castle craved more warmth and snuggled further into the body that lay on him. Heat radiated from the two bodies that both felt so warm and soft. Warm. Castle had to have more warmth.

Castle's body shifted on the mattress, and as a direct consequence so did the body next to him. Castle could feel the slumbering body next to him shift slightly before settling back into his side. He was having such a good dream.

A head full of beautiful wavy, honey colored hair lay fanned out on Castle's chest, while the occupant's arm was draped lazily around his middle. For another long moment, Castle savored the smell and the feel of the woman's body, noting the way that she fit against him so perfectly. Kate stirred, moaning lightly in her sleep as Castle began to run his fingers soothingly through soft, wavy hair. Kate was so beautiful that there were still times Castle found it hard to breathe in her presence.

Castle suddenly froze, every muscle in his body tightening as the hand draped possessively over his midsection, squeezed and pulled him closer to the body beside him. He hardly dared to breathe as he seemingly realized for the first time that he wasn't alone. It wasn't some dream. Whatever had happened between himself and Kate last night hadn't been a dream. It was real. Castle's heart nearly stopped at the notion.

Castle's eyelids flickered open a few seconds later, and he squinted as the warm prominent rays of the sun met his eyes. He'd forgotten to close the drapes last night, and as a result, daylight spilled abundantly into the room, lighting all the nooks and crannies of his bedroom. For a long moment, the contrast burned his eyes, and caused him to squint against the warm rays. He turned his head away from the window, and let his eyes wander over furniture and other objects in his room. Eventually his eyes settled on a spot on the wall located on Kate's other side, with an expression on his features that was a cross between elation and fear. Everything seemed so surreal.

He let out a sleepy yawn and shifted positions again. Kate was lying on his right arm, and Rick carefully extracted it from beneath the slumbering brunette. Castle tenderly flexed the muscles in his right hand; trying to remedy the crippling numbness he was experiencing. He could only assume that his arm had fallen asleep at some point during the course of the night. Castle froze again, his heart beginning to thunder in his chest as Kate shifted again in sleep. She nuzzled him softly as if she could mold herself to his every curvature. Every nerve ending in Castle's hypersensitive body lit up in frenzy, acknowledging his growing arousal as heated skin rubbed ever so gently against heated skin. The hand draped around his midsection suddenly slid upwards, settling high on Castle's stomach, as her cheek glided effortlessly over Castle's chest, where it eventually settled over his heart. A hiss of air left Castle's lungs, and Rick closed his eyes for a long moment, trying to collect his thoughts. She was practically lying across him now, effectively pinning him to the bed.

Carefully, Castle shifted, trying not to wake the slumbering body on top of him. With a quavering breath, Castle gently reached out, his fingers pulling Kate's hair away from her face so that he could see all of the perfect and delicate lines of her face. Castle's throat suddenly grew painfully dry as his eyes met the serene expression of the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen. It never got old. He decided that watching her sleep, was one of his favorite things. With a gentle touch, Castle let his hand slide down her chest and stomach, causing Kate to moan appreciatively in her sleep.

Castle swallowed thickly, scarcely believing they'd spent the whole night together, in a mess of tangled limbs and bed sheets. It had been a long time since they were last together in a physical manner, almost a month actually, but now he hoped that would change. They'd been doing this dance for months, for years. And it seemed as if they were doomed to ill timing. But over time, the rules and boundaries they set for their relationship had been broken. The wall had come down. And Kate had finally admitted that she wanted him.

Castle's heart started to race at the memory. "I just want you." That night had changed everything. It had started with him thinking that things between then were over, and that he had to move on. It had ended with Kate showing up at his apartment, offering apologies and frantic kisses. It had ended with a very physical declaration of their love. It was clumsy a little rushed. After all, the tension that built between them for nearly four years spurred them into a sort of frenzy. But when they slowed it down, it was the most beautiful and dreamlike experience Castle had ever had…with anyone.

Kate let out another sleepy moan, bring Castle back to the present. Castle sighed as Kate's lips parted slightly and she took in a deep breath. The noise itself did more to substantiate the tightness of Castle's abdomen, and he silently berated himself for wanting to take advantage of this situation.

He was still tired. Exhausted even. After all, by the time they had worked through the emotional aspects of last night it was already morning. And of course the night didn't end there. Castle figured that at most, they'd only gotten a couple hours of sleep. He closed his eyes, as his mind sluggishly played back last night's events. He remembered it all.

A chill shot up Castle's spine, and he let out a breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding. Despite Kate's reassurances, fear still bubbled up inside him. What if she changed her mind? What if she couldn't handle what happened next? Castle was about to extricate himself from her, but then caught himself as he realized that his fears were unfounded. She'd come to him. After everything, Kate had come back to him.

Castle looked back over towards the window, still squinting at the large amount of light spilling into the room. He could see the wrinkles around Kate's eyes, as Kate's she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block it out. Castle quickly decided that the least he could do was remedy the situation and let the beautiful angel in his bed get a little more sleep before he had to ultimately wake her.

With great care, Castle slid out from beneath who he considered to be the most beautiful women in the world. He kissed Kate softly on the forehead as the younger woman settled back into the pillows. Castle pulled back the covers on his side of the bed and tried to slip out from beneath them without making a sound. When that was accomplished, he tip-toed across the floor as he walked over to the window to close the blinds. He slid them shut carefully, and then moved around in the dark, opening the drawers of his dresser where he knew that he could find some of his clothes. He slipped into a pair of deep navy boxers and a tight white undershirt. And then, he spared one last look of adulation at Kate's sleeping form before starting for the door. Unfortunately, he never completed his escape.

"No. Don't get up yet. Come back to bed," Kate commanded softly as she let out a soft moan and her eyes flickered open. Castle stared at Kate, wondering how long she'd actually been awake. An expression of surprise swept across Castle's features. He could see the challenge in her eyes, and his heart started to race out of nervousness as he felt her eyes watching his every movement. Carefully, Castle walked towards the bed, and perched himself on the edge of the mattress. Kate's eyes were already closed again.

Castle allowed himself to admire her stunning beauty for a moment before he gave in and reached out to touch her. This seemed to be what Kate had been waiting for, because Kate immediately latched onto his arm and pulled Castle down on the bed next to her. Castle let out a gasp of surprise and fought against gravity for a moment before he ultimately gave in and let himself be pulled backwards until he was laying flat on his back. Kate let out a victorious giggle and, Castle rolled over so that he was facing the sleepy-eyed detective. A smile pulled his lips upwards in an entrancing smile as he snuggled up to her again.

"Mmm, Castle," Kate hummed sleepily. Castle was grateful as Kate's eyes opened and stayed open long enough for him to truly admire them. Hazel met blue, and Castle could hardly breathe as Kate reached out for Castle's hands. Kate took them gently in hers, running her thumb over his knuckles. "I could really get used to this," Kate breathed sleepily, as her eyes patiently held Castle's. Castle could only let out a sleepy moan, before he could gather his thoughts enough to reply.

"Me too." Castle held his breath as Kate scooted closer "God, you're so beautiful."

"Ri-" Kate didn't get the chance to finish his name. Somehow, Castle had slipped a hand around her neck, and had pulled her forwards. Lips brushed together in a whisper of a kiss. It was tentative, exploratory. Castle just wanted to remember what it felt like. For some reason, when he was with Kate, every time felt like the first time. His stomach still did flip-flops, and somersaults when she kissed him. He wanted to memorize every sensation, be it touch or sound.

Kate pulled back first, a breath escaping from her parted lips. Castle could see something change in Kate's eyes, and he worried that she was rethinking her choice to stay. However, before Castle had much of a chance to contemplate Kate's possible rejection, Kate's lips were back on his. And this time, the kiss wasn't so gentle. Kate moaned into Rick's mouth as her tongue slipped inside, to explore the perfect, warm, confines of the writer's mouth. Castle's tongue reached out to caress its counterpart, amazed by how absolutely perfect it was. It felt right. More right than anything else that Castle had ever felt before. The kiss grew in its ferocity and passion, until Castle felt like he might explode from the inside out. The passionate and exploratory kiss left no doubt in Castle's mind that Kate felt the exact same way he did. He'd never felt so much from a single kiss before. Castle would have happily stayed like that forever, but the necessity of oxygen won out over passion and desire, eventually. Kate extracted herself from Castle's mouth, her chest heaving up and down.

Castle, decided to try and drive her crazy, not allowing his lips to stop there. As Kate's chest bobbed wildly up and down, Castle's lips followed the contours of Kate's jawline, along the pulse point of her perfectly sculpted neck, to the hollow at the base of her neck. Kate couldn't hold back the giggle as the sensations overwhelmed her. Castle's hands didn't help matters. His hands and fingers danced over her flesh as he started to tickle her. Apparently, Kate _could_ be bested somehow. Although, he would have never guessed that she was ticklish.

"Castle" Kate's eyes lit up, her eyes flashing as she begged for him to stop. "I can't breathe… Castle, oh god, please! Stop it. I mean it, Rick! Oh, I'm so going to get you back for this later! I swear it!"

"You're not very good at negotiating are you," Castle teased as he whispered in her ear, making her whole body come alive under him. The way his breath ghosted along her ear, had shivers rocketing up her spine and through the rest of her body.

Castle finally relented, and let Kate catch her breath. For the longest moment she allowed herself to get lost in his twinkling blue eyes. And for a moment, nothing existed but the two of them.

"Good morning," Castle breathed finally, a boyish smile causing the skin around his eyes to crinkle with happiness.

"Good Morning," Kate reciprocated, albeit, rather breathlessly. The beaming smile he received nearly took his breath away. Kate finally broke. She let out a laugh and rolled over onto her stomach. Castle slid underneath the white bed sheet, and followed her.

Castle, who was still hoping to explore Kate's body a little more reached out to run his palm over the perfect delineations of the brunette's strong left shoulder. Kate closed her eyes, overcome by his gentle ministrations. She didn't dare move as Castle slowly let his fingers dance over the bare expanse of skin that spanned Kate's perfectly sculpted back. The brunette moaned again as Castle hovered over her, gently pressing his lips to the skin between Kate's shoulder blades in the wake of his touches. The salty taste of Kate's skin made Castle's mouth water.

"Cas-tle," Kate moaned sleepily. "I swear. You're killing me."

"Oh? Do you want me to stop?" Castle asked innocently.

"God, no," Kate replied, her voice thick with sleep and arousal. Kate's eyes fluttered open and she turned so that she was facing Castle again. Kate's lips eagerly took Castle's in another kiss as Kate's hands hungrily raked over Rick's naked torso. The bed sheet covered everything below Kate's waist, but Kate could see Castle's hand dip lower and lower.

"Castle," Kate breathed, her eyes conveying her need. Castle's hand stopped just below the white cotton sheet. "Please," Kate begged urging his hand further, "Don't…stop." Castle took Kate's mouth in a commanding, but gentle kiss.

Castle's fingers had just pushed their way beneath the soft lace fabric of Kate's underwear, when the door swung open. Bodies flew apart as Alexis let out a loud squeal and frantically covered her eyes.

"Oh, god, I…" Alexis babbled incoherently for a long minute as she tried to over come the shock of finding her father in bed with Kate. "I am _SO SORRY_. I…I just wanted to make sure that you were up, because you… you ummm… have that doctor's appointment in a little over an hour." Castle managed to cover himself, and looked to his side to find that Kate had managed to bury herself underneath the bedspread with alarming swiftness.

Alexis' voice squeaked with nervousness as she turned around. "I'm going to go now…." Alexis was still muttering apologies as she shut the door behind her. Castle could only hope that she wasn't scarred for life. It wasn't exactly the first time she'd nearly walked in on him, but this time was different.

Castle's heart was pounding as he started searching for Kate underneath the covers. The most wonderful sound met his ears as he finally pulled back the covers to find Kate underneath. Loud peals of laughter caused his own shoulders to shake as he saw the healthy flush to Kate's cheeks. She was wearing somewhat of a childish expression.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Kate finally asked.

"I think so," Castle replied. "I mean… she knows how I feel about you. She knows that I've been in love with you forever. And now we're finally together."

"Still," Kate sighed. "That poor girl!" Kate's cheeks flushed a deep shade of red. And finally, she could stop the laughter anymore. Laughter bubbled up in her throat as she sought to bury herself amongst the blankets once again.

"No no no," Castle clicked his tongue. "Don't hide from me." He hovered over her now, his hands tightening their hold over her hips. The bed sheets still separated them, but Kate swore she could feel his hands burning her through the fabric. In a game of avoidance, Kate turned her head from side to side, trying to avoid his lips as he peppered her with kisses. But when he caught her mouth, she just as happily stopped resisting, and started kissing him back. As the kiss finally broke, Castle exhaled, words coming from his lips.

"I love you, Kate," Castle breathed, his expression one of complete sincerity.

"I love you too, Cas…err Rick," Kate laughed. "God, I've got to stop calling you that, don't I?" Her eyes twinkled. "Sorry. It's a force of habit."

"I like it," Castle said honestly. "Castle… Rick…. Whatever you want to call me. As long as you look like that when you say it, like you mean it… that's all I could ever ask for."

"Well, I do," Kate smiled softly, as she ran her hand over his cheek. "I love you more than anything. And I hope that you know that." She held his gaze for a long heart-stopping moment. "So…do we have time to….?" Kate let him fill in the rest of the words.

Still hovering over her, Castle turned to glance at the face of the clock on his bedside table, and let out a sigh. He wanted to continue, to just let himself get lost in Kate, and forget the rest of the world existed. But he knew he could not.

"Unfortunately, we only have an hour before we have to leave. So we umm… we should probably get ready," Castle spoke tightly, his jaw clenching in anguish. He definitely did not want to face what was ahead.

"We should," Kate whispered, though neither one of them moved.. For a moment Castle simply looked lost. Kate sighed as she noticed that look that she'd seen so often over the past week was back. Castle seemed…unreachable somehow, and she wished more than anything he would stop pushing himself away from her emotionally. "Hey," she breathed tenderly, as her hand brushed his chest. His gaze slowly drifted back to meet hers. "It's going to be okay," she spoke reassuringly. She expected him to argue, to fight with her, but instead his lips pulled up into a warm, grateful, smile.

"I know," he said finally. "I know it is." He gave her a kiss on the cheek and then rolled away from her. She watched as he leisurely slid out from under the sheets and padded towards the bathroom. When he reached it, he slipped inside and cracked the door behind him. Kate stayed frozen for a long minute, staring at the bathroom door. She wondered if she should follow. And after a moment's hesitation, she finally managed to scramble up from the mattress in hopes of sharing a shower with the man she loved.

* * *

><p>When she pushed her way into the bathroom, however, all of those thoughts were instantly wiped from her mind. Castle was hunched over, holding his mid-section as if he were in the worst pain imaginable. His shirt was on the floor, leaving him in a navy pair of boxers and nothing else.<p>

"Castle?" Kate could not keep the worry from her tone as she rushed forwards. Castle straightened up, pushing himself away from the counter, only to double over again with a groan. "Castle, what's wrong?" Kate reached out to steady him. He grunted once more and let go.

"Nothing," Castle gritted out between clenched teeth. "It's nothing. I'm fine."

"No you're not," Kate said dismissively. It was clear he was lying. She turned him around to face her. He flinched away. "Easy," she breathed as she held him by the arms. His hand was pushed against his left side, his breaths coming in shallow gasps. "Look at me, Rick," she pleaded. He swallowed and met her eyes, letting his hands fall away as hers took his place. He felt them ghost over where his had been only a moment ago. And when she carefully, took them away, the pain rescinded with them, as if she was taking it with her. Kate's mouth fell open as they raked over bare skin, skin peppered with bruises of shades and colors she had never scene before.

Kate couldn't stop the gasp that had fell from her lips. Her heart ached fiercely as she realized that some of those bruises were probably her own doing.

"Oh, my god, Castle, I…" Kate tried to say something, to apologize, but Castle wouldn't let her. He stilled her hands as she reached out to touch him again.

"I'm fine," Castle swore as he held her eyes.

"No you're not," Kate looked as if she were in her own sort of agony. "You're in pain. Did I….?"

"Kate," Castle tried to explain it to her in the best way he knew how. The last thing he wanted was for her to think it her fault. If anything, she made him feel better. She made the pain go away. "The doctor said there would be pain, and there's pain. But it has nothing to do with you, or what happened last night. This has been going on for days…and I'm just still trying to get used to it. It's…what's the word? Uh…disarming sometimes. It just comes out of nowhere." Then he added one more time for good measure, "But I'm fine."

Kate nodded, wordlessly. She swallowed, over the newfound obstruction in her throat.

"I bet nice hot shower will help," Kate choked out finally as she opened the shower door and turned on the water. Castle nodded gratefully before planting a soft kiss on her cheek. He stripped of his boxers, stepped inside under the spray of the steaming water, shutting the door gently behind him. She knew that it was silly of her, but she stood watching him for another ten minutes or so just to make sure he was okay.

* * *

><p>When he was finished, Kate took his place in the shower. She washed and dried herself quickly, before pulling on some clothes. Kate only just managed to finish putting on her make-up in time for them to leave. It wasn't as perfect as it usually was, due to the fact that she was limited to the make-up that she could find in her purse, but it got the job done.<p>

Kate made a mental note to run back to her place and grab some things after the appointment. If she were going to be staying with Castle, she would need things.

At the same time, however, Kate realized that she needed to talk with Castle and make sure that was what he wanted.

After giving Alexis a rather awkward, but very sincere greeting. They had a bit of breakfast and then went down to meet the car that was supposed to be driving them to the appointment.

* * *

><p>This time, when Castle got to the doctor's office, the lobby was empty. There weren't even any nurses there to check him in. But Dr. Anders came out soon enough. He was dressed in a nice pinstriped dress shirt, a navy tie, and nice slacks. Needless to say, the man looked very professional. And the white lab coat the younger man wore draped over his shoulders only added to the look. Dr. Anders offered Castle a genuine smile as he reached out to shake the man's hand.<p>

"Good morning," he greeted to Rick and the others.

"Good morning," Castle wished him in return.

"It's good to see you Martha, Alexis," Dr. Anders smiled as he met each of their faces. Castle noticed out he did a bit of a double take as his eyes came to rest on Kate.

Kate felt the pressure of Castle's hand at the small of her back as he urged her forwards a little.

"I'm sorry," Castle cut in quickly. "I meant to introduce you. This is my partner, the inspiration for my newest book series that I was telling you about. This is Detective Kate Beckett."

"Oh!" Dr. Ander's eyes lit up. " It's an honor to meet New York's finest homicide detective. Richard has told me many good things about you.."

"It's… It's nice to meet you, Dr. Anders," Kate nodded resolutely as she offered up a bright smile. She held out her hand and the man shook it. "Although, I think you're giving me a little too much credit," Kate laughed nervously.

"Nonsense," Dr. Anders shook his head. "If you're anything like the extraordinary character in Richard's books, which I'm sure you are, then you must be."

"Th-Thank you," Kate stuttered, overcome by the sincerity in his voice. She turned to Castle with a somewhat accusing glare. "What on earth did you tell him about me?"

"Uh…" Castle's mouth fell open as he struggled to reply. "The truth?"

"Uh huh," Kate mumbled skeptically. She knew how kind Castle could be with his words. Sometimes he could be too kind. If only she knew that the word "spitfire" had been used in his description of her, then he might have gotten another lecture altogether.

"Shall we head back?" Dr. Anders asked the bunch. "It might be a bit cramped in my office, but it will be a bit more private."

"That's fine," Castle replied. "I probably should have warned you that I was bringing a small army," he joked.

"Not a problem," Dr. Anders assured them. "I've always believed in the ideology that more is merrier." He swept them into his office while he went to get another chair or two. Upon seeing him struggle a bit with two chairs, Kate happily took one of them from him in the hallway and carried it inside. Castle plopped down into the most comfortable chair located in the middle of the room. Kate was surprised when Martha directed her to sit in the chair next to Castle, while Alexis sat off to Castle's other side. Martha squeezed in on Kate's other side.

As Dr. Anders settled into the chair behind his small desk, Kate reached out for Castle's hand.

'You're not in this alone. I'm here,' the words echoed in Kate's head as if it were yesterday. She remembered Castle saying them once, in regards to her mother's murder case. He had been there for her, and she almost wished that she could say those words to him now. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

"So," Dr. Anders began. "How have you been doing since yesterday?" He asked. "Has the nausea medicine helped at all?"

"Actually," Castle cleared his throat. "It has. I mean… I haven't gotten sick since yesterday morning."

"That's good," Dr. Anders said with a relieved smile. Castle nodded. He very much agreed.

"Well," the doctor paused. "Shall we get started?" he asked everyone calmly. They all nodded in unison.

"Okay," he exhaled, dragging out the word a bit. "I have some good news and some bad news for you." Castle clamped his eyes shut. "So which would you like to hear first?" Castle stopped breathing for a long moment, wondering which way to go. He wanted to feel some relief that there was any good news at all, but it was still hard to think about. Castle could feel Kate stiffen next to him.

His eyes darted over to Alexis. She was fidgeting with the hem of the beautiful, white summer's dress she had on. He swallowed thickly. He almost wished that she hadn't decided to come. Castle figured that it would be easier if she heard the news from him, and not from some doctor. Unfortunately, he couldn't shield her any longer. It was better just to get on with it.

"Bad first," Castle muttered, hoping that at the very least, he could end things on a slightly better note. He knew that he might need it. He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep and calming breath. Kate did the same. Her grip on his hand was stronger than ever. She knew that Castle so very badly needed her support, and her bravery. She wasn't going to let herself break down…no matter what happened. Whether it was good news, or bad news, she would find a way to deal with it. She was good at compartmentalizing. After all, her job required it. A lot of the time she had to separate herself from her feelings.

"Okay," Dr. Anders breathed slowly. "Then I would like to discuss your blood results first. Your blood counts are worse than I anticipated. The cancer is advancing rapidly, more so than I'm used to seeing in most of my patients. And It is of my opinion that we need to initiate treatment as soon as possible. I'd recommend that we start treatment a week from now. I have a plan ready for you."

'A week from now,' Kate repeated to herself, feeling stunned. Castle had been right. Things were happening fast. The doctors weren't going to waste any time.

"There's… also another matter that is quite important," Dr. Anders sighed. "And I am afraid that it is only going to cause more problems for you and make initiation of your treatment that much more difficult. Your body will be under a lot of pressure as it is. But unfortunately we have no other choice..." He paused for a moment. "The PET scan and CAT scan showed that you have an enlarged spleen."

"Wait…what?" Castle's mouth fell open. "My spleen?" Dr. Anders nodded. W-What does that have to do with anything?" Castle forced himself to take a calming breath, and decided to ask a different question, one that would actually have a relevant answer.

"What would cause it to become enlarged?" Castle's brow furrowed. He couldn't remember reading about any such complication in the information he'd collected. Alexis' mouth opened as if she were about to speak, but then closed again. Castle realized that she had been about to ask the same thing.

"Well," Dr. Anders, "Judging by your test results and blood counts, I would say that it's due to a systemic build up of proteins from leukemia cells that have been filtered from the blood and lymph fluid in your body."

"I'm sorry?" Castle, muttered as he tried to keep up with the doctor. "How serious is it? I mean… is an enlarged spleen normally considered a serious problem?" Castle asked while running his hand over his jaw in an effort to release some of the tension from his body.

"It can be, yes. Especially if it damages the red blood cells and the platelets it is filtering," Dr. Anders replied. "In your case, I'm afraid that it is already happening." Castle watched as Dr. Anders stood and walked over, slipping his forefinger under Rick's chin. Gently, he angled Castle's face so he could get a good look at Castle's still swollen eye. "Your blood doesn't appear to be clotting as it normally should." Then. "What happened?"

"A suspect decided to take a swing," Castle explained. "I spent a good time icing it, but the swelling hasn't gone down much."

"That's because it's still bleeding," Dr. Anders sighed. "It's all internal, but there's definitely excess fluid. It concerns me."

"Is it life threatening?" Alexis asked finally, timidly.

"I'm not going to lie," Dr. Anders said calmly as he met her wide, blue eyes. "It can be. Hemophilia is a dangerous condition. Even the smallest and most insignificant of injuries can become life threatening when the blood doesn't clot."

"And as far as the spleen itself goes... If the swelling is severe enough, it can cause damage to the organs around it, and even cause internal bleeding. That's the last thing that we want, or need at this moment." Castle's mouth fell open, and Kate's jaw clenched in determination as she tried not to betray the panic that she was feeling inside.

"That's why in cases where the swelling is severe, a splenectomy is usually performed," he explained. "Rick, my recommendation is no different. Your spleen needs to come out. Now. We need to surgically remove it as soon as possible."

"But won't that complicate the chemotherapy treatments?" Castle asked.

"It might, yes. The truth is, that's it going to put more stress on your body, but it has to be done." Dr. Anders replied honestly. "Rick, I'm sorry," he apologized. "I can tell you are feeling overwhelmed."

"Just a little," Rick swallowed. "It's just. I… I wasn't exactly prepared for this. I mean…treatments? Yes. Surgery? No." Kate made a point of squeezing Castle's hand.

"I know. Rick, I promise you," Dr. Anders rambled. "The surgery is very routine. They can do it laproscopically. You _will_ have to be sedated under general anesthesia. But seeing as the surgery isn't super invasive, the recovery time is minimal."

"And they can just do that?" Kate swallowed. "They can just take it out without any consequences or complications?"

"Yes," Dr. Anders replied promptly. He was quite prepared for that question. "Your spleen in not essential for survival, meaning that it is of little consequence to have it removed. However, I would like to be clear. There _are_ _risks_ that come with _any_ surgery. Patients that have undergone splenectomies frequently are susceptible to serious and life-threatening infections and septicemia. In order to reduce Rick's risk I plan to vaccinate him for pneumococcus, Influenza, and meningcoccus. The only catch is that I can't do this until two weeks after the surgery is performed, which means that Rick can't go anywhere." Castle looked even more bewildered than before.

"Two weeks?" Rick looked crestfallen. "Why not until two weeks after? Why can't you vaccinate me before."

"Because the timeframe is too short," Dr. Anders replied calmly. "Usually, we vaccinate a minimum of 14 days before, but in your case we can't afford to wait those fourteen days. And with the initiation of treatment there has to be a time for your body to recover. Your immune system will be completely shot. The splenectomy will leave you even more vulnerable. If I vaccinate you too soon, there's a risk that you will contract one of the infections. I can't risk that. I'm sorry. It's just the way things have to be done."

"Okay," Castle nodded. "I think I understand."

"Rick," Dr. Anders continued. "You'll feel so much better for it. I promise." Then. "As much as your Spleen is enlarged now, it could be severely impacting the current level of pain in your body. I remembered you telling me that you were in a lot of pain."

"It's true," Kate cut in as Castle tried to deny it. "I found him hunched over in the bathroom this morning." Then she added, "Don't try to deny it!" just as Castle opened his mouth to protest. Castle shot a glare at her, as if she'd betrayed him by speaking out. She swallowed thickly as she struggled not to let it get to her. The doctor needed to know the truth, and she wasn't sorry for giving it to him.

"Okay," Castle sighed, feeling numb all over again. "Fine." It seemed he'd been feeling that way a lot lately. "I agree with your decision. Just tell me. W-When… When would you like to do the surgery?"

"I'm waiting to hear back from Dr. Belkin, our general surgeon attending, to see if he has any openings in the next week," Dr. Anders replied. "I will let you know as soon as I know anything, but I'm hoping that it will be sometime in the next few days." Castle shook his head.

"A-A few days?" Rick stuttered, "You do realize that, that's not very much time, don't you?" Kate looked equally in shock. Three days. They were going to cut open the man she loved in less than a few days, and take out one of his major organs. She didn't care if it were classified as a 'minor surgery' or not. She'd been trying to prepare for something like this, but she was already discovering that you could never really be prepared for something like it.

"Of course," Dr. Anders replied, "Not that I mean to freak you out, Rick, but that's because it is a fairly serious manner. It could be life threatening if we don't take it out soon."

"Right," Castle muttered. "So…umm… What is the good news that you had to tell me?" he said almost sarcastically. At this point he was just desperate for something positive or encouraging.

"Well, the good news is that your cerebral spinal fluid was clear of all malignant monocytes," Dr. Anders replied happily. "And that's _definitely_ good news, Rick." Rick let out a deep sigh of relief, while his heart pounded a little faster in his chest. Kate let out a sigh too. She wasn't really sure what it meant, but clearly they had dodged some sort of bullet.

"Finally," Rick whispered.

"Yes," Dr. Anders replied. "And we'll definitely take the victories where we can get them for now."

"Thank you," Rick breathed. "I mean… thanks for getting me in so soon. I feel like I've been going out of my mind wondering. At least now I know where I'm at." Kate could see that Castle was feeling a little better. He was sitting straighter in his chair now, and Kate could feel him reciprocating the squeezes she gave his hand.

"Listen," Dr. Anders said after a long moment's silence. One thought kept weighing down the doctor's shoulders. "There's something else I need to tell you."

"Oh?" Castle swallowed, his throat was suddenly dry.

"Look, Rick. I…. I didn't want to weigh this all on your shoulders at once, but… do you remember how we talked about cytogenetics at your last appointment, and I told you about the FLT3 gene mutation, and what it meant?"

"Yes," Castle replied while he sank down further in his chair, making himself seem a little smaller to Kate's eyes. "It makes patients more susceptible to relapse." Castle swallowed again and closed his eyes. When he opened them, Dr. Ander's gaze held his own. The man swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing visibly in his throat. For a moment the doctor remained silent. And that was enough for Castle to pick up on. "Don't tell me I have it," Castle pleaded softly and was met with a long silence.

"Does he have it?" Martha piped up. Up until now, she'd held her tongue. She'd been silent, not wanting to add in any way to the tension in the room. Only now, she couldn't stand it. She could see the fear in her son's eyes.

"Oh, god," Castle muttered after a long moment. Castle's grip on Kate's hand loosened and it fell away. "I… I have it. I have it, don't I?" Castle let out a groan, while cursing inwardly. Castle resisted the urge to get up and leave the room. He wanted to run away. Anything would be better than sitting there like a… he didn't know the word he was looking for. But he couldn't take it. Not now. It just seemed like too much.

"Rick… Rick," Dr. Anders repeated his name several times. "Try to be calm. It's not a death warrant. Not even close. There's a reason why we test for it, and now we know…"

Kate's mouth fell open. She felt completely clueless. Her eyes darted from Castle to the doctor and back again. Finally, she found her voice.

"Sorry," Kate interjected, "But I'm feeling a little lost here." She took a calming breath, although it was hard to calm herself when she was watching Rick come apart. "What's wrong? What is this about cytogenetics, and what does it mean?"

"It means that I have a genetic mutation," Castle said finally. "A mutation in my DNA coding that makes me more susceptible to getting this again." Kate winced as she heard the detached way in which he spoke the words. Only she knew that he wasn't detached at all. He felt ever word like a knife to the heart.

"They can treat it," he breathed finally, "but the cancer might come back. There's always going to be that possibility." He hunched forward in his chair, shoulders falling forwards as his head dropped down. He squeezed his eyes shut as his fingers reached up to apply pressure to his eyelids, vainly hoping that he didn't break down into tears.

Kate looked on with a broken heart. Every line on his face made him seem weary. She could see the way in which he clenched his jaw. The tension in his body almost seemed to be radiating outward, building up the thickness of the air between them. Kate felt her heart squeeze painfully in her chest.

"It…" Dr. Anders took a weak breath. "It alters his prognosis." But then he tried to calm Castle. "But we'll work around it. It just means we'll have to be that much more aggressive with Richard's treatment regimen."

"Oh god," Castle breathed aloud as a thought seemingly occurred to him, "What about Alexis?" Then. "If I have it, what does that mean for her? Could she have it? Could she get this too?"

"Easy," Dr. Anders breathed, "Calm down, Rick." Castle took a deep breath. Kate looked over to where Alexis was seated to find the girl was literally trembling. "Just because you have the mutation, doesn't mean that she has it. Genetics is a relatively complicated business But, I promise you, we can test for it, and we will. We will make sure she doesn't have it, and that way you won't have to worry."

Castle didn't say a word. "Rick, we'll figure it out. I promise you. We will."

"I'm so sorry, Rick," Dr. Anders breathed honestly. "I really am. God, I hate this…so much. But… It's why I do this… We can beat it. I promise you."

"I know. I know," Castle repeated as if he knew that. But Castle shook his head, clearly contradicting the words coming out of his mouth. Kate could tell that he didn't believe them. Castle's voice broke as the tears started. "I just…need a minute. Please excuse me," Rick's shoulders started to shake violently as he stood up, and rushed for the door.

"It's okay," Dr. Anders replied. Castle noted how he sounded so very far away. "Take a minute… Hell, take as long as you need."

The door shut with a loud click and Kate sat frozen. She sat staring at the carpet between her feet for a long moment, before she finally gave in and looked at the empty seat next to her. She was completely unsure of what to do. Everything was new to her, it seemed. She wasn't used to being in situations like this. She didn't know whether to let him have a minute by himself or follow. In the end, she decided to follow her heart.

"I'm just going to make sure that he's all right," Kate said finally as she met Alexis' shimmering eyes. She slipped out the door and shut it behind her. She found Rick pacing back and forth in a narrow hallway that ran perpendicular to the hallway that Dr. Ander's office was in. He breathed hollowly, and stopped abruptly. He let his head fall against the wall, and tried to breathe, seemingly failing.

His body went rigid for a moment as Kate wrapped her arms around him from behind. It was then that she felt the tremors working their way through his body. She held onto him, and didn't let go. It seemed to take forever, but he finally turned around in her arms, and buried his head in her neck. She was shorter than he by at least a couple of hands, but they still fit perfectly together.

"I know," she breathed finally. "I know."

"He said my prognosis was good," Castle whispered, "He all but guaranteed it. And now? Everything is... everything is different!"

"Shh…" Kate quieted him. "Castle, n-nothing is different. Nothing." Then. "Rick," she said finally. "We just have to take this one step at a time. Okay?" He nodded. "We're going to get through this." Then. "You have to stay positive." He nearly laughed at that. He felt cynical and cold, and frankly, he just didn't want to hear those words. But he knew the truth in them.

"Rick," she breathed. "Listen to me. You're not in this alone. I'm here. Martha is here. Your daughter is here. I am not going to let you beat yourself up like this. You can't feel sorry for yourself. Not right now. If anything, you need to be determined to fight this with everything you've got."

"I... I'm not strong enough for this," Castle whispered. "God, I'm just so tired, and I can't…"

"Don't you dare," Kate said, silencing him with a glare. "Not strong enough?" she scoffed. "Not strong enough!" she repeated with a volume and incredulousness that made Castle wonder if that were the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. "Richard Castle! You are the strongest person I know! You… You saved me, Castle. You saved me in every possible way a person can be saved, when no one else could. And so now? Now it's my turn. I'm not going to let you do this. I'm not going to let you continue to beat yourself up the way you have been. And I'm definitely not going to let you diminish your own strength, your own passion for living, just because you're a little tired at the moment…" He met her eyes, seemingly stunned by her speech. "You can do this. You can do _anything_. I know you can. I…" Kate nearly lost her train of thought, but stumbled onwards. She was never as good with words as he was, but by god she was going to try. "Castle, I know you can do this, because I _believe_ in you. I believe in _us_. And I believe in _beating the odds _together. We can do this." Castle's heart stopped, overcome with emotion as he realized the veracity in her words. She meant every word.

His thoughts were all stuck in one place. '_Us. We. She said we, didn't she?'_

She gave Castle a minute to collect himself, and then gently took his hand. "Come on," she said gently as she tugged. "We should get back. Your mother and Alexis are probably worried." Castle looked at her outstretched hand for a moment.

"Kate, I…" he stuttered. "H-How are you not running?" Castle asked finally. "I… I'm scared out of my mind."

"Easy," Kate offered him a smile. "I love you." A beat. "Look," she breathed. "I wasn't just spouting off words, Castle. I meant what I said. I know your strength. Our strength. We can do this."

"Aren't you scared?" he asked again.

"No," Kate replied all too quickly. Then she caught herself as she realized that there was no way she believed it as truth, and that Castle probably didn't either. "Okay, that's a lie." she amended quickly. "So I am." She paused to take a breath, her palms starting to sweat profusely. Her breathing became labored as she struggled with a swell of emotion. "The truth is?" She expelled finally. "That I am terrified. I am absolutely terrified."

'Of losing you,' the thought flashed through her mind, but luckily Kate was able to keep it from coming out. Castle saw a look flash through her eyes, but couldn't discern what it was. He had a feeling she was keeping something from him, but he wasn't about to push.

"But that's okay," she breathed quickly. "Because I don't know if anyone ever told you this," Kate said finally. "But it's okay to be scared, Rick."

"It's…" Kate was still trying to make her point. "It's okay because it means that we have something to lose. It means that we have something to fight _for._" Kate spoke with a conviction that didn't really surprise him. Sure, he might be strong. But she was _stronger_. She will always be the strongest person he knows. "Castle, I… I love you, and… I know you love me. That in itself has to count for something. You just can't give up on me. Not now. Not ever."

"Kate," he breathed softly. "I… I'm not giving up. I'm just… scared. And this just all seems like so much."

"I know," Kate nodded. "Which is why we need to just take it one step at a time," she said slowly, as if that would make it sink in better than it had the first time. Then she spoke even more determinedly than before. "We'll get through this, Rick." Castle nodded, letting the words sink in. "Whatever happens. I promise I'll be right here. That much I can assure you."

When Castle met Kate's eyes again, she saw a calm in him that she hadn't seen before. It did wonders to quiet that frantic voice in her head. She must have said something right. Slowly, Kate held out her hand again in a silent invitation. When he still didn't move she decided to speak. "So…" her swirling chocolate eyes were warm and inviting. "Are you ready to go back now?"

"Yeah," he breathed finally. "I…I think I am." She took his hand in hers and slowly lead him back to the room. When they reached Dr. Ander's office, and his hand paused on the handle, Kate was afraid he had lost his nerve again. Only, when he turned to meet her gaze, there was a boyish quality to his eyes that she found extremely reassuring. "Thank you," he whispered in a tone that almost went unheard. But she heard it loud and clear. It meant a dozen things. _Thank you for being here. Thank you for talking me down. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being strong when I can't be._ The list went on an on.

Kate smiled softly before kissing him softly on the cheek. When she pulled back to give him his space, she whispered one word in his ear. "Always."

And with that, Castle finally felt ready to face whatever else life had to throw at him.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: So that's the end of the chapter! I'm already working on the next part so we'll see how quickly I can manage an update. Please take a minute to hit the review button and say a few words! It would mean a lot to me. I'd like to know if you guys agree with the direction I'm taking the story! Thanks for reading! :)**_


	10. Author's Note 2

A/N: Hey, guys! The reason I'm posting this note as an update is because I've received several reviews and private messages asking if I plan on continuing this story. As I've said before, I have every intension of taking this story all the way to the end! It's just that life has continued to get in the way. I still can't believe that it happened to me, but on the 28th of June, I fell and fractured my Olecranon in two places. Since it is part of the elbow joint, I had to have surgery to reconstruct the joint and had a plate and screws put in order to hold the pieces of bone together. I quickly discovered that it's really difficult to type with one hand (it would take forever to write a chapter one-handed), and so I decided the update would have to wait. At the beginning of this week, I finally got my arm out of the splint, which is why I was finally able to type this note! Unfortunately it's pretty slow going. I hope that you'll be patient with me, since a lot of my time currently is devoted to physical therapy! But I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your support and (in advance) for your patience! I will continue this story as soon as I can! I promise!

Sincerely,

Caskettinacastle (Katie)


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